some nights, it's easier. other nights, it's hard. that's just how it is. emotions are like that after a break up. some nights, i feel strong, like i can do anything. other nights, i am weak, overwhelmed by my senses.

this, too, shall pass.

i am already feeling happier here. my spirit has been lifted. in highschool, i had always wondered if i was a "city girl" or a "country girl". i could never decide because i appreciate the country, yet i love the excitement and things to do in a city. i'm not an extrovert, so the country makes sense with a slower pace of life and feeling relaxed and comfortable. cities are more frantic, but it's what you make of it. at the end of the day, you can still choose to stay home but there are more options and resources available. in the country, you're almost forced to be a homebody.

it is a wednesday night before thanksgiving, and i choose to stay home. i had told myself i wanted to see a...

Today is my big moving day. I'm sitting here waiting for the day to begin... I'll only be moving 35 minutes away, where I will now be 5 minutes away from work instead of... 35, but this feels like a HUGE life change for me. A new chapter has begun. I will be rooming with a gay couple, and will be minutes away from my friends, both of which brought to me via craigslist. I will finally be away from my ex, whom, for a month I have endured living with in very awkward post-relationship stress..

And so ends my life with him, who I may or may not have foolishly thought would be my lifepartner, and so begins my life with myself. I am actually rather excited! I am still sad, and as a sensitive person, I cry often, but I thought I would feel MUCH worse.. A year ago, I didn't even think that I deserved this, and at the same time, I never felt I deserved my ex either. I didn't think I deserved a better life, happiness, or to be a better person. I went to a therapist once. She was damn...

We mourn Old Love like
the passing of an elephant
encrusted in its skeletal grave
The herd pauses
to remember
honor
the memory of what once was
Their strong trunks
and ivory tusks
Move on
With the gathering of dawn to dusk

A new day comes
the sun will always rise
its magnificent red bleaches the sky
enamoured by its colors
I form New Love
With my self this time
Within my self
With myself
The land stretches on for miles upon the horizon
The unknown points only forward
Africa calls the traveling heart

The solitary panda
marches on
to the beat of a new drum
Exotic rhythms tackle percussion
Rawhide skin stretches enclaves of desert canyons
The dance will never end
Echoing hearts and unstable winds
Never anchored to one land
We live worlds apart

The elephant...

Will and I are finally breaking up. It's still hard to process and feel that I am actually "single". I sit here with tears running down my cheeks, like little rivulets. I keep going back and forth to this journal or that, or one book to the other. I began writing in my notebook journal but I somehow couldn't find the strength to hold the pen. Fast fingers on the keyboard suit me better tonight....

I realized his priorities had changed. He no longer dedicated to the relationship, or me, and never felt it a priority to introduce me to other people in his life. His one priority is in himself, and for that reason, he is in no place to be in a relationship mentally or emotionally right now. Things are changing. We are both changing. Possibly for the better, but for whatever reason, our relationship couldn't change with us. We grew apart. It's hard to write that but.. We. Grew. Apart. I suppose it is better than falling in love. Growth is exponentionally better than...

I remember when I was in highschool and getting hit on by older, male teachers. It always made me feel weird. The two in particular that seemed to be recurring were the band teacher and my tennis coach. Both were over their 50s and one pushing retirement. My coach convinced me to let him take me home once and he hit on me the whole way over to my house. Asking if I had a boyfriend... Saying boys would love to be with me, what boy wouldn't? I don't know if they seriously think this is a form of compliment or confidence booster and that they are just trying to help, but it was very creepy for me. I wonder if it would be any better or worse if the teacher were in his 20s or 30s... If the teacher was himself attractive. What is it about authority that makes them want to assert this kind of male dominance and control? Are they lonely? Are they trying to seek some sort of attention for themselves? And, I always wonder what their wives would think. How horrible it must be for them if they ever...