Over 1400 miles in a week's time. I am exhausted. But I did it. and the kids were great. Gotta love portable DVD players and Nintendo DS. I came back with mixed emotions and I feel like crying. I felt so alone while driving, even with the kids in the back seat. Work is going to be insane this week and I don't want to go back. My sister's house is beautiful, even with 3 kids. and my sister-in-law's house is even nicer, but she has money. Then I come back to this place. All crammed in, disorganized, crazy cat running all over. My daughter is freakin out about school starting Wednesday. and I found out that a co-worker passed away yesterday. She had been sick for at least 3 months, maybe more. I don't want to go to work.

I am so excited and also a little nervous. But I switched weekends with my ex so I can go to Atlantic City with some co-workers. The price was perfect. $35 for the bus and I get $30 to play the slots!! woo hoo!! We will be in AC for 6 hours before heading back home. I'd love to go for longer, but this is a good start. My friend has never gambled, so I need to start her slow. Who knows, maybe she will really like it and we can go back another time on our own.

As stressed and upset as I was over the weekend, I am starting to feel a bit freer. It is a good, although a bit scary, feeling. And work is starting to come together too. I am understanding more of what I am doing, and feeling confident when answering questions. My new boss is very supportive and wants to make sure I feel comfortable enough to take vacation when I need to (which just happens to be next week )

It is such a roller coaster ride, this thing they call life. And I hate roller coasters....

but I can't. I am at work.


I talked to his mom today. I asked a question that I probably should not have. Certain things cannot be talked about with her anymore, it hurts me too much. I asked her if she felt awkward having the 'other woman' staying in her house. She said at first she did, but the girl is really nice. Great, not what I wanted to hear. Then she went on to say how she is really trying to include my kids in their plans. Apparently, she will be moving here and she said the house needs to have bedrooms for my kids to be able to at least share with her kids. I am not happy about this, not one bit. Do you know how much it hurts to see him moving on, to see him do things with her that he never did with me? Own/rent a house with her? I hope he doesn't do things there like he didn't do them at our house. I hope she realizes what she is getting. Or maybe he was that way just with me because he didn't want to be with me, and that thought hurts even worse....

Ever since I replied to the thread about knowing passwords and snooping, the guilt that I felt when I did it is all flooding back. It makes me feel that I have to explain why I did what I did, even though it was wrong. It makes me feel like a bad person that no one will ever want. The way he behaved when on the computer led to feelings of suspicion, he made me not trust him. I had tried to confront him several times about it and he would brush me off, saying he'd change. We all know he didn't. The time I snooped was years before he actually left me. I had stopped snooping when I thought things were getting better and hadn't done it since. Boy! Did he have me fooled! He ended up leaving me for someone he met online, so obviously my suspicions were proven true. He proved to me that he is untrustworthy, with or without my snooping. All the snooping accomplished was more stress for me, more doubts, especially since I was unable to tell him what I knew and how I knew it. I learned...

...