http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/abaya/ en Sun, 22 Nov 2009 11:39:29 GMT vBulletin 60 http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/images/insignia/misc/rss.jpg http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/abaya/ http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/abaya/2032-so-i-thought.html Fri, 13 Mar 2009 22:09:25 GMT There I was, thinking that I was finally done traveling long-distance for a while, and would be able to settle in and work on my dissertation, get into a gym routine, etc. Nope, not yet. Not until April, I guess. There has been a rather tragic death in my Icelandic family, and while I was not... There I was, thinking that I was finally done traveling long-distance for a while, and would be able to settle in and work on my dissertation, get into a gym routine, etc. Nope, not yet. Not until April, I guess.

There has been a rather tragic death in my Icelandic family, and while I was not terribly close to the person who passed away (at least, in recent years), I have decided that it's important for me to be there for the funeral and to stand by them. Even though I have issues with that side of the family... or maybe it's *because* I have issues with them that I want to go, I don't know. I'm still working out the reasons for why I decided to go. But I knew that I had to be there, and it was a personal decision. Ktsp, as always, supports me unconditionally with this stuff, for which I am very, very grateful.

So I got the tickets, and will be there for the casket viewing and the funeral. There are times like these, very rarely, but they do happen... when I wish that my father were still alive, to navigate these things for me and be there as a bridge between me and his family. As it is, he has never been there, so I just have to make do on my own... something I haven't done in a while. It was easier when ktsp was with me in Iceland, because he was a very helpful buffer to fall back on when my family was difficult.

But ktsp cannot come with me this time because it's too expensive, and he's in the middle of job interviews (and that is happy news!). It's been several years since we've been apart for this long... and I haven't flown without him by my side since we got married. I'm going to miss him in Iceland. :(

Anyway, I'll be back again in April, sigh. ]]> abaya http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/abaya/2032-so-i-thought.html http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/abaya/2005-back.html Tue, 10 Mar 2009 00:26:13 GMT Hello again, TFP. We got back from our round-the-world trip just over a week ago... the 15-hour time difference/jetlag is finally starting to wear off now, and we're trying to get into a schedule for ourselves. We joined a gym nearby right away (wayyyy too many coconut desserts for me in Thailand) and have been trying to "work" at the public libraries nearby since we don't have an office at my mom's place. Ktsp's applying for jobs like crazy, and I'm trying to ratchet up my work on my dissertation, though I'm dragging my feet (as usual). I'd rather be skiing. Or stitching. Or anything.

We're feeling pretty lucky in terms of social opportunities so far, since ktsp has walked into an insta-group of Lebanese friends from his undergrad (all from his computer science major, so they're excellent networking contacts as well). I also know a married couple from my grad program who graduated and moved here last September... none of these people are our close friends, but two of my best friends are still local, so we have a nice mix of people to hang out with.

Little bit weird for me, getting used to all the familiarity again... I guess in my American head, I had started to believe that places weren't meant to be returned to... you're just supposed to keep moving on, and on, to new places, not going back. But here we are, back in my old stomping grounds... so I'm sorting out the return, figuring out how to lay new memories on top of the old ones, the old mental map of events and moments that is still preserved in my mind. Nostalgia can be such a fucking pain in the ass when it comes to enjoying the present moment.

Overall, though, things are good. I've got nothing to complain about. ]]> abaya http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/abaya/2005-back.html http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/abaya/1527-en-route.html Sat, 03 Jan 2009 20:54:09 GMT I've been away from the TFP for a long time. Probably the longest that I've ever been away. And I will probably remain away for quite a while yet, due to our schedule in the next 2 months. I apologize for my absence--but in a way, I think it has been a very good thing to be generally away from the internet.

We left Iceland on Dec 21 and ktsp successfully immigrated into the US at JFK airport (yay, no more special-visitor registration for him!!... Lebanon was on the list of "special countries of which the citizens must register every time they enter and depart the US"), and we arrived in Seattle the next day. Massive snowstorm... had us housebound until well after Christmas, but it was a good way to re-enter American culture since we couldn't spend much time at the mall.

My initial reverse-culture shock reactions have been, in general, that Americans talk too damn much (especially with strangers), there are too many people and cars and buildings everywhere (it feels crowded after the emptiness of Iceland--didn't help that we just flew down to Vegas for New Year's, yikes!), but that I am grateful to speak English again, have good affordable beer within reach, and to have the rich ethnic diversity of Seattle all around us... I've missed all of that, and more. So there are positives and negatives, as usual. I'm giving myself 6 months to adjust and feel comfortable again in the US, so no rush there.

Fact is, though, we're taking off again shortly to fly back east (meeting with my doctoral committee peeps) and then continue on over the pond and Europe to visit the in-laws in Lebanon for a couple of weeks... before continuing east again to Thailand for 3 weeks, and then continuing east again over the Pacific back to Seattle again. So, literally around the world, not really on vacation but doing much-needed family visiting (that's what happens when we have 5 countries of family between the two of us). I haven't been to Thailand in 10+ years, so it is a long overdue visit to my extended family there. We'll have brief stopovers in London, Frankfurt, Doha (Qatar), and Seoul, and I assume I won't have extended internet access (other than cafes, etc) until we return to Seattle at the end of February.

By March-April, we should definitely be more settled in and finding our own place and jobs here (instead of just crashing at my mom's place, as we are currently doing), but in the meantime it will be massive movement-and-transition time. We're making the most of our time "off" from a regular work schedule, before ktsp in particular gets slotted into the usual American 10-15 days off a year (such a shock, after the 24 days min. in Iceland), which will probably mostly be spent in Lebanon. And we'll most likely start popping out kids in a couple of years, so this is our last chance to take a big trip to visit everyone before life catches up with us.

We're very grateful that we were able to spend the first two years of our marriage in quiet Iceland, building our relationship and intimacy together, before coming back here. I think that in the future, as our lives get increasingly more chaotic (I have no doubt about that fact), there will be times when we'll wish that we could go back to Iceland. And that's okay. It's a place that means a lot to both of us, so it's to be expected that we'll miss it in some ways. But for now, it's time to come up to speed with real life. ]]> abaya http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/abaya/1527-en-route.html http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/abaya/1335-backed-into-pole.html Thu, 04 Dec 2008 13:17:18 GMT Literally, that's what I did on Sunday, on our way to see some glaciers in the south of Iceland. It was one of the stupidest things I have done with a car, even a used old beater car that we bought specificially so that we could beat it up more... I should have been more careful. I really hate making totally preventable mistakes like that, especially when they end up costing a lot of money.

I was backing up with sufficient speed (I was parked on a large grassy area, with no other poles in sight--did not look carefully enough around me, as a result) that when we hit the pole, it gave us a good hard jolt. It also fucked up the right rear tail light (cracked it open, and shoved the bumper up hard underneath the light, so that now I have to get body work done on it first, before replacing the whole light/casing itself).

Keep in mind, we bought the car for what was then around $3000 USD (now it would be $1500 USD, given the exchange rate). We've already put about $1500 of repairs/maintenance into the car, in the last 18 months. And now I just got the quote for this repair, since we're hoping to sell the thing before we leave in 2 weeks, and it will be just under $300 (which isn't that bad really, but I'm still annoyed). I just had the left door lock replaced for $150 last week, since it fell out a few months ago, grrr!!

None of these things affect the way the car runs. It's all aesthetics/comfort, etc. So I'm annoyed that we have to shell out the money to get it back up to "looking/feeling good" before selling it, even though it's a beater car and isn't supposed to look that good, anyway. We're hoping to get at least $1500 for the car when we sell it, if we're lucky.

Overall though, I'm still glad we got it originally as a piece of junk. In the end, we're out a couple of thousand dollars, but we got a great car for 18 months of touring around Iceland. It would have been far more expensive to rent a brand-new car for all of those trips (and imagine if I had beat up one of those rentals!). So I'm trying to look at it that way. Just wish I hadn't backed it into that damn pole. ]]> abaya http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/abaya/1335-backed-into-pole.html http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/abaya/1277-ocd-house.html Fri, 28 Nov 2008 08:56:46 GMT I haven't been able to get on TFP at all since Tuesday because one of my best friends from home arrived for a weeklong visit that morning. She was the maid of honor in our wedding, my oldest friend, the one I have known since I was 6 years old. She's here until Monday, so I most likely won't be able to check in again till then.

The visit has been a bit more difficult than I anticipated--I was aware that she has struggled with OCD for the last 10 years, including during a summerlong backpacking trip that we took in 2002 around Europe (and I never noticed anything about it, at that point)... but it seems to have gotten worse in recent years. We got stuck in a souvenir shop for an extra 30 minutes yesterday because she had an OCD episode... it's not severe, but you definitely can tell what is going on. And she's very aware of it, and talks to me about it throughout and after the event, but it was disturbing to see someone that I know so well, become someone that I didn't really recognize. I felt powerless to help her to get out of it--later we talked about what I could do to help, and that was what I needed to hear-- but in the moment, I had no idea what to do. She just kept going back, over and over again, to check if she had damaged a hat in the store. Simple task, but disturbing in its repetition and obsession.

I had never seen her display the OCD characteristics so clearly before... obviously it's been stressful for her to be in a new country (she never travels alone, so this is a huge deal for her to come all the way here--I'm really proud of her for that), so I understand that it's manifesting itself more strongly than usual here. She's on medication and goes to therapy, but it just seems to have gotten worse since we traveled in Europe in 2002. I don't really know what to say.

It makes me feel so sad for her... she feels trapped by it, since she's 30 years old and still lives with her parents, because she's so scared to live on her own and not have anyone to balance out her episodes. She even suggested living with me and ktsp when we get to Seattle, and my immediate reaction was NO (in my head), because I can't even imagine... I had never felt so protective of ktsp's and my relationship before. At the same time, I feel awful for her situation.

Does anyone here have experience with this illness? ]]> abaya http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/abaya/1277-ocd-house.html http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/abaya/1225-watching-parents-fail.html Fri, 21 Nov 2008 22:35:44 GMT I had a difficult phone call with my dad last night. Usually it's my mom that I get more concerned about (when she's spiraling down into depression and anxiety, despite her medication), but this time it seems that my dad has gotten himself into another impossibly difficult situation where he's getting burned. Again. I can't count how many times this has happened to him--and he gets so angry, and pushes me away when I want to try and understand what's going on. I understand his reaction, but it's still disturbing when he treats me that way. He isn't thinking outside of his own head at those times, I know that.

It's such an upside-down feeling to watch your own parents fail, over and over again. Financially, relationally, emotionally, socially... it seems that the older they get (and the more estranged they get from others--they themselves have been split up for 13 years now, and neither of them have very many friends--just a loyal sibling or two, and then me), the more they seem to stumble over themselves. And it has not been for lack of opportunity. It has been poor decision-making accompanied by bad luck, along the way. The older I get, the more I see this. Thank goodness they are both in somewhat decent health, though I don't know how long that's going to last, given their lifestyles.

I don't really pity them, but I still feel bad for them somehow. I wish I could make things easier for them, but their lives have always been more messy than I could comprehend. I think that when I got both of them to convert to Christianity (in my evangelical teens--they were both non-religious), it was my attempt to "save" them. But that didn't work--when I walked away from the faith, they let themselves slide, too. Again, all upside-down.

Both of them struggle with emotional dysregulation, anger management, mood disorders, spontaneous decision-making and risky behavior, and either an overblown sense of entitlement/victimization (my mother) or a overextended desire to help others (my dad), which usually gets taken advantage of by people he should never have tried to help in the first place. You can see what a nice, healthy relationship they must have had for those 17 years together. :rolleyes: Both of them suffer from extremely poor self-esteem, in their own ways, and that has always been the center of their dysfunction. And yet, they raised me, somehow. They tried their damndest not to fuck me up, despite themselves. And I'm grateful for that, for many things that they gave me. But it all feels so long ago now, back when "we" were a family. It's all become quite foggy in my brain, the way things used to be.

So, yeah. Ktsp and I are moving back to Seattle in a month, exactly. Both of my parents will be within a 30 mile radius. I'm not as worried about my dad, but wondering if I should be, given that he seems so much more prone to anger than he used to be. Sometimes I think I actually feel more secure around my mom (despite her issues), because at least her mood swings are predictable and not in the form of angry outbursts. That's a new feeling for me.

And, in the midst of all this, I sit in Iceland and sometimes wonder what my real father was like, and whether anything would have turned out differently if he had lived. I don't think it would have, to be honest. It will never be more than a parlor question, an "Oh, hmm..." thought. What a strange hand of cards this all is. ]]> abaya http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/abaya/1225-watching-parents-fail.html http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/abaya/1179-cold-caller-rides-again.html Mon, 17 Nov 2008 16:48:17 GMT Down to the wire here with my work in Iceland. I took several weeks "off" from survey distribution recently to work on a grant application. If I get it, it will handsomely fund the final year of my PhD, the dissertation write-up (2009-10). There are typically 1,000 applicants in any given year, and about 65 grants available. The chances are semi-slim, but you can't win if you don't play (or beg, in the case of academics), right? So we'll see what happens with that in late March. No expectations, as I know I've got to finish the dissertation regardless of whether I get funding or not.

Up until the point where I took a break, I had gathered 92 surveys (out of about 180 distributed). 50% response rate is not too shabby, but I know I can do better if I get on the horn and talk to people personally, or ring their doorbell and see them in person. I hate ringing people's doorbells in their private homes, especially when they live in a massive apartment building and only have a speaker phone/camera at the entryway. I feel like such a used-car salesman. The last 50 I handed out were just left in people's mailboxes with an explanatory letter (I chickened out), which is convincing enough for some, but not the majority... very few of those came back to me. Not an effective method, it turns out.

On my dissertation proposal, I had optimistically declared that I would get 260 surveys back... more than 25% of the entire study population. I decided later on that 200 would be good enough. Now, I'm looking at 150 as my goal, :p since we depart Iceland in about 5 weeks, and my best friend from home surprised us with news that she's coming to visit for a week over Thanksgiving.

Trying to be both ambitious and realistic here. I knew it would come down to the last month or so... it's all part of the field experience, lassitude followed by pedal-to-the-medal work at the end. I work best in that environment as well, so I'm confident that I can get at least 50 more back in the next few weeks. I'd love to get 75. So here we go again with cold calls in a foreign language, one of my least favorite activities in the world, because that's what it's going to take. I just made my first one tonight, and am feeling sweaty and nervous as hell. The woman lives a 2 minute drive from me, and she was very friendly and willing to do the survey, and I still get all shaky. Sigh. I WILL get through this!!! ]]> abaya http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/abaya/1179-cold-caller-rides-again.html http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/abaya/1026-obamas-grandmother.html Mon, 03 Nov 2008 22:22:31 GMT I just read the news that she passed away today. It makes me feel really sad... even though I am not personally close to his situation in any way, shape, or form, it reminds me so much of how I felt in 2005 when my 86 year old grandmother passed away from cancer, and I couldn't be there at her side. It was one of the worst times of my life... but I was just a grad student, not running for president, on the eve of the biggest day of one's life. I can't imagine the impact it must be having on him right now, when he is under so much pressure. How awful that it had to happen today, of all days. What a hardship. :(

My condolences to Obama for the loss of his grandmother. ]]> abaya http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/abaya/1026-obamas-grandmother.html http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/abaya/784-hemorrhage.html Mon, 06 Oct 2008 16:47:56 GMT Just keeping notes on the continued fall of the Icelandic currency... today it took another crash, 13% within a few minutes. 13% of its value. They are talking about total bank failure tonight... all Icelandic banks are facing this right now. The government can't afford to take on ALL the risk of every bank. We may have to send all of our money over to our American banks, if our bank does not actually go under in the next 16 hours...

It's currently 127 ISK to the USD, and 171 ISK (!!!) to the EUR. Thank god for ktsp changing our savings over to USD and EUR last week, even though we still lost 60-70% from a year ago. But our paychecks will remain in krónur until we leave this sinking ship of a country.

You think it's bad in the US??? ]]> abaya http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/abaya/784-hemorrhage.html http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/abaya/737-freefall.html Wed, 01 Oct 2008 12:29:19 GMT I have never actually experienced a currency in freefall. It's been quite the ride. I don't think I've accepted it as reality yet, because it's just so mind-boggling.

I thought yesterday was a good day to cash an American check, since we were getting 105 Icelandic krónur (ISK) for 1 dollar (USD). Nope--today it lost ANOTHER 5%, and right now it's at 110 and probably still losing. 110 krónur per dollar. This is unprecedented in Icelandic history. It comes on the heels of news that one of Iceland's biggest banks was nationalized on Monday (and of course, this is all heavily reactionary to the US situation). That's a loss of 57% in value since this time, 12 months ago. Fifty-seven percent of our savings, folks. Vanished into thin air because of the global financial situation.

One Euro is currently buying 157 ISK. This with a currency that used to buy only 98 ISK, a few years ago. That's a loss of 62% in value for the króna. I guess I should be glad we're not moving to Europe. :p

It's really hard to grasp how this is going to affect us in the long run. I just don't know what to think. Except that I know we have to leave this money in Iceland, and can't use it to buy a house or anything in the US, when we move. My fear is that the króna will never recover the value it had, and our savings will remain at 40% of their value (or worse, if this freefall doesn't stop soon). How can so many Americans not realize their country's impact on the rest of the world, when shit like this goes down? ]]> abaya http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/abaya/737-freefall.html http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/abaya/722-small-victories-cold-calling-world.html Mon, 29 Sep 2008 18:26:53 GMT Okay, so after the Icelandic economy did some serious tanking this morning (we've now lost about 40% of our currency's value with regards to the dollar, even more for the Euro--there goes almost half of our savings, woo-hoo!! And I'm not joking... try to imagine how you would feel if almost half of your money was gone, within a few months!)... I just downed some coffee with a shot of Bailey's included, and picked up the phone and started calling. I got two very nice people in a row, and each of them had an additional person living in their household, so that's 4 surveys committed within about 15 minutes of talking on the phone. ROCK ON. THIS feels good.

Both of them were very congenial, one was a man and the other was a woman, and the latter was extremely chatty and did the usual inquiring about my entire personal life (parents, husband, her opinion of Arab men, all within the first 5 minutes) and even expressed regret and discovering that I was already married. She was hoping to set me up with her son in Thailand, who apparently doesn't like Thai women and wants to marry a half-breed like myself, or even better, a farang (white person).

This shit makes my day, I tell you. Ethnographic data streaming right out of my phone. She asked if I had any friends in the US who would marry a Thai man (she said on the side, "he's also rich, and he has a house with X number of bedrooms," which I didn't catch exactly)... I laughed and said sorry, no, "but I'll keep an eye out and let you know." :lol:

If only every phone call could be this easy! It's like gambling, every time I pick up the phone and start dialing. I never know who I'm gonna get. But I think I'm starting to adopt a "polite, clueless Thai half-breed" phone voice and that helps, because the more helpless and idiotic I sound, the more they are willing to help me. Yes, this is how anthropologists do their work, sometimes. It gets the job done. ]]> abaya http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/abaya/722-small-victories-cold-calling-world.html http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/abaya/701-cold-calling.html Fri, 26 Sep 2008 16:02:37 GMT I've probably mentioned this before, but I hate making cold calls. Especially in a language that I am not fluent in--far from it. I would make a HORRIBLE telemarketer... would probably get fired on my first day! haha. I just wouldn't be able to pick up the phone and harass people. I'd sit there, staring at the script on my screen, finger poised above the buttons... unable to do it. Which is what I feel like I'm doing every time I make one of these cold calls in Thai. But I'm not a telemarketer, I'm an anthropologist.

I have to make these calls to get my surveys out, so that I can get at least 200 of them back before we leave Iceland... this is the crux of my PhD dissertation, right here. I should be making like 5-10 calls a day, seriously. I am not getting that far, whatsoever. I just made another one and the person hung up on me, which is very rare... usually they tolerate me bothering them, and most of them even agree to let me drop off a survey at their house (which is what I'm asking them permission to do). I hate it when they hang up on me. I'm not trying to sell them something, for god's sake.

Sometimes I think I should just show up at people's houses and leave the surveys in their mail slot or something. That might be easier... I've been doing that during my rural survey-distribution this summer, when people just didn't have phone numbers, so I had to show up in person. And they filled them out dutifully and sent them back (most of them)... the postage is all pre-paid and everything. But in Reykjavík, I feel weird just showing up at people's doors, like I'm invading their privacy. Even though in Iceland, privacy is kind of a negotiable thing...

Anyway, just venting. Because my nerves are just not very good at handling this... and yet, so much actually depends on my being able to do it. :grumpy: Bleh. ]]> abaya http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/abaya/701-cold-calling.html http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/abaya/678-big-fat-packet.html Wed, 24 Sep 2008 13:49:30 GMT So we've reached the point of no return regarding our stay in Iceland. We mailed our last documents for ktsp's green card application (it's a loooong process--and a HUGE packet of all kinds of legal documents and financial information), and from this point on, it's basically out of our hands. Up until now, we had this thing going pretty much on our own timeline, and that was what we wanted. But in deciding to submit these final documents, it means that as soon as we get the embassy interview (most likely in a few months) and his subsequent immigrant visa, then we must enter the US and stay there, basically permanently... or for at least 3 years, to get his US passport.

So goodbye Iceland. We already bought tickets to Seattle for Christmas. We most likely will not be using the return ticket to Iceland. My parents still have no idea--they're just excited that we'll be home for "a whole 3 weeks!" (little do they know, we'll be there permanently!)--I don't want to tell them until we have the embassy appointment in our hands. This is probably the first major decision of my life that I have not even mentioned to my parents--that's been hard for me.

Some of you might remember that ktsp and I had planned to stay in Iceland for 3.5 years, so that he could get Icelandic citizenship. We made that decision in January (after being here for nearly a year already, which was the original plan)--and flew to the US to move our stuff from PA to WA at the end of April. We had what one might call an epiphany during our visit, which is what prompted us to move up our schedule and decide against his getting an Icelandic passport. Basically, we wanted to get the hell off this island and get ourselves back to the US, back in our mutual comfort zone, most likely back to my hometown of Seattle, as quickly as possible.

That was in May. It has taken this long to get all the details in order, with the paperwork. And in the last 5 months, we had a blast of a time in Iceland. It really gave us pause--again--about whether we were making the right decision. We talked and thought and talked some more. In the end, though, ktsp does not really need the Icelandic (European) passport--and we don't cope well with the winters here. 3 in a row would be masochistic, basically.

But a small part of me, the part of me that has been freaking out a little bit more in the days leading up to this one, felt defeated somehow... as if the country had finally won. Like we're giving up, because we just can't handle the cold weather, extreme winter darkness, and most of all the people here. Because I can't deal with my paternal family issues that I always perceive (correctly or not, but they are still there in my head) to be an issue when I'm here. Because we just want things to be more comfortable, easier, in a language we're both fluent in.

These are not small things, I know. Most people don't have to even think about those kinds of changes, about the stress of living abroad for an extended period of time, and then returning--heck we're not even returning to ktsp's home, so basically it's all abroad for him. But for me, I guess I'm so used to being out of my comfort zone, that I'm not sure what it will be like to go back to it. One gets used to this kind of life--the constant challenge of it, being kept on my toes--I get quite restless if I'm not uncomfortable on a regular basis, I think, and this kind of life definitely keeps me sharp.

So I think life back in the US will seem a bit too easy, at first... sure, I'll have to deal with my mom's issues, but I've been there before. We'll have Seattle traffic to deal with, new social circles to create, my dissertation to write, his job to look for, housing to find... but overall, we can handle that--that's all normal and SO much easier to deal with, when it's in a language you understand and a culture that's familiar. I just hope that I/we will be happier there, because we were just starting to get into a groove here, after 18 months. I want to find a place there again--I haven't really been in Seattle for a good 7 years now. It's a whole bag of mixed feelings, I'm not articulating it very well here... I guess it's just a bit scary.

But the one thing that feels great is that we're in this together. I called ktsp today at lunch and asked if he could go with me to the post office, because I didn't want to do it alone. He came, and actually ended up sending it himself, since I had to park the car. We got ourselves a nice fish lunch at one of our favorite places, and marked "the closing of some doors, and opening new ones." He is confident in this decision, even though it means less options for him (no European passport)--and it doesn't really affect me logistically, except that I'll be closing the Icelandic chapter of my life, and returning to Seattle. I will have to leave my Icelandic family behind, along with all their issues--and that should be a relief to me. Yet I worry that my grandmother (my last one, and my namesake) will die while I am away, for example. That I have not spent enough time with her. Etc etc. The anxiety piles up, and I have to look it squarely in the eye.

I have never liked closing doors. I like to juggle as many options as possible, to make sure there's always another exit. This is a strange trait of mine... makes decision-making damn near impossible, sometimes. So I just have to give myself time to adjust. I say 6-12 months from now, I hope to be in a much more stable place, content with our decision and looking towards the Next Big Thing.

Thanks for reading this far... had a lot jostling around in my head today. ]]> abaya http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/abaya/678-big-fat-packet.html http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/abaya/523-confrontation.html Fri, 05 Sep 2008 16:42:59 GMT I just love a good fight. Just to get in the ring and get all muddy, take some shots, get smacked around, and feel empowered by it all. Because I can take it... and I like it. Gets my heart rate up, wakes me up, makes me think... and even when I make mistakes, I learn from them quickly and get... I just love a good fight. Just to get in the ring and get all muddy, take some shots, get smacked around, and feel empowered by it all. Because I can take it... and I like it. Gets my heart rate up, wakes me up, makes me think... and even when I make mistakes, I learn from them quickly and get ready for my next shot. I love being kept on my toes and tested. The hardest part is to walk away. That's my biggest challenge.

Why don't more women like to fight? (I'm not talking about Sarah Palin, btw.) I wish they did. This forum would benefit from their contributions. ]]> abaya http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/abaya/523-confrontation.html http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/abaya/370-10k-finished.html Sat, 23 Aug 2008 13:07:03 GMT I'm feeling pretty damn good right now. The Reykjavík marathon took place today, and while I didn't feel ready to do the marathon itself, I did sign up a few months ago for the 10k that was going on at the same time. It was further than I had ever run before in a race situation (I did cross-country and track in high school, long long ago, though I was never very fast--mostly did it for fun--and those were 3 mile races).

And I ran the 10k today, in an excellent time for myself! My goal was to be under 70 minutes, and I did it in 64 minutes, 12 seconds! I was overjoyed!!! :D My splits were way faster than I expected (from gym training), which was the best thing about it for me.

This feels all the better as a result of ktsp and I sticking to our gym commitment starting in January this year--this makes it feel real, like it all paid off. I ran 2 shorter 5k's in June, which helped me get into the race mode, and then had to take a break during some summer busy-ness. I got back into the swing of things at the end of July and was running up to 7.5 km in 60 minutes by last week, so I wasn't sure what to expect for race day.

So as I get ready to turn 29 on Monday, I feel really good about getting myself back into shape (after a year of laziness after we got married) and achieving this goal. I'm starting to dream about doing a marathon when I turn 30... we'll see!!! ]]> abaya http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/abaya/370-10k-finished.html