that is what I feel like I am on today. You will have to forgive my typing and my language in this entry, the emotions I am dealing with today are extreme. It all started with an email from him asking me about the apartment, did I have anything new about it? No, I haven't even listed it yet. I mentioned how much work it was to get it ready, to which he replied that he had offered to help. I told him it was hard to ask for help from someone who didn't help while he lived there. This lead into many emails back and forth about us, what happened, and where do we go from here. He is clearly a confused man. He kept saying that he did things with her that he cannot take back. No she is not pregnant, I asked. It was all financial things. He bought her a cellphone (which I knew about), helped her get a credit card and fucking car. To top it all off, he bought a fucking engagement ring. He only met her in January! Basically, she is a whore and he paid her for sex with things instead of money....

I don't understand why he gave up without a fight.

I don't understand when the downhill slide began.

I don't understand why he doesn't call the children.

I don't understand why he asked me if I had plans when he had the children that weekend.

I don't understand why he even married me in the first place.

I don't understand why it bothers me so much that he now has a Facebook account.

I don't understand why I can't get this apartment ready faster.

I don't understand how one day I can feel great and on top of the world and the next day I feel like crap.

I don't understand how he can say he has a communication problem, but yet he can talk/text her all day long.

I don't understand how the children appear to be doing so well, but everyone says they can't be.

I don't understand how I can be handling this so well.

I don't understand...

I received the following article from a local paper in an email the other day (a month ago, actually) and it has been weighing on my mind ever since. Could my lack of sexual desire have been caused by all of the caffeine I consume? Would things have been different with my marriage if I didn't drink so much coffee and soda? I didn't think I drank alot, but maybe what I did (and still do) drink was too much? I highlighted the pieces of this article that caught my attention. I would have posted this in the forum, but I don't have much to say about it. Just wondering if it is true. I need to figure out how much caffeine I am drinking.

Kick the caffeine habit and kick up your energy level
NATURALLY SAVVY.COM | By Caroline MacDougall
8:42 AM EDT, June 12, 2009
Caffeine boosts our energy levels, but it also induces a state of stress.

It's the common complaint you hear uttered by friends, family and co-workers throughout the day: "I...

Emails back and forth yesterday afternoon:
Him: Any plans for tonight?
Me: just the usual stuff. why?
Him: I might stop by if that's ok?
Me: Is there a particular reason why you want to come today? just curious.
Him: Yes I need to talk to u & no I'm not moving out of state.
Me: I guess this is something you can talk to me about with the kids there?
Him: Not sure. Maybe I should wait for another time.
Me: Up to you. You obviously have something important to tell me. We could try to go to another room, if you don't want to talk in front of them. Or you could call me on your break. Whatever you want to do.
Him: I have lots to say & scared to do it.

at this point, I was convinced he was going to tell me about the other woman.

Me: Nothing to be scared of anymore. Whatever way you want to do it. I am here.


Now you have to be sitting down for this reply:
Him:...

I want to cry, I want to puke, I want to hurt someone.

Not only did he buy her diamonds, but now he is looking at jobs in her state. And he keeps lying to me about it. He told me he was not moving. It sure does seem like he is. He still says he does not know, he is just looking. I told him to stop using my phone and address as his contact information. Apparently it is on his resume and he does not know how to fix it. He asked me to fix it. I know I can't stop him from doing it. And actually, I could care less if he goes, for me. What concerns me the most is the children. We had agreed he would see them every other weekend. That will NOT happen if he moves to another state. This is going to hurt them so much. I will not be responsible for the costs of getting them to wherever he is, they will be way too scared to fly alone. This is going to get messy. He is an ass. His whole family is in complete shock and are trying so hard to get a chance to talk to me alone. ...