and it really sucks. It leaves me too much time to think.

If I know that it's over, why does it still bother me that he is speaking/texting her? Why do I keep checking? Does it really matter now? I know the answers, but that does not make it go away.

Ok, going to try to think of other things now...

Today at 2pm is the Regatta at work. It will be a nice distraction. We have a small pond on campus and every year they have this race. Teams have to make their own boat using things like cardboard, duct tape, etc. My office has not participated in 20 years. We are participating this year. It should be fun (and funny) to watch. I wouldn't want to be the one in the boat. That pond is gross, especially after all the rain we had. I bet the water is freezing!

My boss bought me a digital picture frame for my birthday. It is so cool. You don't have to load pics directly on to it. It uses a memory card, which I happen to have an extra...

and we have an appointment with the divorce mediator next Tuesday. I don't think he was expecting it to be so soon. He just told me he was scared. I think that is the first time he ever expressed that to me. But we cannot go on living this way. I know that, he knows that. This is going to be hard, but I think we will both come out the other side of the tunnel just fine.

How can he say he still loves me, but yet think it's best to leave? That he will never be happy here? I don't understand and I hurt. He bought her a fucking cell phone, with our money. Kicker is, she refuses to talk to him now. Or so he says. I am going to tell his mother today, if she calls me back. She needs to know, I need to talk to her. She is my friend. She will be torn. He says he will move in with her for awhile, I wonder if she will take him in. I have heard her say he is her love child, he can do no wrong. But she also knows that he hardly contributed to the care of the children and the house. I am hurting. Bad. I told the children. My daughter cried. We cried. Together. I held my son, he didn't cry. But said he didn't want daddy to move out. I cried some more. Monday I will call the divorce mediator.

Good because he spent more time with the kids, with us as a family. We talked last night about finances, if he does leave me. I suddenly felt so alone, and confused. On the one hand, he was trying this weekend. I made sure he knew that I noticed. But, if we weren't at the point that we are at now, would he have done all of this? I doubt it. It took the floor falling from beneath us for him to step up and be a father. So now that he showed he can be there for us emotionally, do I have to immediately give him the physical attention he requires? For him, it is all physical. What if I can't give him what he needs? And if I try now, today, it feels fake and forced. If I don't give him what he wants, he will think that all his trying was in vain and a big waste of time. I have no clue what to do. Maybe it is too late for this to be fixed. When we were talking about finances, he made it seem that as soon as he left, I'd be footing most of the bills, he'd pay for his car insurance, his...

since you all have been so supportive, I want to keep you informed as to what has been going on. Instead of retyping it here, I will leave you all a link to my blogspot blog. I truly appreciate all of your comments on my last few entries. This has been an insanely crazy week, filled with every emotion imaginable.

My Blog