Stolen Moments.... Particularly Those Upon My Bicycle

An "Uglified" Bike, meant to turn off potential thieves, in reality is a Puegot.

My main bicycle was stolen, piece by piece last week. Monday was the seat. And the tire pump. The tire pump was broken, so I never worried about securing it. The seat was one of those with the adjustable lever instead of bolts.

This bike was the cheapest Target had to offer 6 years ago. Plus, the gears are out of alignment, both tires have slow leaks, the back breaks don't work, and it still had the original Christmas tag hanging on the tube. I figured, who would steal this? The best I can tell is that the idiots took the seat, thinking a pawnshop would pay high dollars for this fancy seat from this flashy metaflake green bike. When told it was worth less than a handful of dick, they came back to complete the job. I had the lowest level security lock on it. Plus I tended to leave it overnights at the Metro station.

I was too cheap to buy a new seat and post, and found one for free. On my way back to the Metro, I wondered if maybe the whole thing would be gone. It was.

This is how I found out about uglifying bikes. The lads who stole mine were probably turned on by the flashy paint and many stickers advertising caliper brakes and 15 whole speeds (of which about 4 worked). They probably thought they had a high dollar item.

I had seen people with bikes decorated very similar to the one above. The most common technique seems to be wrapping flat tubes around the frame top. I had wanted to ask one aowner about that, now I know. There is no plausible reason to do this. But bike thieves, being the sort to want $50-$100 real quick and not being bright enough to participate in some long term "Ocean's 11" type scheme, don't understand this.

All was not lost for my cross town transportation needs. I had another bicycle at an undisclosed location (our old apartment complex) under lock and key (under lock actually, can't find the key). I had found this particular bike a few years ago in the large item bin to be carted away to the dump. When we moved, we couldn't find the key. So I left it there, chained to a stairwell.

I was working yesterday morning and had nothing better to do, so I looked up how to pick a master lock on the internets. I made the little fake key out of a coke can, but when I got to my bike, it was a tiny lock and impossible to work with. Then I realized that when I chained it to the post those years ago, I stupidly wrapped the cable around the front fork and nothing else. So I fairly easily pulled the cable around the fork and front tire, and it was free.

And had flat tires, rust galore, and much dust.

So I walked it back home, about three miles away, while various urban entrepreneurs eyed it and calculated the possible reward of a smash and grab (smash me, grab the bike). But this bike was already uglified, complete with missing swaths of paint where I removed "Smoking Loon Winery" stickers.

I get it home and go to work on it with tools, an air pump, and WD 40. The chain looked hopeless, but cleaned up incredibly well. the gears and sprockets were caked with black gunk but looked decent after cleaning. I discovered why I thought this bike was an old, heavy POS. The brakes were subtly slowing tire movement. I had never looked at this when I pulled it out of the trash. I just rode it, noted that it was extremely sluggish, and locked it away.

So all clean, wheels (which I noticed also bounced back to life like the chain), frame, seat, gears, and brakes adjusted. I took it for a short test, and it was like riding a cloud with pedals.

While I was cleaning it, I noticed the name "Vuelta" on all the gear, wheels, and saddle. So I looked it up. Turns out this bin bicycle has top of the line components. I searched online to find ways to pretty it up, like graphics to cover the paint spots, then I stumbled on the whole uglified bike movement, which explains all those ugly bikes at the station.

So, my ride stays unpimped, like a Dodge Dart with a 318 engine.

However, I will have to be careful not to let it stay locked up at the Metro overnight. DC bureaucrats being what they are, do what they do.