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Moving On

shesus — Sat, 04 Apr 2009 02:41:49 GMT

Although this has been a rough week, it has ended well. The news from a mid-week appointment was positive. The other issue is working itself out slowly. I am considering a few options at the moment. At work, the authors never did send the manuscript suggestions, but I was busy checking copyright information for trade books suggested in the Teacher Guides. I never realized how difficult it could be to find out if a book is out of print. I also didn't realize the extent of cool kid's books there are out there even after 8 years of teaching in grades 1-3. My favorite titles were Socrates and the Three Little Pigs (which is out of print) and Sir Cumference and the Knights of the Round Table (actually there is a series featuring Sir Cumference).

Another frustrating thing is that I have been using 2 keyboards for awhile because my Mac iBook had some water spilled on it thanks to my wonderful kittens. About 1/4 of the keys didn't work so I hooked up the desktop keyboard to fill-in missing letters. I love that Mac and didn't want to let it go. I have had it for a little over 4 years. I'm very stubborn, but I knew that I couldn't type on dual-keyboards for long. I also didn't want to spend the money to replace it with another mac. I just couldn't justify it when all I use it for is to type drafts of children's books I'm working on, check a few sites on the Internet, and chat with friends. So, I decided to try out a netbook. So far, I like it. The keyboard is taking a bit to get used to. Of course the band-aid on my middle finger isn't helping much.

I'm glad that it came with Windows XP and not Vista. I'm also excited to have the games again. I missed playing Spider Solitaire and Hearts. I'll have to figure out how to dispose of my little Apple once I get the files I need off of it. I'm going to miss it, but it is time to move on.

Vague Beginning

shesus — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 04:06:03 GMT

This week has been quite long.

I've been dealing with a fall-out from something that happened earlier this week. I may be losing a person that means a great deal to me because I put too much faith in something that didn't work the way it was supposed to. A violation of trust causes many repercussions.

There are also some things that are long over due for a check getting looked at. Waiting is always hard especially when your brain goes to the worst.

Work is quite slow because the authors aren't returning things on time. I should be enjoying the lull, but it makes the days go by so slowly.

The chips will fall where they will and life will carry on.

Love

shesus — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 01:12:20 GMT

I feel really good about empowering my step-daughter with options for her future. From talking to her over the past several months, she is confused and unsure what she wants from her future. This is understandable since she is 18. Her mom is insisting that she stay in school, but JJ and I don't agree. Why continue to throw away money on classes that she isn't going to use because she continues to change majors? Also, if you ask her what she wants to do, she wants to teach yoga and is very interested in piercing and tattooing. If that is what she wants to do, she isn't going to learn that in college. Sure, they aren't conservative choices, but people do those things. So, who are we to stop her from making her life choices?

I came up with 2 ideas and she was very excited and appreciative about them. She's going to consider them carefully over the next month or so.

One is to come live in Chicago. We'd support her for a few months while she got situated. There are endless opportunities here for her.

The other is that we'd drive her to California where her grandparents would help her out until she gets situated. They have a huge ranch that she could live on with little overhead. Since we don't drive anymore, but can't sell our vehicle, we'd leave it with her. She'd have the San Fransisco area and Sacramento to explore and find something that suits her. Plus, if she decided to go back to college, it will be cheaper than she's paying now once she has established residency there.

I don't know what she'll choose and I told her she could decide whatever she wanted, even if it was backpacking across the country working at communes, and we'd support her. I really don't care as long as she's happy. She's been through a lot of shit and I love her dearly. It is hard to put into words how I feel right now, but I think my heart has grown a size after talking to her. She is growing into a woman and she makes me so proud.

Scrumptious Saturday

shesus — Sat, 28 Mar 2009 22:09:03 GMT

This morning I enjoyed a lovely late morning sleep and awoke refreshed and ready to face the day. I consumed a handful of California raisins to curb my appetite until breakfast. I had planned a trip to ye local Belgian waffle shoppe. It was quite nippy this morning so I pulled on a warm sweater, skinny jeans, and brown boots before venturing out.

After a slight hiccup in the trip to make a drop-off at the local dry cleaners, we arrived at the Belgian cafe. After excogitating the menu, I opted for the Baladoch� Z�cker de Abrikoos Vulde waffle. The menu said it was accompanied with one scoop of Gellato. I was pleasantly surprised when I found out it was served with two scoops. I enjoyed my Americano made with Italian espresso while I conversed with JJ and waited for my breakfast to be served. I was quite pleased with the combination of apricots with the pisatchio and hazelnut gellato.

A scrumptious breakfast to commence a delightful Saturday.

Now, I'm ready for a dinner of delectable homemade Italian style meatball subs with melted fresh mozzerella and a fresh tomato sauce topping followed by a homemade chocolate cake for dessert. Saturdays are the days that I go all out and allow myself to indulge in whatever treats I wish before going back to the standard healthful small-portioned meals the remainder of the week.

Birthday in Bad Taste

shesus — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 02:32:36 GMT

I'm 31. I don't feel any older. Over the collective years, I've become more stable and have learned a lot of lessons. Since I'm still breathing, I'm still learning. Life is good...damn good.

This year I did things differently. I haven't had a birthday wish list since age 16. This year, I made one and I got mostly everything on it! I got a piano. An electric keyboard, but it's close enough to real minus the weight and the tuning. I love it! I got a Wii and the Wii Fit plus Super Paper Mario since Paper Mario is the only game I've actually finished since I graduated from the NES. I also got Pikmin which seems really cool. I got a couple CDs and books. They were all wrapped in mish-mash princess paper because I think JJ and Spec hit the rum when they were getting everything ready.

Then I had my birthday party which rocked. I made a ton of food of good taste and asked the guests to come in bad taste. Not many of them did, but that's ok, it was still a blast. We did get an updated family picture though...

Starting my 31st year in an unfashionable state...oh the horror.

Attached Images

Goin' Down the Road

shesus — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 02:51:43 GMT

Riding on the bus is sometimes interesting. I wish I had some original thoughts. I steal and merge. I don't know what is mine anymore.

How do you define real life? I�m not entering a surreal world when I go on vacation. I�m not in the midst of a delusion when I go to the coffee shop or spend time with friends or take a walk along the lake or go shopping or watch a movie. People define those enjoyable times as a break from real life. However, I view all of those things as real life along with working, commuting, and the inevitable stress. If real life is considered paying bills, working, and doing other things that most people consider chores, what is the point in living? Why waste 5, 6, or even the whole week doing nothing one considers to be real life just to get to days of escape? If one is constantly looking for an escape, what�s the point in life? To steal a favorite lyric of mine: You wasted life, why wouldn�t you waste death? I�m tired of wasting life. I�m tired of being so fucking serious. Do you want to see a magic trick?

I used to want to not live. I would think a lot about death which in my mind equals nothingness. My perception of death is floating in the darkness feeling nothing, seeing nothing, wanting nothing. No color, no worries, no deadlines, no responsibilities, no dust, no clutter, no noise, no hustle or bustle. I used it as an attention-seeking behavior. I wanted to go to there. If I had the balls enough to do it, I would have. I am wishy-washy when it comes to committing. Although, I guess I committed to life, although that was the easy choice. The easy choices are always easy to make. They don�t cause major changes. It�s the tough choices that really matter. The tough choices shatter foundations and either kill you or make you stronger. People don�t try to do things, they just do them. Trying is for people who don�t really want to make a change. Those are big words that most people don�t want to accept. I proved it to myself when I stopped smoking cold turkey over 2 years ago after 5 years of �trying�. Shouldn�t changing a state of mind follow the same rules?

I was like many people. I was either living in the past or waiting for that time in the future when everything would fall in place. Sometimes I still get swept away in a memory of what used to be. But I have thrown out the magical idea of that happening to make everything perfect. The truth is the past has forgotten me and the future doesn�t even know I exist. The past was for another person in another place in another time. That person cannot be resurrected. That person is no longer here. She has evolved through experiences. I can�t go back. All that leaves is today pushing forward into an unknown future. I feel good about that. I don�t want to waste life by being so serious and living for a time that has gone by or may never come to be.

Interesting things happen on the bus.

�Do you believe what you�re saying?�
�I do right now, but not that often.�

We all have the same destination. At least enjoy the ride.

Christmas Eve

shesus — Thu, 25 Dec 2008 03:33:03 GMT

Tried to free the animals at the zoo, but it was too cold to walk that distance.

Decided that coming home and drinking screwdrivers was a better choice.

Opened a bunch of presents my parents left at Thanksgiving. They weren't great. I think they believe I have turned Mormon and never want to get laid again. They don't know me well anymore I rarely visit.

Opened a great package that was attached to a hunk of a man. Watched some lesbian porn and got fucked.

Gotta work tomorrow, which is no biggie. People have to eat right?

I got my editing job for Christmas. Yea, I'm kind of a big deal. ;)

Happy Christmas your arse!

Things to make one smile

shesus — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 03:16:09 GMT

1) The smell of apples, cinnamon, and nutmeg filling the kitchen.

2) Warm apple crisp with vanilla ice cream and caramel sauce.

3) A warm kitten sleeping on your lap on a cold, lazy day.

4) Seeing autumn leaves while walking on a crisp, cool day.

5) Enjoying a delicious, strong coffee while relaxing with friends.

6) People watching.

7) A surprise phone call and hearing that some random person sees something special in you after only a 10 minute meeting.

8) Feeling hope.

9) Completing a Mensa crossword puzzle.

10) A favorite song that catches you by surprise.

11) Looking forward to a bad movie night.

12) Snuggled under the covers with a special someone.

13) A feeling of accomplishment.

Life lately

shesus — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 17:07:16 GMT

Fall seems like an update time of year. Change in season and weather. Holidays coming up quickly. Economy going down the shitter. A huge election looming ever closer. (Go Obama!) Life changing dramatically with no true direction and I like it that way for now.

I threw in the towel on teaching. When I walked into a classroom with 34 disrespectful students in the ghetto, I knew that enough was enough. So now, I am a waitress. I love it. The schedule is great and the pay isn't shabby. I have time to support JJ in his photography venture which is turning out to be awesome. I'm allowed to brag and I may be biased, but that's ok. I'm also pursuing some modeling gigs and getting a portfolio put together for fetish and fashion modeling. The fetish is very recent and something that I find very exciting...in many ways.

I'm so over the bullshit and manipulative guilt trips that I've been putting up with for years. I'm done trying to be and just being. It took awhile as many of you witnessed if you kept up with me during my shitty 20s. What a mess I was. Luckily, the people I care most about stuck with me through those times. I am very loved.

Here are some photos of recent because a picture can say more imo.

My general gesture. It's how I show I care.

Bondage Demonstration for a magazine release party

Speeding on the Career Path

shesus — Sat, 26 Jul 2008 17:14:23 GMT

I'm faced with a change in employment.

We moved back to Chicago with no jobs lined up. This isn't a problem because we're getting paid over the summer and substituting in the fall is a sure thing. I've been contacting schools and applying to jobs.

I got a call from a non-profit literacy consulting agency. I'm very excited because I can use my Master's degree and get in the field which I was hoping to enter in about 5 years. I will be coaching preK and K teachers in their literacy instruction. This includes observing, providing professional development, modeling, and assisting in the room set-up.

The draw back is that it is contractual with no benefits and only part-time. There is room for growth after a year which could put me in a curriculum developer position which is my *main* goal. Also, I could use this experience to leverage into a coaching/consulting position with Chicago Public school or one of the text book companies around here. And after I earn my reading endorsement next summer, I will meet all the qualifications to reach my goals in less time than I previously thought.

I have my in-person interview in a week. I'm not nervous because I feel qualified for the position I am interviewing for. However, I hope that it will be able to work out if I get the offer.

My schedule if I get the offer will look like this:
Literacy consulting 3-4 days a weeek
hopefully tutoring for Sylvan 3-4 days a week
Substituting on days not consulting

I'm will to do 3 jobs to follow this path. I'm very excited and hope it works out. :)

No emotion

shesus — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 04:04:46 GMT

I have a bruise on my arm. The elevator tried to eat me yesterday when we got home. It opened on the first floor and I went to step in and the door closed on me. At first, I thought stupid, old, vintage elevator. Then I noticed a man in the elevator. He was repeatedly pushing the number to his floor. This is why the door was closing, it was ready to go up. Why he was already in the elevator and wanting to go up after he'd come down is a mystery to me, but there he was. He continuously pressed the button as JJ and I pushed our way inside it.

After we were in, JJ made a comment about the elevator trying to eat me and we laughed. The man still just stood there. No chuckle, no sorry, no dirty 'bitch, you're slowing me down' look. Nothing.

I rarely see people with absolutely no emotion. It was a bit disturbing.

Gnat Invasions, a Drunken Uncle, and a falling Granny

shesus — Sun, 20 Jul 2008 21:08:11 GMT

What an eventful day. We went out to do some things and when we got back the kitchen was full of gnats. I tossed most of the produce that was on the counter, hopefully that will help.

Then, I had a message from my mom. My grandparents and uncle went to Cinicinnati for a baseball game. My uncle got tossed out of the stadium for smoking and being belligerent to security. He wandered away from the stadium and didn't turn up until the bars closed down. My grandma had already fallen when getting off the bus and having to find my uncle caused her to fall again which leads to the third part of the story...

My grandma falls constantly and has been for at least 10 years now. When she fell in Cincinnati, she blacked out so they took her to the hospital. Come to find out, she's been falling because her heart will stop beating. In the first 4 hours, her heart stopped 20-40 times for 1-5 seconds each time. She sent my family away because she doesn't want anyone with her there. I tried to call, but she has the phone of the hook. She's getting a pacemaker tomorrow.

My family is insane. :rolleyes: