http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/push-pull/ en Sun, 22 Nov 2009 12:21:36 GMT vBulletin 60 http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/images/insignia/misc/rss.jpg http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/push-pull/ http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/push-pull/2884-no-good-deed.html Thu, 18 Jun 2009 16:02:03 GMT Well, after getting our house "guests" out of our hair, the true feelings come out.
Seems as though my wife was told that I was a lazy bastard for not asking them if they needed help moving. There's a lot more to it than that, but the sticky point was that I was scum for not offering to help. Kind of not sure how to take that considering I was the only one working in a house of 4 adults AND I was working midnight shift and often was up for 24 hours at a time. They've got it in their head that they did more for us while they were living here RENT/UTILITY FREE then we did for them.

Well, all I can say is good riddance. Don't need ya anyway. Oh, and if you don't get the rest of your shit out of our garage by tomorrow, you can find it at the end of the driveway. Good luck. ]]> Push-Pull http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/push-pull/2884-no-good-deed.html http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/push-pull/2862-ex-house-guests-cast-iron-skillets-thinking-im-losing.html Tue, 16 Jun 2009 18:17:17 GMT Finally, FINALLY, the wife and I "lost" our house "guests". Just shy of 7 months, and we now have the place to ourselves. It was getting stupid. Both parents aren't able to work, one has heart troubles and the other back. The 14 yo daughter was becoming a bit too much of an adult and overstepping her bounds and being mouthy. And all of them seemed to lose track of who's house it was and their role in it. Food is a good example. I like certain things, and when I purchase them, I expect them to be MINE. They didn't respect that. So much in fact, that when they left (and no one was watching them...) they actually took a whole package of something I had just bought to get me through a week's worth of breakfasts. And the hassle of just having them here....One night I went to get my dinner (one of the few times they cooked it) and he was in the kitchen. Well, I grab a plate, and start towards the stove top, when he steps in front of me to grab something I was tired and not in the mood, so I simply put down the plate and left the kitchen. He asks "what's the matter?" I told him nothing and that I would wait for him to finish up. A couple minutes later, he tells me that he's done, so I go back in, only to have him cut me off at the refrigerator. I nearly lost it at this point, but I backed up, let the plate down hard enough to serve as a warning, and walked out again. He's like "OK, OK, I'm done." I told him until he was sitting on the sofa where I USED TO SIT BEFORE THEY MOVED IN, (he had taken the spot over) that he wasn't "done". I waited another 5 minutes for him to finally sit down. I had to heat up my food in the microwave. After that, if I was in the kitchen, I made it perfectly clear that NO ONE else was to come in until I was done.
Safe to say, these people, despite being family, were getting on our last raw nerve. Thank God they're gone. I really do hope that we don't have to visit with them socially for at least a few months, I don't think I could be civil in light of everything. It's amazing how much these people took (conceptually) from my wife and I.

Good thing....I think I have my new cast iron skillet seasoned enough. Been using it as much as possible for the past couple days, and only washing in hot water, and then Crisco and a hot oven for half an hour. Did my first skillet 'cakes for breakfast this morning, and OMFG was it wonderful! First time the eggs didn't stick either. I will not regret that purchase, in fact thinking about getting a couple other sizes. Already thinking about skillet cornbread.

And a not so good thing....I really do wonder if I'm losing it. I don't "feel" stable anymore. I used to be full of confidence and pride, and now on not so good days, I just feel depressed and low. I mean, I still feel OK, but I second guess myself, and just feel like I'm not as good as I need to be (vs not as good as I could be, which alarms me a touch.) I kinda obsess over what others may be thinking about me, but not what I feel is harmful, but I didn't do it in the same way I do now. I feel it's hurting me in that I'm wasting time worrying instead of dealing and improving. It's a million little things all mixed in with a couple big ones, and I'm not sure of the order and direction necessary to put it into perspective. It's like I've got a gear with a missing tooth, and on occasion it skips and puts me off for a couple revolutions. I do have my good days where I can tell myself that "Hey, that went really well, I'm not doing so bad." And that really boosts me, keeps me up. But when something doesn't go quite right, it can really put me in a funk. I'm not forgoing my interests or hobbies, except that the midnight shift keeps me from them, so I know that I may not be too bad off, but I still wonder just how messed up I am. So yeah, I'm probably going to look into a counselor and see about getting that broken tooth gear fixed. I hope I can get this straight, 'cuz I really do miss feeling "normal". ]]> Push-Pull http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/push-pull/2862-ex-house-guests-cast-iron-skillets-thinking-im-losing.html http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/push-pull/2103-why-do-i-worry-so-damn-much.html Thu, 26 Mar 2009 01:19:36 GMT Seriously, I don't know why, but I do. I mean today I learn that someone at my station was "let go" (fired) because of a bad 20 month review. Granted, I don't know what specifically this guy did, or what transpired to get this guy in this position, but it worries me. I mean, I didn't exactly get off to a roaring start, and I'm not exactly the best at any one thing at this job. I do show up on time, everyday, haven't called in sick, look clean, and make a sincere attempt to learn and perform this job. But I still have to wonder, what will happen at my 20 month review? :paranoid:

Something else that bothers me is that some of the guys gossip like teenage girls. "This guy's a shitbag, that guy is lazy, that guy is...." It's like the only person at the whole damn place that knows it all is the guy talking to you. I just keep my mouth shut and try to avoid doing stupid stuff. This only ties in because when people talk, your reputation can precede you. I don't need any more bad press.

I know that the only thing to do is to double my resolve, do the job better and better everyday, and just take it one day at a time. And relax. It's not so much about cramming everything in at once now, but rather getting a nice, easy ascent into this job. I can do that. I just have to focus and stop worrying. ]]> Push-Pull http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/push-pull/2103-why-do-i-worry-so-damn-much.html http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/push-pull/2071-i-found-my-muse.html Fri, 20 Mar 2009 15:48:09 GMT Or I should say, it found me somehow. When I owned my own business, I had all the tools and room to "tinker", and I always managed to find time to follow that passion. Lately, I haven't been able too. I have the tools, the room, and I kept what I could for raw materials for my tinkering, but time, lack of funds, and just plain old mental exhaustion kept me out of the workshop.

Until lately. For whatever reason, I've just been all kinds of inspired, and the brain has been in design overdrive for the past week. I won't say what it is that I'm aiming for, but let's just say that I've been quite inspired by the whole "steampunk" genre. Granted, I won't be dressing up in victorian clothes and top hats, but I am certainly all a-pitter about building some really cool stuff.

It's just nice to dust off the old brain cells that knows about all the different machining and woodworking stuff, and exercise it a little bit. It'll be a while, but I'll post pics of my creation when I get it done. ]]> Push-Pull http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/push-pull/2071-i-found-my-muse.html http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/push-pull/1998-dear-houseguests-its-really-simple.html Sun, 08 Mar 2009 18:43:41 GMT 1) If you drink/eat down a bottle/carton/glass/etc of *whatever* and there's only a tiny bit left, just FINISH IT OFF instead of putting it back in the fridge.

2) If you find something fuzzy/stale/inedible in a bag/tupperware/box in the fridge, THROW IT OUT.

3) If you find a trash can full of trash, close the bag and TAKE IT OUT. And put ANOTHER FUCKIN' BAG IN IT!!!

4) And, while we're on trash, for the fuckin' 10th goddam time, if the trash barrel isn't out on the street on Sunday and Wednesday evenings, TAKE IT DOWN. (Of course, because it's under YOUR window, I'll be happy to take it down when I get home at 3 a.m. as a *gentle* reminder that you forgot.)

5) If the dishwasher is FULL and HAS NOT been run, pick up the dishwashing soap, put it in the little compartment for it in the dishwasher, and hit the "RUN" button.

6) If the dishwasher is FULL and HAS been run, then kindly put all the clean dishes where they belong.

7) If you open a drawer/cupboard and find that the particular piece of silver/table/glass ware you were looking for isn't there, then please recheck #'s 5 and 6.

8) Just because OUR large screen television works does NOT mean that we want it left on when you are not in the room.

9) You can see well enough with the nightlight in the kitchen to pour a glass of whatever at o'dark thirty. Really, I've done it, and the wife's done it. You really don't need to light up the whole house.

10) If you leave a room after fulfilling your purpose in said room, TURN OFF THE LIGHTS AND ANY OTHER ELECTRIFIED OBJECTS THAT AREN'T IN USE.

I know that you are trying to get your lives back on track, but when you live here FULL TIME WITHOUT JOBS, it should stand to reason that you have waaaay more time than I do to keep the above items in check. And do NOT expect for my wife to do anymore than she did before you got here. You guys are capable, you just refuse to demonstrate it. Keep this up, and you might find all your shit strapped to the top of your car and us waving in the rear view mirror.

You have been warned. ]]> Push-Pull http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/push-pull/1998-dear-houseguests-its-really-simple.html http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/push-pull/1803-im-doing-better-i-think.html Thu, 12 Feb 2009 17:15:09 GMT Well, I managed to get through all that stuff at work. Just a matter of keeping ahead I guess. Big thing is I got out from under the guy who didn't like me so much. It's amazing how much more focused one can be when you're not under the damn microscope. I know that I need to perform well under all conditions, but it's hard sometimes to maintain that focus. But I know what I need to work on, and I'm willing to do it. Just looking forward to moving forward. ]]> Push-Pull http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/push-pull/1803-im-doing-better-i-think.html http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/push-pull/1638-sink-swim.html Tue, 20 Jan 2009 16:37:32 GMT That's what it comes down to.

I've been put on "remedials" at work.

Up to this point, I truly didn't have a good idea of what they wanted from me other than being more "assertive/aggressive." Tried doing exactly that, but still keep getting hounded. So now, through a combination of my dumb mistakes, some poor judgment, their vague instructions, and just plain bad luck, this is where I am.

What they were REALLY asking for was for me to show more initiative/drive. Show that I'm able to hack it out in the field on my own. Well Hell, why didn't you say that in the first place. Unfortunately, it took this kind of action before I was able to fully interpret what it was they wanted. And now my job is truly "on the line". I've got two weeks to impress upon them that I can manage on my own.

The shit part is, my fellow classmates won't have this particular standard to live up to. They will be moving onto the unit without ever having to have worked the stuff "on their own." In short, I'm being held to a higher standard in order to just keep from being fired.

I am uber stressed about this, with moments of clarity. But of course, being stressed out in the field is in my WORST interest. My last work day I just finally figured that I may as well have fun with it and play LEO while I still had the time to do so. And the more I think about it, the simpler it gets. I just need to ask myself every couple minutes, "What can I be doing for my job RIGHT NOW?" As long as I keep coming up to a productive answer to that question, I should be OK.

The only thing left after I get through this is the stigma of being "that guy". ]]> Push-Pull http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/push-pull/1638-sink-swim.html http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/push-pull/1597-getting-old-very-old.html Thu, 15 Jan 2009 19:17:25 GMT Having my guts in knots that is.

The list of stresses just keep adding up.

House guests.
Money.
Wife who doesn't understand money/checking account balances.
Mother who is being overly clingy.
The last test I took at work.

And now, the new Field Training Officer (FTO) who thinks that I'm not handling myself right.

I just wanna fucking SCREAM!!!!!

The FTO basically said (what I heard second hand through my original FTO) that I'm afraid to engage the subjects. My interpretation is that because I have a difficult time keeping up with him while he's traipsing across some rock strewn hillside at mach 1 in pitch dark, that he thinks I'm holding back because I'm "afraid". (Oh, and let's not forget that this guy was a PT instructor at the academy.)

News Flash!!! Well over half the damn station can't keep up with him!

But, because I'm the trainee, I'm expected to maintain his ideals.

Thinking about it, I guess I can see how my personality could be a factor in his perception. I'm not very confrontational (but will stand up for myself) and I've spent the last 25 years in customer service related industries. So I can see how this guy put 2+2 together to get 5. Problem is, I'm not 5, I'm 4. And he didn't have a good enough data set to come to that conclusion properly.

But, because I'm just a trainee, I have to suck it up and become (or at least project) someone that I'm truly not. Don't get me wrong, I understand that this guy is most likely doing this because he feels it necessary. And the importance of the subject isn't lost on me. I mean, officer presence is the first item on the use of force continuum, so I get it.

The frustrating part is that this guy has built a perception of me based on just a few outings, and now I'm under the microscope and struggling not to be "that guy". Now I have to prove myself twice as hard just to get where I have been with everyone else.

This whole (career change) thing has had me out of my comfort zone for so long, and I'm growing very weary of it. Will it get better? Of course. Doesn't mean that I don't wish I had some sort of normality to look forward to. I just want to go a couple weeks where I don't have to worry/stress so damn much. It would be a blessing if the only thing to go wrong is a burned out light bulb.

And that's another thing. I do worry. One might say that I do, on occasion, obsess. I've spent years building a reputation, only to have it not count for a damn thing now. It's hard to get past the "obsess" part. It's very difficult to put down the worry and just do what needs to be done.

And yet, that's exactly what I need to do.

Stop worrying, and do the job. And "turn it up" while I'm at it.

I mean, this is worth fighting for. I've got a decent paycheck now, and once I'm "set free" at work, I'll be pretty much able to do what I want without someone breathing down my neck. When I moved, my friend told me that the grass probably won't be greener, to which I replied that as long as it was a different shade of brown, I'd be OK. Well, let me say that the grass turned out to be pretty dang green. And quite lush. And now I have to get pissed about someone trying to fuck with that, and turn that in the right direction.

Hopefully, that is the right angle to take. Because while I would not prefer a confrontation, (and it wouldn't be the right move anyway) it is time to stand up for myself by showing this bastard that he is wrong. ]]> Push-Pull http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/push-pull/1597-getting-old-very-old.html http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/push-pull/1534-houseguests-no-good-deed.html Mon, 05 Jan 2009 17:48:14 GMT Well, the wife's daughter, son-in-law and their 13 year old daughter are staying with us. Long story short, they moved to Colorado a couple years ago, and things didn't work their way. Broken and busted, they asked to stay with us while they set up a new life for themselves in our area.

To date....(since December 10th)

Despite owing my wife and I $800, they saw fit to buy themselves a bunch of stuff like a shotgun, binoculars, sunglasses, etc. Never offered us a dime back out of that check they received.

Their daughter had (until the wife and I bought more) only 2 pairs of underwear and 1 pair of jeans.

Have only bought about $100 of groceries. Wife and I about $500.

This couples with me not being able to keep any food/drink I buy for myself "for myself". For example, I bought a half gallon of ice cream, and within 5 HOURS of buying it, it was half gone. A half gallon would have lasted me for a week and a half.

"Let" my wife do their laundry.

The mother smokes, and ALWAYS has money for cigarettes, despite always "not having money".

They made a trip about 4 hours away despite "not having any money".


This isn't a gripe about the kid, who is actually the best of the three. The kid could stay here as long as she wanted/needed, but the other two are driving my wife and I nuts.

Oh well, just needed to vent. ]]> Push-Pull http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/push-pull/1534-houseguests-no-good-deed.html http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/push-pull/1511-confidence-shaken-restored.html Thu, 01 Jan 2009 15:09:36 GMT So I go in to take that retest yesterday. I've been studying like crazy, finally getting to the point where all the minutiae is starting to congeal in my brain like molasses in Antartica. Anyways, I learned a bit about myself. The big thing is that it's amazing how shaken my confidence got just from failing that test the first time. I mean, I was really starting to doubt how I could EVER pass the second test. I mean it was a different version, and with so much material to cover, there's now way I could cover all the possibilities and I was positive that every little sub topic I didn't bone up on would be there and cause me to miss that 8th question that would seal my unemployed fate.

It didn't happen.

In fact, I nailed that test in the ping-pong balls excuse for testicles so damn hard that the sparks generated from the impact will light the way for a thousand generations of test takers in the future.

I. FUCKING. GOT. A. PERFECT. SCORE. 100%.

And I'd like to think that it's because of the second thing I learned about myself. Well, I've really known it deep down all along, and that is that when it comes to "getting it done", even with shaken confidence, shaking hands, and a very rapid pulse, I can focus like a laser when I need to. The entire rest of the room just disappeared and it was like I was IN the questions, walking up to the correct answer and using it's own blood to mark it.

When I was done, I was still apprehensive. I mean I felt I did better, but when someone is about to potentially inform you that you need to start another career in the service industry, one tends to be a bit shaky. The supervisor asked if I did "better" this time. At this point, I've resumed panic mode down inside, and all I could muster was a "Yes, I think so." The training manager spends what seems like an eternity clicking through screens looking for the results when he says, "Well shit," [FUCK!!! I think] "I'd say you did better. You just got one of only 3 triple digit scores that I've ever seen." At this point he THANKED me. I'm assuming that's because he either didn't want to have to let me go, or he just didn't want to do all that paperwork and have it on his record. Either way, I asked permission to take a 10 minute break and decompress.

Once I got past the whole "holy shit!" feeling, I was still buzzing with adrenaline and never really did calm down, but in a good way. It was like someone dropped my former self back into my body. This past week was so surreal, so gut wrenching. And what a time for it, just before Christmas. It really put a damper on my spirit, and it affected my wife as well. But I made up for it New Year's Eve. Several rum and cokes, and a HUGE steak dinner was the perfect way to celebrate such things.

Oh well, that's over and I now have a new plan to ensure that I do not ever have to repeat the experience. While the redemption (of sorts) was nice, all things equal, I'd rather not had to do it in the first place. ]]> Push-Pull http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/push-pull/1511-confidence-shaken-restored.html http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/push-pull/1503-uhh-so-my-career-line.html Tue, 30 Dec 2008 16:40:28 GMT We have these scholastic reviews every week, and once a month we take a test that encompasses the previous three weeks as well as what we should have retained from the academy. We get two shots at each test, and a second failure at any particular test means termination. So we do the third monthly... We have these scholastic reviews every week, and once a month we take a test that encompasses the previous three weeks as well as what we should have retained from the academy. We get two shots at each test, and a second failure at any particular test means termination. So we do the third monthly test last Wednesday. I failed. Missed it by literally 1 question. I was devastated. I went from 92% or so down to a 68%. So now I've got a retest on this Wednesday, and it literally could mean the end of my job. I've studied my ass off the past several days cramming everything I can into my brain hoping it sticks.

The bad part, I'm scheduled for swings tonight (Tuesday) which means I won't be getting home, much less to bed, before 2 a.m.. And then I have to be back by 7 a.m. to take the retest. Count an hour drive in there, and I'll be lucky if I get 4 hours sleep, not to mention when do I get a chance to study before the test. And I feel like I'm coming down with a cold, and there'll be a good chance we'll be hiking the mountains on our shift meaning we'll be sweaty when it's below freezing. Nice.

I know that some things are worth fighting for, but Jeez, gimme a break already....:expressionless: ]]> Push-Pull http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/push-pull/1503-uhh-so-my-career-line.html http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/push-pull/1199-little-off.html Wed, 19 Nov 2008 13:29:19 GMT I've spent the past 20+ years developing a way of communication that was very effective and suited my situation.

Now that I've changed careers, the rapid fire "let's get this done" way of communicating is obsolete. Kaput. Dead. I've gotta start all over again.

Simply put, I need to keep my mouth shut, listen, and *think* before saying ANYTHING and EVERYTHING. :expressionless:

Guess I'm just tired of wondering if I asked a question in the most appropriate manner, or if I should have even said *whatever*. I'm definitely tired of the taste of my foot.....:mad: ]]> Push-Pull http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/push-pull/1199-little-off.html http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/push-pull/1162-ive-given-up-politics.html Sat, 15 Nov 2008 15:44:52 GMT I just spent some time reading over the "elections" and "politics" sections of this great site. And you know what? I give up. I never really did contribute here in those forums, but that's because I treat this site like I treat people I know and respect. I simply don't prefer to discuss things that would cause that much friction.

Is it a cop-out? Maybe. But I'm much more likely to keep using this site if I'm not in a written fist-e-cuffs with 20 other forum members. Same as with my friends.

And I can imagine someone asking me, "But how are you going to improve the world if you're not willing to fight?" To that I reply that I'm doing my part in my own way, and it doesn't involve getting into a shouting match that reaches rock-concert volumes in 1.6 seconds.

That's what I don't get. How can we consider all this debate useful? It simply isn't productive screaming at each other at the top of your lungs to get your point across. It simply doesn't work.

So to those that prefer to duke it out, I say go right ahead. I hope that you can overcome whatever obstacles you see as such. For me, I'll just keep doing what I feel is my part in this world. ]]> Push-Pull http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/push-pull/1162-ive-given-up-politics.html http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/push-pull/825-so-far-so-good.html Sat, 11 Oct 2008 15:44:45 GMT Just finished up my second week at the station, and let me tell you, I couldn't be happier with my choices and hardships for the past several months. This job is so much more than I thought it would be. Yes, maybe the "new" hasn't worn off, and that it's just a matter of time before it gets "old". But as one supervisor mentioned to me, it's the people who have perspective that make the most out of this job, and let me tell you, I don't think I've ever seen the grass this green. I mean, in the past 10 work days, we went out hiking, tracking, 4 wheeling (including getting stuck/unstuck), and generally exploring for 5 of them. And while we didn't save the US from terrorists (yet), we did do our part to send back 4 illegals. (Oops, sorry, "undocumented immigrants") And there will be plenty more, so for my group, the fun has just begun. And really, the only "hardship" I need to endure is surviving my 18 month probationary period. :thumbsup:

Otherwise, the wife and I are finally starting to make the necessary adjustments to me finally being home, and things are going quite well. Especially considering she likes how I look in the uniform. :oogle: ]]> Push-Pull http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/push-pull/825-so-far-so-good.html http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/push-pull/462-only-2-5-more-weeks.html Sun, 31 Aug 2008 14:59:19 GMT Then I have 9 days off! Four weekend days, and 5 days of admin leave. Of course, after that, I won't have any time off for a while, and I'll be stuck working the holidays and such. But at least I won't be 400 miles away, and I come home each night.

For right now, I'm enjoying the 3 day weekend with my wife, and just doing whatever I feel like, which is a nice feeling. ]]> Push-Pull http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/blogs/push-pull/462-only-2-5-more-weeks.html