If i´m hungry, I say I hunger, if i´m thirsty i say I thirst.

I horn.

Its like life mocks me wherever i go, there is always some couple tongue wrestling, some chick looking longingly into a guy´s eyes, like life rubs my face in it, saying "look what you cant have."

I need a woman. funny weird thing is, it´s like i´m constantly replaying some scene in a loser play, its almost scripted.

her: you are so funny and witty and good looking and cool.
me: great, wanna go back to my room?
her: no.

that is the abbreviated version, there are variants on a theme, but its always that theme. why do i meet girls who like me but that is it? id be happy, at least for right now, if a chick hated me but would at least fuck me.

i want to feel warm skin against me, smell a woman, taste a woman. i want to nibble an earlobe, kiss that spot where the neck meets the shoulder, put my hand...

So I´m in Puebla, mexico. It is extra freakin sweet here, very colonial, so the architecture is amazing, but its hip and cool. People walk around with smiles, laughing, they are happy, relaxed. I move through the city like a wraith, invisible, walking up and down the streets. One weird thing here is the banks require a passport to change money. This is the first time I´ve been asked for my passport.

I was walking around last night, came upon a square with a bunch of mariachis hanging around, smoking, talking, just standing there, like they were for hire. You drive up, lean out the window and say "hey, I need some mariachis," you make the deal, and they hop in their mariachi van and take care of business, kinda like the A-Team, only with huge sombreros and cool pants.

The hostel I´m staying in is beautiful, big, clean, quiet, really nice. I was hoping to meet some people who smoke, so I can give them the pot. There are two roomates...

if you are reading this, sit down, strap yourself in, it might take a while, but it should all make sense in the end….

for the past many years of my life i´ve felt like i was cursed. i have many examples and reasons to think so, wont mention them now.

so in guadalajara, i met themla and louise, and told them i want to see a curandera, a healer, also known as a bruja, a witch, for a limpia, a cleaning. they suggested i go to cuernavaca as there are many brujas in a nearby town. so i went to cuernevaca.

cuernevaca is awesome, there is lots to do, its a cool, hip town, people are laid back and freindly, its a huge clean city. the only problem i have with it is hills, you are going up or down, no flat. i stayed at the hostel experiencia, which used to be, and is still used as, a language school. i had my own huge bathroom and bedroom, it was awesome. abut 18 seconds after arriving, met Pepe, an italian stoner. nice guy. i ended up hanging...

another busride, another town

another chance to be let down

ill meet a girl all smiles and pretty

ill be cool, funny, witty

ill make her laugh like she is stoned

but at the end of the day, ill sleep alone



i´m in the bus station, waiting for my bus, i just paid 30 cents to pee, i just paid 1.20 for two awesome fucking tacos, and i broke down and bought some shampoo for a buck. i´m heading to cuernavaca, dont really know why, doesnt matter anyway, its all mashing into one big blurry scene of lonliness and despair. the lonliness is creeping up, like rust, a little at a time. im trying to ignore it, fight it with thoughts of the future, false hope, but deep inside i know im lying to myself. ill keep it at bay for as long as i can, when it breaks through the door, i dont know what will happen. will i just crumble and blow away in the wind?

at least i´ve left that dead...

I´m in San Miguel de Allende. I´m in hell.

the town is clean, picture perfect, fairy tale. just like the movie "In Bruges" its disgustingly boring. And worse, it´s a fucking retirement community for old americans. i sit in the cathedral square in the center of town, there is mexican music playing, stands selling corn on the cob on a stick (slathered in butter, coverd in cheese, sprinkled with chile powder. AWESOME) ice cream, various snacks. the weather is beautiful. I´m surrounded by wrinkly white folks with big hats, shirts tucked into jeans, orthopedic shoes, and sweaters tied around thier skinny wrinkly necks. cars parked on the street have license plates from florida, texas, california, maine, south fucking dakota.

there is a starbucks, complete with the yuppie sitting there, on his cell phone, with his rei baseball cap, sunglasses, patagonia shirt and pants and merril boots, looking like he is ready for safari. all "actioned"...