I have not spoken English in two days. Mexico is not as foreign to me as it once was, now it´s just occasionally slightly inconvienient, and I feel like a functioning retard. I thought about this last night as I ate some tasty 45 cent tacos in a little dirty shack blasting Metallica. One of those surreal moments that makes life seem almost worth sticking around a wee bit longer.

I finally left Oaxaca, took the ghetto bus to Tuxtla. Everyone was going to San Cristobal or the beach or San Jose, I wanted to go to Tuxtla because no one was going there, it was a small town, and I found out they have a one day turn around laundry service. Living the hostel lifestyle was nice, but I kind of wanted to be alone, see mexico and not just the touristy sites, just avereage everyday mexico. i figured tuxtla was small enough and off the backpacker/tourist circuit, and its on the way to Palenque, where I`m headed.

It occured to me I`ve entered the jungle. Saw some...

black curly shoulderlength hair framed a face that glowed like a picture of the madonna, green eyes, and a smile that was wicked and innocent at the same time. fuck, to me she looked like the madonna, with a raspy sexy voice that any phone sex operator would pay to have.

she sat down across from me, eating her lunch as i ate mine. we talked, had about a 30 minute conversatoin in spanish, she was italian, i can barely speak spanish. she was so damn cool, and she talked to me like she was genuinely interested.

i woke up the next morning and there she was, in the bed next to me, in my dorm, it had to be fate. she was awake and laying in her bunk, looking at me as i put on my shirt, smiling. over breakfast she came outside and joined me, asked me about the tattoos on my back.

over the next few days we hung out in a group together, we talked, laughed. i asked her if she was single, she said yes, asked her if she wanted someone, she said...

its early morning, i´m in oaxaca, i think ive been here three or four days now. this evening i catch a bus to some small town that isn´t in a book and there are no hostels there, on the way to Palenque. Everyone is going to San Cristobal, I figured I would go to this town cause no one will be there, it won{t be touristy, it´ll be a bit more "mexican."

Yesterday I tagged along doing some touristy shit. i didn´t care about the actual places we went, the ruins, these mineral water pools. For me, the fun was getting there, riding in the back of a pickup truck with a bunch of mexicans and thier bags, bumping along some sketchy winding dirt road on the side of a mountain with spectacular views. THAT was the real fun, the best part. The pyramids were just a bunch of rocks, yeah yeah yeah, seen it elsewhere. The mineral water pools were cool, they were quite scenic, overlooking a spectacular verdant canyon and huge mountains. Having lived in Colorado, well...yeah,...

so, started drinking in ernest yesterday afternoon, by the evening, i was out of my fucking mind blind drunk. good times.

last night we went to the cemetery for day of the dead celebrations, which were ok, not the big one, the main party is tonight. still it was amazing, lots of people, many tourists (got me thinking that now there are more tourists than actual mexicans, and they have a secret day where they do thier thing, now that the tourists have taken over).

dancing, music, free hot chocolate, ornate artistic murals made of dirt and rice and beans, i mean, some hardcore fucking art. amazing, all at the cemetary.

so we left there and ended up in a small, small bar with a live ska band, and i danced like i was possessed, it was wonderful, except i was all sweaty. joined in with the locals, and me and these mexican guys tore up the floor.

then i stumbled my way back to the room and slept.

today i went...

i am so fucked up right now, the light from “not fucked up” would take years to reach me.

If only she were here. but, would that do any good? i wonder what she is doing, i see her face when i look around, i think about her. i wonder if she thinks about me? why should she, i´m nothing really. i cant tell her my feelings, she probably knows anyway, but as long as i dont voice them everything is ok. its all just me twisting the knife around in the wound.

just one woman, that is all i ask, one chance...

fuck, dammit. why? stupid question raeally, thats your role in this movie. you are that guy. and there it is.