There really is just too much going on at this point in time. I've got too many balls to juggle and I'm not really into juggling them.

I'm doing what I need to, but I'm not really spending time where I'd like to, one of which is here, and the other is with friends.

While I'm able to take time out from time to time, I just don't feel like it.

I'm quite overwhelmed by it all, but I'm trying to digest it as best as I can.

I was rather lucky as a junior in high school that I had a class that covered this very same kind of material. It was one of my favorite classes and really put me on the path of critical thinking.

...

Yes, I am.

I did what I was supposed to do today. I went to work, I talked with a friend. I planned on going to a meeting.

Yet somehow, the obsession was there. I planned and plotted. I connived and conspired.

After work I went to a meeting. I listened to a man read pages 10-14 of the Big Book and how Bill W. got sober. I listened to people with just a handful of days talk about their struggles of staying sober under 30 days. And here I was retreating into myself, not talking or sharing with anyone. The meeting ended, and I spoke to no one. By the time I was ready to talk, the room was empty.

It was too late anyways. My mind was already made up. I was by hook or crook going to get wasted. Today was a good day to get wasted.

My mind is ready. I'm exhausted and tired. I'm blown out and drawn out. I just can't deal anymore. I want mental respite that only comes from the desolate dark silence of being wasted.

I was on a train....

I made it home last night, safe and sound. It was a bit sketchy for me all day. Walking home was temptation to the left and right, especially in my brain.

I made a call and talked to someone until I got myself into a room with other people. I sat and listened, found an old friend who is 9 years sober today.