well, in 12 hrs i´ll be in the netherlands. will probably be really quiet here. hopefully there will be no hitches but there are clouds on the horizon and i can´t tell what the´ll bring yet. wish me 3 weeks of luck :s

i just need to get this off my chest. all my friends are in different timezones so i´m on my own right when everything seems to be going wrong.

well, i sent my now ex-friend an email telling her what happened on the trip and that i don´t want to have anything to do with her again. she wasted no time sending me back an message on facebook that ripped through my personality. incredibly, the accusation of wanting to sleep with her was there. so yeah i just lost one of my closest friends and i know the damage is irreparable.

within the same 15 minute timeframe i get a random message from francine that she´s now in a relationship. she finally decided it was going to happen between her and her best friend. i think i had secretly hoped for the impossible but now i can see that it has only been tearing me to shreds. i guess at least that´s closure on that one. then i get to spend 3 weeks in the netherlands in a month. i should still go but perhaps spend very little...

"look james, u made me feel like shit the week we travelled 2gether. ur gonna hafta work harder 2 make me care. don´t need ur ´tude when got plenty of gr8 friends"

this was a completely unexpected reply from a simple "i´m thinking about moving to the mainland" message to a person who i´ve considered one of my closest friends now for nearly 10 years. we travelled together back in may and there has been nothing like this mentioned up to now. no warnings nothing on the trip itself or afterwards. we´ve even spoken afterwards and again no mention but 2 nights ago i get that as a random reply to a message. normally i have a clue as to what i may have done even if i say i have no idea but this time i really can´t see anything within that week that would have caused anything, let alone words which i consider so strong. mind you this person is usually in front of the computer all the time and now hasn´t for a couple of days. i´ve sent a message on facebook but...

well, i went to the netherlands a few days ago, hence being totally absent once again. this trip was on the back of a trip to slovenia to visit family and also spending a night in milano with some former guests i had in rvk. it was an absolute blast and i had a great time. right upto when i reached the netherlands. from that point onwards it felt like a total disaster. and i think it was my fault. i had been warned that she was stressed at work and when i arrived she was a bit sick. she still did her best while i was there but i found her to be quite cold towards me (in hindsight very understandably since she had warned me about work and she was sick) and i sort of imploded a bit and started to get a bit depressed. by 1/2 way through the day i was there all i wanted to do was leave. well, i did and came home feeling really flat. to make things worse for me she messaged and apologised for being such a bad host. she feels she neglected me while i was there and i suspect she thinks that caused...