http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/anti-fishstick/ en Sat, 21 Nov 2009 18:41:40 GMT vBulletin 60 http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/images/insignia/misc/rss.jpg http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/anti-fishstick/ http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/anti-fishstick/1578-fantasy.html Mon, 12 Jan 2009 21:45:54 GMT Sometimes, I like to sniff my fingers; the lingering scent of pussy from last night's masturbation. I fantasize. I fantasize about cock. I fantasize about waking up in the middle of the night and gently dancing my fingers along my lover's chest. Gently, down, down... He will wake up with arousal responding to my touch. I will squirm my way on top of him and gently kiss his lips, neck, chest, hips. Gently, down, down... He is fully awake now, and I will devour him completely with my lips and tongue. Swirling up and down, I tease. He will gesture me forward as I place myself on top of him and ravage his body at 3am in the morning; we grind. My g-spot hits my orgasm as my wet juices flow out of me; an orgasm so amazing, I squirt. The juice overflows around me, a warm rush of fluid, drenching the covers in a neatly contained circle a quarter the size of the bed. Turning him on even greater at the onset of wetness, and myself turned on to heightened senses, we grind harder, faster. He comes, we embrace, two sweating bodies as one. I hug him tightly, this mystery man, and sleep the night content in his arms.

In real life, I have been too passive and waiting for the taking.
So whoever you are, I'd like to ravage you. ]]> anti fishstick http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/anti-fishstick/1578-fantasy.html http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/anti-fishstick/1550-writing.html Thu, 08 Jan 2009 04:00:50 GMT I'm starting to seriously write again and I love it (it is also helping me tremendously in getting over a certain someone..). I used to think I hated poetry, but now I'm writing that too.. I had no idea I had it in me.. And now, all of a sudden, I have this dream of wanting to get published..

I guess my first "I want to be an.." [author] when I was a kid is starting to come around.

Tenacity, perseverance, is more important than talent..
What I mean is, you need tenacity in order to become successful. Nothing is going to happen if you're just laying around, not all the talent in the world can make you successful without the perseverance to do something about it.

So, I have talent. I've always known that. And as of late, have not been very tenacious.

This will change...

Shit, if Stephanie Meyer (from Twilight vampire book fame) can write a novel, so can I! ]]> anti fishstick http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/anti-fishstick/1550-writing.html http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/anti-fishstick/1475-giddy.html Wed, 24 Dec 2008 23:22:36 GMT so a lesbian i have a crush on just invited me to her family christmas gathering when she found out i didn't have any plans..

AND
and

she accepted the job offer at my company and we will be working together starting the first week of January :D

AND
and

she invited me to another book club she's in

(we met at a book club) ]]> anti fishstick http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/anti-fishstick/1475-giddy.html http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/anti-fishstick/1381-man-my-dreams.html Thu, 11 Dec 2008 03:46:51 GMT We were in the same room together. He was perfect. Tousled red hair, and green eyes. Did he really invite me over to his house, I thought? I sauntered over to the bedroom to grab a blanket, wearing only a tank top, underwear and no bra. Joining him in the living room, I sat on the couch next to him... We were in the same room together. He was perfect. Tousled red hair, and green eyes. Did he really invite me over to his house, I thought? I sauntered over to the bedroom to grab a blanket, wearing only a tank top, underwear and no bra. Joining him in the living room, I sat on the couch next to him and curled myself up. He looked over his shoulder towards my direction and leaned towards me. I grabbed his hand and held it at my crotch. I didn't have to do anything else, he did the rest. He slowly began to rub my clit. I moaned in approval and pleasure, undulating my hips. The soft cloth of my underwear rubbed against me, turning me on even more. I gently took my underwear off, careful not to cease the moment. We were kissing now, as our lips and tongues formed a synchronized dance. Little pecks around my neck, his hand caressing my breasts and pinching my nipples. I lifted my arms up as he took my tank top off. My lips moved down to his chest, down to his belly, around his hip bone and thighs. I focused everywhere but his penis, teasing him. I could feel his hard penis tense, and waiting. Finally, I licked the tip of his shaft and worked my way up and down. He shuddered and I began to ride him. I woke up and felt the sensations tingling through my body and smiled. Today would be a good day. ]]> anti fishstick http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/anti-fishstick/1381-man-my-dreams.html http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/anti-fishstick/1363-present.html Mon, 08 Dec 2008 16:58:44 GMT the other day, i heard some terrible news from my ex. i've been trying to give him and eachother some space, but we've had minimal contact here and there through email. this is the first time i heard from him on IM for weeks. the pit feeling in my stomach was there before i even clicked on the link he showed me. one of his former students passed away in a car accident. i can't imagine someone i know, let alone am close with, dieing so soon. we place so much value on human relationships and connection that it is hard and devastating when that is taken away. you have memories, at least, but sometimes, those are hard to grasp. i sent him an e-card i made with a quote from his favorite author. there wasn't much else i could think of doing. i offered to go to the funeral as a nice gesture, even though i knew he wouldn't oblige. sometimes, it's the thought that counts.

it really meant a lot to me that he told me all this. he said he wanted me to know, but didn't want to talk about it. understandably so. he said he wanted me to know what was going on with him since that was kind of important in his life. here i thought that i was out of his life, or trying to go through the motions of being out of his life and he still wanted me to know. i was really touched and appreciated it a lot. it makes me feel like we can really be friends someday.

these are reminders of the fragility and impermanence of life and existance. live each day as if it were the last. live in the moment, and enjoy life. don't waste the one life you've got, and don't settle for something that's not right. i've learned that "home" can be a person, a comfort, a joy that you are loved. my ex has been home to me for years. now that i am without, i no longer feel i have a home. no family, no one close to me. i feel so transient; a drifter just wondering where to go next. we place so much value on human relationships and connection that it is hard and devastating when that is taken away. i have my memories, at least.

my living situation is transient. i live with two roommates-a gay couple-in a house that is not mine. i keep my space bare and minimal as if i could be ready to travel at moments notice. my heart is calling and i know that is my next step. the details haven't materialized yet, but i know i need to take a journey... something life changing and life altering, bold, independent and amazing. everyone new that i have met and made a connection with all have travelled and seem to have the same sort of wanderlust. i feel like it is an omen telling me that i need to travel, just go, and DO it. we've only got one life to live. ]]> anti fishstick http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/anti-fishstick/1363-present.html http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/anti-fishstick/1271-country-girl-vs-city-girl.html Thu, 27 Nov 2008 06:51:54 GMT some nights, it's easier. other nights, it's hard. that's just how it is. emotions are like that after a break up. some nights, i feel strong, like i can do anything. other nights, i am weak, overwhelmed by my senses.

this, too, shall pass.

i am already feeling happier here. my spirit has been lifted. in highschool, i had always wondered if i was a "city girl" or a "country girl". i could never decide because i appreciate the country, yet i love the excitement and things to do in a city. i'm not an extrovert, so the country makes sense with a slower pace of life and feeling relaxed and comfortable. cities are more frantic, but it's what you make of it. at the end of the day, you can still choose to stay home but there are more options and resources available. in the country, you're almost forced to be a homebody.

it is a wednesday night before thanksgiving, and i choose to stay home. i had told myself i wanted to see a reggae concert at mcmenamins. at the end of the day, i chose to be home, but the option was still there. that's nice.

in college, i spent three terms dorming in monmouth. population: 8,547. the closest city was salem, but i didn't really hang out there. i just stayed mostly in my dorm, hung out with limited friends, and did a lot of recreational drugs. in short, i was bored, and i hated it there. the place didn't challenge me, least of all, the campus. the classes and my peers were a joke. it felt like high school academics. i wasn't getting into art and design fast enough. i didn't feel stimulated. i felt that i was just wasting away... when it comes down to it, i never felt that i could be myself there (whatever that means).

there was no way that i could actualize my self in a small town like monmouth. one of the best decisions i have ever made was to go to school in a city. i chose the art institute of portland because it was close to home, where i could live with my parents and still have a safety net. finally, i was back in my element! and, i was going somewhere with my life. life no longer felt static, but abundant and creative.

my friend laughed when she heard i was moving to prineville. population: 10,000. maybe she knew me better than i did. that's not surprising. if going to a school in the city was one of the best decisions i've ever made, then it can be said that moving to another small town was one of the worst decisions i ever made. in monmouth, i only lasted three terms. in prineville, i lasted three years. i should have known better. but i got by with love, and the understanding and hope that it would not be a permanent place. trouble is, it felt permanent in my mind, particularly when one thing lead to another and i was a homeowner. when one thing lead to another, and the economy and housing market was down and it would not be a good time to sell. yeah, it was permanent all right. and there was no plan for the next step. what next? i make my own choices this time.

in retrospect, i know now that i am not a country girl. i never made the connection from monmouth to prineville, but i know now that the feelings were similar. in both places, i felt stifled, under-stimulated, and unchallenged. in both places, i was wasting away... self actualization can not come to me from the country, unless i go there specifically to meditate, relax or rejuvenate. but not to live. it doesn't suit me. it's not in my personality. i don't feel like i can just be myself. i need culture, diversity, resources, inspiration, art! all things available to me in the city. i make friends easier in the city. i can join more groups. i can do so much more. even just knowing that i have more options makes me feel less frantic, more relaxed. i don't have to rely on only one other person when there are more options for myself. i can be less needy. i feel the world at my fingertips and it is exciting. i don't sense that with the country. the country drains me of my personality, and identity. i do not grow there. life is too static.

it is no wonder that i'd like to live in san francisco, portland, seattle, chicago, vancouver, or new york city... i need to feel the world at my fingertips. i need options. i need to feel excitement. i need to sense it, not deprive myself of it. finding a good location for oneself has got to be the right fit. it's got to feel right. if not, you will find yourself miserable and unhappy.

i want to like the country, and i do. i want to consider it my home, but i don't. i wanted it to feel right, and it wasn't. but now i know. ]]> anti fishstick http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/anti-fishstick/1271-country-girl-vs-city-girl.html http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/anti-fishstick/1163-moving-day.html Sat, 15 Nov 2008 16:13:16 GMT Today is my big moving day. I'm sitting here waiting for the day to begin... I'll only be moving 35 minutes away, where I will now be 5 minutes away from work instead of... 35, but this feels like a HUGE life change for me. A new chapter has begun. I will be rooming with a gay couple, and will be minutes away from my friends, both of which brought to me via craigslist. I will finally be away from my ex, whom, for a month I have endured living with in very awkward post-relationship stress..

And so ends my life with him, who I may or may not have foolishly thought would be my lifepartner, and so begins my life with myself. I am actually rather excited! I am still sad, and as a sensitive person, I cry often, but I thought I would feel MUCH worse.. A year ago, I didn't even think that I deserved this, and at the same time, I never felt I deserved my ex either. I didn't think I deserved a better life, happiness, or to be a better person. I went to a therapist once. She was damn good, and I never called her again. I felt threatened and scared by progress. Now, I am seeing the same therapist again... A year later, I have called. I am ready. ]]> anti fishstick http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/anti-fishstick/1163-moving-day.html http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/anti-fishstick/946-elephant-graves.html Mon, 27 Oct 2008 18:40:16 GMT We mourn Old Love like the passing of an elephant encrusted in its skeletal grave The herd pauses to remember honor the memory of what once was Their strong trunks and ivory tusks Move on We mourn Old Love like
the passing of an elephant
encrusted in its skeletal grave
The herd pauses
to remember
honor
the memory of what once was
Their strong trunks
and ivory tusks
Move on
With the gathering of dawn to dusk

A new day comes
the sun will always rise
its magnificent red bleaches the sky
enamoured by its colors
I form New Love
With my self this time
Within my self
With myself
The land stretches on for miles upon the horizon
The unknown points only forward
Africa calls the traveling heart

The solitary panda
marches on
to the beat of a new drum
Exotic rhythms tackle percussion
Rawhide skin stretches enclaves of desert canyons
The dance will never end
Echoing hearts and unstable winds
Never anchored to one land
We live worlds apart

The elephant calls its mighty din
A new time has come
For exploration and strength
The herd stampedes through one land
Migrating onwards
Time will tell what may come
And maybe someday
They will visit the elephant grave again
In passing, in pause, and onward again ]]> anti fishstick http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/anti-fishstick/946-elephant-graves.html http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/anti-fishstick/881-begins.html Sun, 19 Oct 2008 05:53:57 GMT Will and I are finally breaking up. It's still hard to process and feel that I am actually "single". I sit here with tears running down my cheeks, like little rivulets. I keep going back and forth to this journal or that, or one book to the other. I began writing in my notebook journal but I somehow couldn't find the strength to hold the pen. Fast fingers on the keyboard suit me better tonight....

I realized his priorities had changed. He no longer dedicated to the relationship, or me, and never felt it a priority to introduce me to other people in his life. His one priority is in himself, and for that reason, he is in no place to be in a relationship mentally or emotionally right now. Things are changing. We are both changing. Possibly for the better, but for whatever reason, our relationship couldn't change with us. We grew apart. It's hard to write that but.. We. Grew. Apart. I suppose it is better than falling in love. Growth is exponentionally better than a fall. I wished I could say "we grew together", but I can't. This is the biggest heartbreak thus far in my young existence. I've always been a loner, so maybe it won't be so bad...

As for me, I am changing and growing too. I already feel stronger. I know I am not the woman I once was when I first met him; a young art student with wonder in her eyes and a shudder to think. I made this decision to move out on my own. I talked to him about it until we came to a mutual agreement. I enacted change! I didn't look to Will to pull the plug, or tell me what to do next. I looked to myself, even though it was a hard thing to think about, or make a decision on. More of this inward thinking is what I need to focus on, and what my priorities need to be. Delve into my past to get a clearer view for the present. Nevermind the future. We are still financially tied together. We have a house, a mortgage, a cell phone plan, bank account, dog, everything together. I cannot-must not-break up with him with expectations that "this is only temporary" or that eventually, we will get back together. Similarly, I can't make limitations for myself that the possibility of getting back together, or the act of getting back together with someone in general, is out of the question. I always felt that was a bad idea for people to get back together. What use is it to get back together with someone when it didn't work the first time? I just never saw the point. But now, I am starting to loosen my thoughts on this. Depending on the situation, it doesn't have to be the wrong thing at all. If only the two partners who come together have changed, learned from mistakes, are able to forgive and forget the past in order to mend and start anew, and it feels right, then why not? Being with Will has softend me to the idea of getting back together as not being a blanket "bad" thing. But, I also must remember no expectations, and no limitations. If I move out with expectations, my quest to better myself will be distracted, and frankly, won't work. I need to stay away from expectations and I need to remind myself constantly because unfortunately, I lean towards that hope, as I have always done...

This reminds me of times when we still knew eachother exclusively online. I would get mad at him, or frustrated about something or other, and "block him" from my contact. He would always come back to me. Somehow, I knew that blocking him wouldn't be the end all be all of contact. I knew we would pick up again every time, even when I felt so frustrated to not talk to him for months, and could have cared less if we had talked ever again. That's the no expectation part... We have done this dance for years. Push, and pull... Somehow, I know this is not the end. Only the beginning. But I have to be prepared for anything to happen, whether I like it or not. I could start dating someone else, and fall in love again. The same could happen for him. I have to be OK with that. I need to be able to say "I could care less if we never talk again!" That won't happen overnight, but it will have to happen eventually... Right now, I need to let things take its course.

This is an adventure. This will be my first time finding a place to rent with roommates. My first time really alone, as a single woman. I would like to experience fully living on my own, but financially can't see that possible for now. In the meantime, the roommates should be a good experience in itself. I mostly want to keep to myself, and I have no intention of dating... I feel much stronger when I am not around him. I am a crying, bumbling mess when I see him, because his presence ignites those flustered feelings I have so strongly, and I feel the pain more. So this will be for the best. Out of sight, out of mind...

My issues revolve particularly from childhood. I was greatly affected by the negative rolemodels my parents were. Dad was physically abusive with me from a young age, and eventually stopped. But the emotional and verbal abuse still remained. Mom was an enabler, and I resented her for it. She would tell me things when I was growing up, about how she wished she had married this guy, or that, instead of him. How if she had enough money, she would leave him. She was very needy for attention, both from me and dad. She was selfish and criticized me for not being good enough, always comparing me to others. Unknowingly, I had transferred this mother/daughter role on to my relationship, only this time, I was acting out HER role towards Will. I didn't mean for this to happen, and I am sorry. I know the first step needs to mend and grieve the relationship I never had with mom, and for me to have the awareness of the pattern and consciously decide not to do that, and change. This won't be easy, but it is within my ability to do. I know this.

I have learned and grown a lot since we first met. Sometimes, I wish I had met him later in life, so we wouldn't have to go through this now. So I could have been a better person from the start... But I know I had to go through this with him for a reason, and if I hadn't, I probably wouldn't be writing and thinking about this now. I would probably still be asleep to the behaviors that I have. Now is MY time to address that, and to have a stronger sense of self, and so much more... For me to even get here feels like a step in the right direction. For me to even be talking about this feels like I am already becoming a stronger individual. And I am. I have noticed my interractions with Will, particularly in the last few weeks before our final decision, have eased up. I took him for granted, and when the threat of us actually ending hit me, I took a step back and realized a few things. Interestingly, we have been communicating better than we ever have before, and I have been less "frantic" and "out of control" when I talk to him! I am better able to keep my emotions at bay, and not get caught up in a downward spiral and going in circles. I am proud of the progress I seem to have made, but sad that we have to part ways anyway. I know that we are both relieved, and that part of me is excited to finally have this experience "on my own". I lived with my parents from the age of 23 and moved the day after I graduated to be with him. It has been a hard road since then... Parly, I believe, because I never got a chance to experience being on my own, finding out who I am, and ultimately, because I lost myself in the relationship. I can't do that now. I have to stay focused and be the best version of myself as I can be.

And it begins... ]]> anti fishstick http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/anti-fishstick/881-begins.html http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/anti-fishstick/767-hot-teacher.html Fri, 03 Oct 2008 18:43:33 GMT I remember when I was in highschool and getting hit on by older, male teachers. It always made me feel weird. The two in particular that seemed to be recurring were the band teacher and my tennis coach. Both were over their 50s and one pushing retirement. My coach convinced me to let him take me... I remember when I was in highschool and getting hit on by older, male teachers. It always made me feel weird. The two in particular that seemed to be recurring were the band teacher and my tennis coach. Both were over their 50s and one pushing retirement. My coach convinced me to let him take me home once and he hit on me the whole way over to my house. Asking if I had a boyfriend... Saying boys would love to be with me, what boy wouldn't? I don't know if they seriously think this is a form of compliment or confidence booster and that they are just trying to help, but it was very creepy for me. I wonder if it would be any better or worse if the teacher were in his 20s or 30s... If the teacher was himself attractive. What is it about authority that makes them want to assert this kind of male dominance and control? Are they lonely? Are they trying to seek some sort of attention for themselves? And, I always wonder what their wives would think. How horrible it must be for them if they ever found out... Where are the lines crossed?

If a teacher were to hit on me in their 20s and I was 16 or 17 at the time, I might feel even more conflicted, particularly if the teacher was attractive. I would struggle with those feelings of liking the teacher, wanting his attention. I would struggle with wondering if he were attracted to me, I'd treat it like a dangerous, taboo game of normal male/female attraction. It would be a silly girl crush. I would still think it was a little weird, and maybe that this was wrong in some way. He might like the attention I would give him. Why? What is he looking for? What does he want from female students?

I had a crush on my photography teacher once. He was in his late 20s or early 30s. He gave me some burnt cds of Wilco and Belle and Sebastian. We always talked about music. He always picked on me in the class. He was always joking towards me and seemed to give me more attention than the rest of the class. He called me the teacher's pet. I knew I was, too. I couldn't tell if he liked me though. I wanted him to. I fantasized about him and us together and how that would feel... I had mixed feelings of confusion everytime I saw him. I was slightly obsessed with him. I tried to keep in contact with him after highschool since he gave me his email address but when I wrote he didn't really respond much. We lost contact and I got over the crush as soon as I knew he was no longer in my life. But what if he were still in my life? Would I still be attracted to him? Would I still want him? What if we had stayed in contact all these years? I might feel weird about it because I have never stayed in contact with teachers and think of this as somewhat taboo and unacceptable.

Knowing all this, I am pretty adamant about the boundaries between teachers and students, particularly, male teachers with female students. I find it upsetting to know that myspace serves a vehicle for teachers to keep in contact with students. It can be harmless, but it could also be detrimental, depending on how the teacher/students use the medium together. Some districts ban this practice of teacher's using myspace to keep in touch with students, thinking it unprofessional. So, where should the boundaries start? Where do you draw the line? When does it go too far? Some teachers tread shady territory. There are lots of grey areas. I know a teacher who uses myspace while her students are still in her class. She had an unprofessional relationship with a boy from the school, a german exchange student that she kissed. She would use myspace to say endearing things to him. This is obviously crossing the line but beyond that, she would use myspace to talk to her current students on a friendly level. It was all very weird to me. Is it ok to friend a student after they've graduated? Is this any "better" than friending them while they are still in your class? Why would you want to keep in touch? What does this action say about the teacher? Is it detrimental for students to keep in touch, particularly when they have a crush on you, or find you attractive? If the teacher knows this, should he/she draw the line and stop contacting the student? What if the teacher knows this and continues to seek her attention? These are all questions running through my head. Should you at any time call your students or freely give out your number to them? What topics are acceptable to talk about vs. what topics are unacceptable? I would think it unacceptable for a teacher to talk about his personal life, and relationships. If my boyfriend who happens to be a teacher ever talks about me to his students on a personal level, I would feel weird about it, and as if I should have given my consent and have a right to say this is off limits. IT IS OFF LIMITS. I have a hard time accepting the contact he seeks and constantly gives to his students in general, let alone if he were to give details about our relationship. I am not saying he does this, but I am not saying he hasn't either. I really have no idea what he does... maybe it's better that way. If I knew, I might feel horrible. ]]> anti fishstick http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/anti-fishstick/767-hot-teacher.html http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/anti-fishstick/715-8-mile.html Sun, 28 Sep 2008 18:36:15 GMT Wow, I just ran 8 miles and my feet feel like they're going to fall off. Towards the end of my run, my legs really felt like little twigs and my feet would snap off any minute. :P Interesting.

I am training for a half marathon but not really following my schedule very well. I'm supposed to run 3x a week and this has been my first run this week. I should have run 3 miles on two other days... But instead, I went hiking two times. That counts... right? :P

I feel really slow. I just went to mapmyrun.com and found out I had about 5mph pace or 11.47 minute miles. Whenever I run on the treadmill, I can usually maintain 6mph or 10min. miles or less (up to 9.40 min. miles)! What gives? Oh well. I see myself more of a survivalist runner... I run to just SURVIVE the 13 mile half marathon (or eventually, a full marathon!), and not to necessarily get the best stats or improve my pacing. Though, I hope by November 30th, during the half marathon, I can quicken my pace a bit. 11.47 feels pathetic. Nevertheless, I RAN 8 MILES! Over 1 1/2 hours! This is a first for me. ]]> anti fishstick http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/anti-fishstick/715-8-mile.html http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/anti-fishstick/697-pavlovian-dog.html Fri, 26 Sep 2008 07:25:19 GMT I've been writing poetry lately because it's easier to write in abstracts about feelings and emotions than delve into those emotions head on. Don't get me wrong. I love poetry, am rediscovering my love for it, in writing and reading. Poetry is a good release for me when things are hard but I also need paragraphs! And the inclination that I can think beyond metaphor, and into the heart of an issue.

I used to think poets
wore their hearts on their sleeves.
Now I think they just
wear their poems and
hide the rest...
I don't want to hide.

Unfortunately, I feel as if that's what my "Significant Other", if you would still call him that, does. There is no room for this relationship to grow anymore. I don't often know what I'm doing here, when all he does is wallow in his own alienation and pain, and shares nothing... but poems.

I'm waiting for something and no longer know if it's worth waiting for, or what I'm even waiting for in the first place. Everything is foggy. I have no relationship with him other than memories, and looking back at it all, it's not even been that great... He tells me to be patient. Patient for what? Our life together has never felt as excruciatingly painful as it does today. It has never felt like a complete stand still until now. Why can't we move on and start our lives together again or move on and get out? This is either a long break up or a long patch up and I don't know which and it is excruciatingly hard to handle. I don't know his feelings or his willingness to live our lives together. If he wants to put the efforts into recovering our relationship, why doesn't he give to the relationship rather than ignore it and keep it at a standstill? He keeps saying he needs his space, and time to process. But why can't there be a compromise that would also involve nurturing the relationship? Is he even willing to go to couples counseling or counseling for himself?

I can NOT keep waiting like this without a sense of what the hell is going on. I have become a Pavlovian dog. I wait for his affection at night, in bed. I notice he is able to do this more when I give him his space. So I eagerly crave this "reward" when I give him the space he needs. It feels good knowing that he can relax, and that I am giving him what he asks. It feels good to do things for myself, go out with friends, delve into my thoughts through journal writing and poetry. I am working on myself too. I have sworn never to bring up our relationship, and wait for him to approach it when he is ready. Every time I talk about our relationship, it always seems to backfire and I realize now that this is the needy energy he keeps talking about. It's a double-edged sword. I realize it is much healthier to WANT him vs. to NEED him. I have needed him for years, and I am trying to break away from that. Wanting is a personal choice, an invocation that Yes! I want to be with this man. I love him! But need is clingy. An invocation that I cannot do things for myself, that I need him to complete me. So in order for me to want him, I need to stop talking about our relationship as if I NEED some sort of recognition from him or pat on the back to make me feel better. I know I need to replace him with healthy activities that would make me feel better on my own; journal writing, meditation, taking a walk or a run.

So when I approached him last night with a completely different attitude than NEED, by talking about religion and philosophy and having a discussion, I felt pretty good about myself. The only thing is, the Pavlovian dog didn't get the reward that night. Instead, I got a half-hearted, lackadaisical goodnight as he tucked me into bed. I could tell from his demeanor that my wanting him to tuck me in was a nuisance to him. It hurt my feelings because I didn't think he cared, and just dismissed me as being "needy" again. Later, in bed, no affection came. I got no reward for a different behavior than my normal "talks" with him. Naturally, I freaked out the next morning and was hurt by this. I took it personally. I thought that if I can no longer talk to him about our relationship because he accuses me of being "needy" and "controlling" and "selfish", and I can no longer talk to him about things in general, then what else do I have? What else can I hold on to? Nothing. I have done nothing wrong last night yet I get nothing in return. I am scared to communicate with him at all for fear that he will just accuse me of X Y or Z or that I will end up hurting his feelings, or closing him off even more. I cannot keep giving him his space by having to practically ignore him in order for me to get some affection in bed. I just cannot operate like that anymore. I can't ignore when I feel I need to nurture our relationship and keep it going, rather than this awkward standstill! He does not share with me his feelings and I have no sense of up or down...

I have been trying to change my reality. Reality is what you make of it. I realize that the more I focus on our relationship, the more it backfires. I need to focus on myself. And I have been. I'm trying. The moment I mess up, and feel my focus shift back to the relationship and react to it, I feel I am punished, and we start the cycle all over again. The reality is, I am STILL in a relationship, and I don't feel like I can ignore this aspect of my life, no matter how hard I try to focus on solely myself. While you're in a relationship, it needs nurturing too, and I don't feel like he has been doing that at all. Our communication is still limited, and often breaks down. I feel he holes up more, the deeper he delves into himself, and doesn't communicate those feelings. The only way I can get him to communicate in a way that I can see, is to hurt his feelings. I would try to nurture our relationship by giving him affection but again, that backfires, calling me "controlling".

Why do I feel the need to hurt people to get attention? All my life, my attention has always been of the negative variety. I seem to perpetuate this on my own by wanting to self destruct and hurt others along the way. This is the one mistake I made today. While still feeling hurt and angered, I found reasons to get upset at him rather than telling him directly why I was upset in the first place! This ended up hurting his feelings and again, our cycle, and his recovery process, starts over. It starts with my own hurt feelings and I feel I need to validate this by hurting other's feelings in return. I didn't/don't feel I can talk to him directly because of the ways he's punished me before for bringing up my feelings or talking about our relationship. The healthier thing would have been to tell him directly that my feelings were hurt and why I was upset about last night, but I hesitated, felt it wasn't my place to bring up, for fear that I would be accused of neediness, and control again.

We talked tonight, and it is no surprise that I get accused of the same things. Control. Neediness. Selfishness. It is a double-edged sword. I feel if I would have talked to him directly, rather than passive agressively hurt his feelings, I still would have been called out as being needy or selfish. I fear my actions around him. I fear his dismissive labels. I fear the failure his dismissive labels make me feel. The hurt and agony that I am a fuck up.

Relationships, by nature, are selfish. His act of delving inward is selfish, just as much as my wanting to know his thoughts and feelings are selfish. To accuse me of selfishness gets us nowhere but deeper in the hole. Why does he continue to label me such horrible adjectives?

He says I am controlling, but his dismissive labels feel like control just as well. If control and powerlessness is his one big issue, then what's to say he hasn't also been controlling? He has.

Recently, he dictated our time when I offered to drive us to Portland one weekend. He kept telling me to go faster, watch the speedometer, keep a steady pace at at least 65mph. I never tell him what to do when he drives, yet he tries to control my experience. No wonder I prefer it when he drives... He tried to "help" me out of a cramped parking lot and I expressed my uncomfortableness of the situation and that I would rather he drive instead. He insisted I drive and that he would help. I was basically forced in a stressful situation and he got mad at me for yelling at the result of my stress level. It is as if I was not allowed to express or experience my emotion. He wouldn't talk to me for the rest of the night. I cried myself to sleep while he repeatedly asked "what are you doing?" Am I not allowed to cry, too?

This is one big head fuck. I am realizing how controlling HE has been throughout the years, yet he constantly accuses me of the same... the very actions that would indicate his control over me. If control and powerlessness is really his issue, he has not been able to get away from it up to now, and it is not working for me, or him. I don't feel like I can simply wait around for him any longer to figure out his thoughts and feelings. I need a sense of momentum in this relationship, a sense that we are working together and going somewhere with our life together, or should we decide, apart, NOT stagnant standstill. I feel I have been absolutely committed in trying to make this relationship work. I don't know what he feels because he can't/won't tell me. I can't/won't control him anymore because I am done talking about our relationship unless he approaches me. It is one of the main reasons I messed up today, and went the path of my usual passive-agressiveness instead. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

For now, I will wait for my bell.
Salivate to your touch.
Pavlov's dog,
an experiment with emotion,
as i feel the relationship
in itself
is the experiment
excluding objective reasoning
scientific method
gone awry. ]]> anti fishstick http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/anti-fishstick/697-pavlovian-dog.html http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/anti-fishstick/683-canyon.html Wed, 24 Sep 2008 18:18:48 GMT the canyon
nature's edifice
deadening
deafening
delusional dungeon
I want to
strangle the wind
make him listen to air
but he just blows me off
away
the strength of a gentle sway
the rocks crash down in silence
with no one here to listen
stillness seeps in
complacency coupled by charm
i'd like to visit the canyon
peek out from above the massive
sunken
hollow hole
i shouldn't stay for long
we pray for destruction
to bring about a new cycle of change
so that something can begin
or begin again
and something else
can end
only the canyon knows
whats buried there ]]> anti fishstick http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/anti-fishstick/683-canyon.html http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/anti-fishstick/644-armegeddon.html Fri, 19 Sep 2008 19:51:44 GMT armegeddon will come soon the look in your eyes the subtle goodbyes, we built houses out of sticks, only to have a war torn land, with the simple flutter of the wind like butterflies lost, fluttering wings, armegeddon
will come soon
the look in your eyes
the subtle goodbyes,
we built houses out of sticks,
only to have a war torn land,
with the simple flutter of the wind

like butterflies lost,
fluttering wings,
spinning in eternity,
i will always remember,
if not,
apathy,
sympathy,
empathy,
how do i love?
where to go from here...

i look at the desolate land,
for miles and miles,
dirt,
the color of my shoes,
ancient wounds resurface,
rebuild,
heal

i want to walk away,
but my feet remain planted,
like a root to a tree,
i'll plant the seeds,
grow again,
and again,
spin my web of intricate calamity,
this ain't paradise, honey
but it's something

armegeddon is here,
and still i stay,
digging holes for coffins,
death is freedom
from pain ]]> anti fishstick http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/anti-fishstick/644-armegeddon.html