Ok well I have sorted a few things out in regards to my life - very pleasant change in regards to my peace of mind I have to tell you.

1) got myself a new job working in an adult store

Actually the new job is alot of fun and the reason I suddenly have so much information regarding questions in the Sexuality forum, It's amazing what you can learn. The new boss adores me since my sales have thus far been very good. I'm working with my SO there actually it's kindof nice, and he's adorable with the way that he never realises he's being hit on - though according to him neither do I.

I know that this will sound insane but I almost miss stripping. Gods how crazy does that sound I hated it when I first started. Those first few weeks it was impossible not to take it personally that some guys prefer a 5ft nothing blonde more then me - not that I held it against them exactly but it was hard not to feel unattractive. Then suddenly I had regulars, people...

So last time I wrote about the changes in my life I was lost, looking for direction, not sure what I wanted to do with my life.

In some ways I'm still not sure, I waned to do the dental technician thing but well that's a little too much like what I have been doing for the past 5 years.
I have been working in the health industry for as long as I can remember (my first job was in a nursing home) and I kindof want to break away from that entirely. One option gone.

I've done some looking around and there's still alot of options, I don't think I would work out in the police force - mainly because I can't imagine myself shooting or restraining someone without getting the guilts afterwards. So that's two options down.

The public sector is beginning to look better though. Providing we don't go through a repression I would have good job security for as long as I wanted to work there, regular hours would make it possible to try to complete a course...

Obviously I am feeling much better this post then I was during the last one - which kinda derailed 1/2 way through. Sorry about that.

Something new has been bothering me - actually been thinking about posting on it in either Life or Sexuality - not sure which one though.

My thoughts lately have centred around that mythical one or two or three people that are right for you, the people that you will love for as long as you live. Those special few who when you're with them you just feel right, as though you've been on a long trip abroad and come home, that first moment you lie on YOUR bed or walk into YOUR kitchen / living room and you just think "this, this right here is where I am meant to be".

I think I've found someone that makes me feel that way (no I am not cheating I am referring to my SO). We've started recently talking about the future, where we both want to be in a year, 5 years, 10 years or more. We seem to end up at the same...

ATM I want to scream - to just scream and scream and scream until my throat is raw and I have screamed out all the pain inside me - til it just stops hurting.

A few years ago when I was in this kinda mood it was so easy to get rid of - a sharp piece of glass, a razor, a needle anything to take this pain inside me and turn it into something I can deal with - any kindof sensation that would take away this hollow feeling inside of me. It's been so long since I did that and I am trying so hard not to turn to that right now because it scares me. Because I know that my way of dealing with it isn't healthy and I know of all the cutters out there it's the older ones who don't do it for the attention that are likely to go too far and cause themselves real injury.

I'm scared and angry about being scared.

Strange that all of this started from talking with my Mother isn't it? That I finally come around to telling her that I think I have depression and that...

I've come to the conclusion that I am jinxed - everything seems to be going wrong lately.

Then again I'm probably over reacting because of my evening last night.

See last night I went to a large pre halloween party. Hundreds of people there fantastic costumes, free wine and beer and cheap spirits. Sounds great right? Well most of the evening was - infact the first 5 hours was fantastic.

Then about midnight I'm dancing near a maybe knee high stage, one of my friends (I was there with 2 male friends) had gone off to the toilets and the other one had disappeared (found out later he was off getting a BJ from one of the guys he met there) suddenly a guy in a Freddy Krueger outfit grabs the strap of my bag on my shoulder and pushes me - I fall over the stage and the guy disappears. Lighting was terrible (black lighting in that section - on a side note my teeth are white enough to glow in Uv lighting) so I think people thought I had tripped or had...