My brother died eight years ago today. On the one hand, it doesn't seem like eight years... my memories are much too sharp. On the other hand, sometimes I can feel every second of those eight years, and I want to bargain with someone: "we've suffered this long without him. Can we have him back now, please?"


I had just gotten married and moved to Georgia about a month before getting the call. On the drive up to Ohio, I kept thinking to myself, hoping against hope, that this was just some stupid ploy to get me to come visit-- he was really fine. I promised myself, and to some extent, God (I was still religious at the time), that if that were the case, I wouldn't be mad. I wouldn't admonish, or lecture, or do anything except be grateful that it wasn't true.

When we pulled into the driveway, though, and I saw everyone's cars, and a prayer circle on our front porch, it really hit me. I started crying, and I didn't want to get out of the car....

I finally got my stuff back on Wednesday. One of the things that made me happiest, besides the fact that I don't have to talk to him anymore, is the fact that my entire Whedon collection is now all on one shelf-- all seasons of Buffy, Angel, and Firefly, plus Serenity and Dr. Horrible.

Yeah. I'm a geek.


Also on the "ex" front: my divorce hearing was today. Ex-husband didn't show up, but then, we kind of expected that, so my mom stood in as a witness that we'd been separated for more than a year, no kids, etc. It was done in about four minutes. I am now officially divorced, and can legally change my name back. Woohoo!



What else has been going on? Started playing in a sand volleyball league with some friends. We lost our first match, but had SO much fun. The nets are men's regulation height, so I can't block the way I used to, but I still have my serve. I dove around a lot and got completely covered in sand,...

Foolish heart, hear me calling
Stop before you start falling
Foolish heart, heed my warning
You've been wrong before
Don't be wrong anymore...




This has the potential to be epic. I'm trying to hold back. I know it's too soon. But should you pass up something wonderful because it's "too soon"?


I almost forgot how incredible first kisses are... that rush you get when you know you're going to see each other... how it feels when you let romance come first, before the sex...


I may be setting myself up for a fall here. I know that. But at the moment, I'm flying too high to care.

Amazingly well. Fantastically well.




Maybe too well...

I seem to have fallen into a pattern: stay up for two days, sleep for two days. Lather, rinse, repeat.

The idea was to go to bed early tonight. Had a few beers, watched some Firefly. Then I decided to get online, and some friends were on. Since I don't see said friends very often, we chatted for a while. Had a couple more beers, started listening to music. Danced around the living room for a bit. And, all of the sudden, it's four in the morning again.


I have a date tonight, sort of, which I think I mentioned in the last entry. I'm more nervous about it than I should be, which bugs me. It's just drinks, after all. Part of it is this whole lack of sleep thing... I don't want to show up with dark circles under my eyes, looking like a heroin addict.

Another part, let's be honest... I'm worried that it will go well. We flirted shamelessly in lab, and have this great rapport going. I don't really trust my judgement right now, and even...