Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community - Blogs - Story of a Girl by CinnamonGirl

Care Bear Stare

CinnamonGirl — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 23:27:25 GMT

I wanted to post this in the facebook thread, but it wasn't really relevent. Plus, I didn't have much more to say, other than sometimes, I wish I could do this.

Spring Cleaning

CinnamonGirl — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 21:35:31 GMT

...okay, so I'm a little late.

This week, I've completely cleaned out my bedroom & closets, and gone through all the boxes I've had stored in the furnace room for ten years or so. My Inner Packrat is crying, as I've tossed about five bags worth of trash, and donated six bags of clothes to Salvation Army.

Sadly, I STILL have too much stuff. There are some things I have no real use for, but can't bring myself to throw away: awards from high school, homecoming pictures, random notes and letters, tons of cassette tapes.

Some other things I've found:

-- assorted diaries and journals, from 2nd grade, then every year from 5th-10th grades, plus one I kept while I was married. The second grade one is mostly about books (I was very taken with The Mouse and the Motorcycle) and my bicycle, and the rest are eerily similar, about friendships, relationships, and love in general (or lack thereof), although at least the later ones use better vocabulary and grammar. I was quite the drama queen in junior high, apparently.

-- a note from a good friend of mine that seems to be an apology...I don't remember the fight, but the note made me smile. Basically said how much she admired me for not worrying about what other people think, and how she wished she could be like that. It would've been 6th grade, I think.

-- my Skankin' Pickle cd (Sing Along With Skankin' Pickle), and a TMBG cd (Severe Tire Damage.) w00t!

-- the literary magazines from all four years of high school. I wrote really, really terrible poetry. Some of the prose isn't too bad, though. A little rough, but not bad.

-- quite a few unmarked mix tapes. I can't wait to listen to 'em.

-- my Polaroid instant camera. I want to go buy film right now and take a ton of pictures.

-- autographed copy of The Porcupine Mouse, by Bonnie Pryor (what was my obsession with mice?) She came to my school in second grade, which is where I got the autograph.

-- tons of clothes, most of which I donated, but a few that I held onto... like the black vinyl skirt I used to wear when I went out dancing; the long velvet skirt I thought I'd lost in one of the moves; and a gorgeous indigo sweater that's supersoft

It's been an interesting trip down Memory Lane, but I'm ready to be done. Hopefully, I can finish up today.

Minor annoyance

CinnamonGirl — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 19:12:04 GMT

On the way to work yesterday, my phone rang. I didn't recognize the number, so I let it ring. A few minutes later, the same number called again. I was puzzled, but again, didn't answer. Almost immediately, I got a text that said "Cinn?"

Hmmm, I thought. Someone from work, maybe? I called back, and...it was my ex. Apparently, he'd been "moving things around" and came across my Wedding Singer soundtrack, and the dvd insert from one of my Angel seasons. "I would just throw them away," he said, "but they're yours, and I thought you might want them."

I considered telling him to mail them to me, but that's a little silly, seeing as how he lives just down the road. So, he's supposed to drop them off today.

Of course, if this goes the same way as when we first broke up, I won't hear from him again for another month or so. It's okay, though... much as I love the soundtrack, I can just buy another one. And I can get an episode guide for Angel online. No big deal.

I've come to the conclusion that, no, I don't hate the ex. But I don't have any desire to see him. Ever again. I'm not curious about his life, or what he's up to, or what he looks like now. I'm disappointed in myself for wasting three years, but that's about it.

But...I have to deal with him this one last time, apparently. And, hey, I can rock out to some 80s awesomeness after he's gone.

Happy Halloween, TFP!

CinnamonGirl — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 06:35:23 GMT

Danse Macabre

Night On Bald Mountain

In the Hall of the Moutain King

xkcd

CinnamonGirl — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 02:43:28 GMT

Good things

CinnamonGirl — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 21:21:48 GMT

First and foremost, I had an absolutely fabulous time in North Carolina. So very much wanted to stay. Tentatively planning another visit during my winter break, but details aren't hammered out yet. I'm sure we'll let you all know ;)

Life has certainly taken an upswing the past few weeks. I've heard, from several different people, that I have Potential. And it isn't the usual "Cinn, you're lazy, get off your ass and do something." It's, "Cinn, you can really BE something. Don't waste it." I guess they're basically the same thing, but one seems to be borne from irritation, and the other...the other is actual caring and concern. I am constantly surprised about what others notice about me, and how, even after being in the state that I've been in, they honestly believe in me, and what I can do.

I also seem to be throwing out vibes lately... I'm getting more compliments, more smiles, more looks, more flirtatious advances. People that, up to now, haven't made an effort to talk to me in class, are now joking around with me, and notice when I've missed a class. When I went to work Tuesday to pick up my check, three people told me I looked awesome. That never happens.

Part of it is the glowy aftereffects I'm feeling from last week. Part of it, I think, is just plain old fashioned confidence. I've been so down on myself since...well, for the past couple years, to be honest. TFP (especially a few specific members...you know who you are) has gone a long way toward repairing my broken self-esteem; so, thank you for that.

The combination of all these things has done wonders in "waking me up," so to speak. It's time to get out of this rut. I've put in an application for Disney's College Program, and I'm going to the presentation tonight. If I'm accepted, it means moving to Florida for five months, working at the park and possibly (but not necessarily) taking classes.

The basic College Program means I'll probably be doing something lower on the scale... merchandise, front gate, something like that. After completing the basic program, though, I'll be eligible for the professional program-- which includes Conservation Education. Which I would absolutely love to do.

If I DON'T get into the program, it's time to start planning. Appalachian State has degrees in both Environmental Sciences and Education (if I decide to stick with that.) Since I don't want to pay $20,000 (and I couldn't afford it even if I wanted to), the plan of attack is this: spend a year working and going to the community college to establish NC residency, then bam... much cheaper tuition.

And if none of that works out... I've still got Nashville in the back of my mind.

Basically, I feel like I've been hibernating. It's time to step up, and stop depending on other people so much. It's time to see what I'm actually capable of doing. To quote Lloyd Dobler: "My assault on the world begins now."

My theme song

CinnamonGirl — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 16:41:12 GMT

Saving Jane

My hair's a wreck
Mascara runs
My feet get dirty, and my skin burns in the sun
My lips, they bleed
But I still sing my song
Takes me a minute to admit it when I'm wrong
Pretty is as pretty does, but pretty's not my thing

This is what you get
This is who I am
Take me now or leave me, anyway you can
Sometimes I slip and fall
But I know where I stand
So if you're thinking about changing my direction
Don't mess wth imperfection

My back is weak
But my will is true
Got good intentions, but I never follow through
I say too much
And don't know when to leave
In case you're looking, that's my heart there on my sleeve
Ego trips and stupid slipups, I'm a wreck, but

This is what you get
This is who I am
Take me now or leave me, anyway you can
Sometimes I slip and fall
But I know where I stand
So if you're thinking about changing my direction
Don't mess with imperfection

Scratched and bruised, a little used
But baby, I work fine
You might call me damaged goods
But I'm one of a kind

My hair's a wreck
No, I'm not perfect, but I'm not the only one

This is what you get
This is who I am
Take me now or leave me, anyway you can
Sometimes I slip and fall
But I know where I stand
So if you're thinking about changing my direction
Don't mess with imperfection

Well, now, that was nice.

CinnamonGirl — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 13:25:33 GMT

After I handed my ID card to the computer lab guy, he said, "You're the first person that's walked in here smiling. Thank you."

College football, baby!

CinnamonGirl — Sat, 05 Sep 2009 17:45:40 GMT

Another reason I love fall :)

Watching the OSU-Navy game with my mom... it's halftime, and the Bucks are up 20-7. Awesome.

One thing that's kinda cool: Duron Carter, Cris Carter's son, is a freshman at Ohio State this year...and the wide receiver. I remember going to high school games when I was a (little) kid and seeing Cris Carter play...and now I'm watching Duron play. Damn. I'm old.

....halftime is too long. I'm ready to get back to the game.

Plans for the day: nap after the game, definitely. I'm a tired girl. Then it's up to Dayton to celebrate ZombieSquirrel's birthday. Her ACTUAL birthday was yesterday, but we Ohio girls like to celebrate all week. I'm sure shots will be involved. And margaritas. Sweet.

Third quarter kickoff...back to the game. O-H!

The latest xkcd

CinnamonGirl — Fri, 04 Sep 2009 07:25:09 GMT

This is particularly funny if you've been paying attention for the past few months...

Note to self:

CinnamonGirl — Sun, 30 Aug 2009 09:21:34 GMT

Stay off the interwebs when drunk. While you're at it, stay off the phone, too.

My problem is, when I drink, I want to talk. A lot. I'm generally quiet, unless I'm around very good friends...until I get some alcohol. Then, I want to discuss everything in the WORLD, with complete strangers, or anyone who will listen. If I don't have that option, I turn to posting and texting, which isn't always a good thing. More often than not, I end up regretting it, and it's not something I can just erase, because...hello! Written proof, right in front of my face. And everyone else's, for that matter.

...I need to go to bed.

Drunk...does it matter?

CinnamonGirl — Sat, 29 Aug 2009 08:34:32 GMT

...and everyone else is either ALSO drunk, or asleep.

Sometimes, I have to wonder...what's the fucking point? I mean, really. I'm one of the most positive people I know... I overlook so many things, because I'm looking for what's good.

But, really...does it matter? Is that moment of happiness worth a lifetime of regret?

Here's the thing...yes. It totally is. But there are going to be rivaling moments of doubt, and sadness, and anger, and disappointment. But we keep going...we keep trying....because that moment of happiness, of trust, of BELONGING....it happens. And in the end, it's worth it. Every time.

Feelin' fantastic

CinnamonGirl — Sat, 22 Aug 2009 05:54:44 GMT

Car is back. I owe Mom lots of money, though. Phone is back on... yay.

I went dress shopping today, and found an absolutely fabulous one (with a little help... :) ) I also really, really want to go school shopping. That was always one of my favorite parts of fall (or rather, the end of summer). New clothes, new notebooks, new pens, new folders...

Work was okay...I definitely didn't make typical Friday night money, but with one exception, all my tables were cool.

Tomorrow is going to be lots of fun...and busy. Volleyball tournament in the morning, 9:45. Yeek. We don't have an actual schedule for the matches yet, though, so there could be a lot of sitting-around-time. I'm hoping the girls who only play because their boyfriends play...don't show up. We may actually have a chance then. (I'm terrible, I know. But I'm also really competitive and don't wanna deal with girly girls.)

I can only stay until one-ish, then it's back home to shower & get all dolled up. Drivin' up to Yellow Springs to meet up with my best friend ('cause I got my car back! Woo!) then we're heading up to Cbus for a wedding. I'll get to see some very good friends of mine that I haven't seen in quite some time... since May for some, even longer for others. There will be drinking and dancing and hijinks and shenanigans. I can't WAIT.

Another reason I'm feeling so great (this will take a minute to get to the greatness, though, bear with me) : I've been thinking about my past relationships. The last major one, in particular. It occured to me that for the last year or so, I was blaming myself for the fact that he didn't think I was pretty enough, or thin enough, or smart enough...or good enough. I pushed myself so much for him... worked out constantly. Ate very little. Started wearing makeup, when I hadn't really worn it for 27 years. Took more science-related courses. Ignored so many things, because I wanted to be "the perfect girlfriend."

Now, granted...those are MOSTLY good things (I know, the eating habits and ignoring things were badbadbad.) But the reason I was doing them...well. Not so good.

Okay, to FINALLY get to the "great" part: I realized (finally), I can't blame myself for what HE thought about me. I know the kind of girl he goes for physically, and I'm not it. I never was. I never will be. Truth is, going by that, we never should've been together in the first place.

I still have issues. I know this. Anytime anyone tells me I'm pretty, I shy away immediately; I automatically distrust it, without even conciously thinking about it. But. I'm getting better. I'm starting to heal. And THAT is the great part.

So. Yeah. I'm feelin' pretty good right now.

My car is broken, and I am broke

CinnamonGirl — Thu, 13 Aug 2009 19:36:27 GMT

You know that reply I made over in "Love or Money?" Disregard everything I said. I am completely broke, and selling out is looking like a delightful option at this point.

...okay, not really. Still, I feel like the grasshopper. I've played all summer, and neglected to really put any money back, and now that I actually need it, I'm screwed.

Sigh. This sucks. I'll probably be without my phone and without my car for a significant amount of time. Considering these are two of my favorite things (well, independence and freedom and keeping in touch with friends are my favorites...but I digress), I may go a little stir-crazy.

I'll get through this, though. I'll figure something out, and manage to land on my feet again. I always seem to.

Another Quote

CinnamonGirl — Wed, 12 Aug 2009 06:27:04 GMT

Someday, I'll do a real entry. That day is not today, however.

"Sometimes, when I'm sitting in class...y'know, I'm not thinking about class, 'cause that would never happen. I think about kissing you. And it's like everything stops. It's like...it's like...freeze-frame. Willow kissage."