he won't go to counseling. He thinks our problems are not fixable, that we are incompatible and nothing can change that. I asked him just to try, and he won't. He is going to go live with his mom, after the school year is over. I can't type anymore. How am I going to work today?

I ended up emailing him first. I didn't know how to start the conversation, and this email clearly helped open the lines of communication. This is what I wrote(after editing it a million times)

"You keep asking me if I am ok. I am not. I am confused and I am scared. And I am just going to let it all out here. We have what appears to be a good marriage, at least today it seems that way. You are helping more around the house, which I appreciate, and helping with the kids at dinner time and in the morning is a tremendous help. I like that you ask if I need your help now. However, most of the time on the weekends, I feel like I am forcing you to play with E. He so desperately wants to spend time with you – but is afraid to ask you himself, so he has me ask. It is very hard to help him when he feels hurt and then he acts out when he finally gets to play with you and you get mad. Sometimes it seems as if you don’t want to be bothered with him, what is so important on the...

I have been trying to make it a habit to walk for 30 minutes every day at lunch time (I have calculated that I can walk about 1.25 miles during that time) and it feels great. Yesterday, I didn't walk. I can't say I was unable, because I was, I just didn't. I have a list of excuses that won't stand up on their own. Regardless, I didn't walk. and I should have. By the end of the day, depression, self-doubt and paranoia about my marriage had crept in. I wasn't sure what caused it until today, just now in fact. Those feelings were lingering this morning, until lunch time, when I walked. I walked and talked with a friend and now I feel fine. We weren't even venting, just chatting about different things, like the best pizza places around and Twilight. So I realized that maybe my bad feelings from yesterday were from a lack of exercise, lack of getting off my ass and doing something. From now on, I am walking. No doubt about it. This weekend I will go get myself an early birthday present...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Victor Frankl

It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change. ~Author unknown, commonly misattributed to Charles Darwin

God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me. ~Author Unknown

Ok, so maybe a countdown to when my boss retires was not a good idea to have on my sidebar on work computer desktop. I am starting to panic every time I see it.

How come everyone has so much confidence in me and I don't? What do these people see in me that makes them think I will be able to do this job once my boss has retired? There is way too much to learn and the days are running out. There are 6 different unions and their contracts with raises, performance advances, etc. etc. There is student payroll, the NRA scholarships, nurses... they each have different schedules, different programs to run, different rules. My boss says she does not have a crystal ball, that she knows when something is coming up because it is on her calendar. I need her calendar imported into mine. I mean really NEED it. I have asked the DoIT department if they can help me with this. I am just very overwhelmed and not too sure that I can do this alone. Because I will be alone. No one else...