but I can't tell him that, especially in front of the kids. How can he ask me that in front of them? How can I be ok? I feel like I can cry at any given moment, but am forced to stay strong while the kids are awake. We go to sign the legal separation papers tomorrow, he went to visit her in Ohio and bought her something from a diamond store that cost almost 2 months mortgage, and now he has asked for a copy of his resume. He says he is not moving out of state, but I can't help feeling that he is. The kids will be devastated if he does that. We had agreed to him seeing them every other weekend. He won't be able to do that if he moves to Ohio. Ok, so maybe I am jumping the gun, maybe I am reading things into this that really aren't there. I am just so scared that we went about this the wrong way. I am going to contact a lawyer next week, she is a friend of a friend. I am going to ask her about the house and a will, etc. I am not worried about the separation agreement per se, but everything...

even if just for the sake of my children, I am trying really hard to remain strong. He left this weekend and it hurts so bad. It hurts to see the kids cry, to hear them ask where he is and then realize he left, to see it effect every aspect of their life. Then he comes over to help move my daughter's furniture back upstairs and I let him see me cry. He holds me, and I let him. Then he left. I held my children so tight after that. I was not prepared for the flood of emotions involved with this, but who ever is? His family is showing us so much love and support, it makes me cry all over again. They think it is a mid-life crisis. I don't. He has been unhappy with me for so long. Then I start thinking of the damn what-if's. Trying to force myself to take one day at a time is not easy when I am used to planning ahead. But I am trying. I am eating. I am sleeping and I am able to get most of my work done. The house is shambles as we move things around to get the apartment ready to rent, but...

This weekend was not an easy one, but it had to be done. I went to We the People and started the process for the legal separation. Basically, we are filing it ourselves, with their help. They create the legal documents and they send it on to the courts. I filled out the worksheets this weekend. My heart is heavy and it hurts. He thinks it does not matter now if he stays until the school year is up, but I fear what this will do to my daughter's grades. She worked so hard to have straight A's. But on the other hand, it is very awkward with him still being at the house. We ended up going to the supermarket all together. Not a good idea. No more of that. No more pretending to be something we are not. No more hoping that things will miraculously change for the better. I have to let go of that ounce of hope, but I can't seem to shake it. He keeps telling me he loves me and he's sorry. Sorry? I don't think he understands the meaning of that word. or love for that matter. I am getting the...

Don't Speak - by No Doubt

You and me we used to be together
Every day together, always

I really feel that I'm losing my best friend
I can't believe this could be the end

It looks as though you're letting go
And if it's real, well I don't want to know

Don't speak
I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me 'cause it hurts
Don't speak
I know what you're thinking
I don't need your reasons
Don't tell me 'cause it hurts

Our memories they can be inviting
But some are altogether mighty frightening

As we die, both you and I
With my head in my hands I sit and cry

Don't speak
I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me 'cause it hurts, no no no
Don't speak
I know what you're thinking
And I don't need your reasons...

whatever it may have in store for me and the kids. I am doing my best to stay strong for the kids, but there are times when I just can't. So far I have been pretty lucky and it has not been in front of them too many times, maybe once or twice. And that's ok, they need to see that I am only human and see how I deal with the pain. There is definitely a lot of pain. After the meeting with the divorce mediator, he asked me if *I* was sure I wanted to go through with this. What choice do I have when he won't go for marriage counseling and keeps saying that even if we tried, it would just go back to the way it was, which was bad. He has no confidence that we can fix it, and it seems no desire to even try. Twice this week, he left at 10:30pm to make a phone call. I know who he was calling, he knows I know who he was calling. How can I even think of not going through this when he does stuff like that?


So in preparation of the inevitable, I have started planning. I have called...