present

the other day, i heard some terrible news from my ex. i've been trying to give him and eachother some space, but we've had minimal contact here and there through email. this is the first time i heard from him on IM for weeks. the pit feeling in my stomach was there before i even clicked on the link he showed me. one of his former students passed away in a car accident. i can't imagine someone i know, let alone am close with, dieing so soon. we place so much value on human relationships and connection that it is hard and devastating when that is taken away. you have memories, at least, but sometimes, those are hard to grasp. i sent him an e-card i made with a quote from his favorite author. there wasn't much else i could think of doing. i offered to go to the funeral as a nice gesture, even though i knew he wouldn't oblige. sometimes, it's the thought that counts.

it really meant a lot to me that he told me all this. he said he wanted me to know, but didn't want to talk about it. understandably so. he said he wanted me to know what was going on with him since that was kind of important in his life. here i thought that i was out of his life, or trying to go through the motions of being out of his life and he still wanted me to know. i was really touched and appreciated it a lot. it makes me feel like we can really be friends someday.

these are reminders of the fragility and impermanence of life and existance. live each day as if it were the last. live in the moment, and enjoy life. don't waste the one life you've got, and don't settle for something that's not right. i've learned that "home" can be a person, a comfort, a joy that you are loved. my ex has been home to me for years. now that i am without, i no longer feel i have a home. no family, no one close to me. i feel so transient; a drifter just wondering where to go next. we place so much value on human relationships and connection that it is hard and devastating when that is taken away. i have my memories, at least.

my living situation is transient. i live with two roommates-a gay couple-in a house that is not mine. i keep my space bare and minimal as if i could be ready to travel at moments notice. my heart is calling and i know that is my next step. the details haven't materialized yet, but i know i need to take a journey... something life changing and life altering, bold, independent and amazing. everyone new that i have met and made a connection with all have travelled and seem to have the same sort of wanderlust. i feel like it is an omen telling me that i need to travel, just go, and DO it. we've only got one life to live.