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My girlfriend wrestled in jello.

thespian86 — Sun, 02 Aug 2009 21:39:27 GMT

AND I FUCKING MISSED IT.

Seriously. Seriously. Fuck fuck fuck. I get a text.

ACE: I'm wrestling in jello in a bit if you feel like coming down to watch.

All jokes I think. Just joshing, I say. Text her back? WHY WOULD I!?

I'll tell you why folks. Because if you're girlfriend text's you saying: "I am going to wrestle an equally good looking, super fox (like me) in a sticky, wet substance for funzies" that means, apparently, THAT SHE IS GOING TO DO IT.

Learn from my failures gentlemen. Learn from the slow, antagonizing death I am suffering right now; until two hours from now when I fireman carry her to her bedroom and tell the roommates to hit the bricks for a few hours. Which is what's going to happen.

Fashionable people doing questionable things

thespian86 — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 18:18:29 GMT

Well, hi there.

ACE: Things are going very well in the dating department. We are still kind of fooling around physically and we are strangely close in every other aspect. We seem to have everything in common. Our backgrounds are similar (uninvolved parents who had us way too young, accelerated schooling, etc) all the way down to small, ridiculous stuff (she and I practiced kissing on Aladdin/Jasmine respectively as little kids). It was freightening at first but now it's common place that we have a lot in common ("I bought you mint tea because I knew it was your favorite", "I told you that", "No.").

At the same time we have enough differences that it makes our dynamic interesting and enticing. Most importantly, with those commonalities, as well as our differences, we just seem to click. More so then anyone else I've ever met; I'm hoping that continues.

WORK: Well folks, I'm almost at my wits end with working for family. My step-father owns a successful commercial and residential contracting firm. He mostly sub-contracts out but owns a few subsidiaries that he uses in other situations. Everything with him is business; down to birthday plans. I've known this my whole life and it's never been easy. I've been working for him off and on for 7 years. I get paid next to nothing (let's say the pay scale of an average 18 year old) but I play a major role in the company (the job of a 45 year old). I worked 125 hours for 11 days straight.

The problem isn't the money, but rather the lack of respect. I get treated like a punching bag for Mike and his erratic and manic behavior. Nothing I do is good enough; and when it is it's simply within the moment, and two days later I'm back to being the 14 year old who used to pretend to be sick so he could go see Dramafest. I'm tired of taking the brunt of his petty behavior.

I've talked to him several times about this, which, fittingly, he has a small fit about, dismisses me instantly, and spends the rest of the day taking shots at me, my work ethic, and my emotional state.

Oh, and then I have to go home with him. I can't take a day off because he knows where I sleep. And apparently I "owe him money" for the life he gave me. So I don't even get to keep most of my money.

This has been my life for as long as I can remember. My mother simply doesn't care and I'm okay with that. I'm a man. I can deal with my own problems, but it seems I've hit the ceiling on the things I can do. The problem is, if I quit then he'll cut me off, and I am financially dependent on him and my mother; I just spent a year at a very expensive school, in a very expensive city. I didn't want to have them pay for it but it was the only way in the end; I needed him. He'll take advantage of that.

THEATRE: Stuff is falling apart. My producer had a very surprise surgery the other day and is in bad shape. My space was stolen by the artistic director of Theatre New Brunswick; very intentionally (so if anyone knows C. Marshall, feel free to punch him in the face several times. I need work from him someday). Etc. Etc.

SCHOOL: I got an amazing scholarship to go write with Judith Thompson, Skye Gilbert, and Daniel McIvor at The University Of Guelph. But I wouldn't be doing any theatre in the first year. So I'm going to do my first year at STU, see where things go with Ace, see if I can resolve stuff with step-daddy, and enjoy the year. I'll miss the accessibility of Toronto but I think I need a year of familiarity.

That's it. Thanks for reading. Catch up session over.

taylor.

More like Super Mega Foxy Awesome Hot

thespian86 — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 04:04:01 GMT

Sitting with Ace in my car today:

ME: You're staring.
ACE: Am I?
ME: At my charm. It's my charm isn't it.
ACE: You caught me.
ME: Going for mysterious; got it. sorry.
ACE: I can't help it, it's attractive.
ME: My charm?
ACE: More then attractive.
ME: More then attractive.
ACE: Yes. More like Super Mega Foxy Awesome Hot.

She wins. I win. Life feels good.

I kissed her!

thespian86 — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 06:37:47 GMT

Fuck yes I did!

I kissed her, and then did so sporadically while having one of the best dates of my life. Mark my words TFP, I may marry this girl.

MARK THEM!.

love taylor.

ps. I made a cop roll down his window on the way home from - who I will refer to as "ace" - Ace's house so I could tell him life was a good time and a half. He didn't seem as excited. I don't blame him.

he didn't kiss her. You know why? BECAUSE I DID! *happy dance*

Life is funny.

thespian86 — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 06:39:58 GMT

Life is funny. It seems to throw the most unexpected curve balls my way. Sometimes I'm the instigator but it's more me adhering to my life in the moment then making long term choices. Such is being 23.

For example (I have two):

1) A friend, Ruby, accused me of being a liar about a month ago; about making up my "life before Toronto" while I was in school. I didn't know how to respond, while also realizing that no matter what I say it won't change anything; that I'd be fighting a losing battle. The biggest thing, I assume, is my step father's money and it's existence. Which I found funny based on this:

I gave her boyfriend, and my best friend, 2879 dollars to pay the rest of tuition so he wouldn't be kicked out. I did it for many reasons and I could afford the luxury of doing so. He has yet to pay all of it back (I believe around 600 remains). Today I emailed him, and he responded back with this very heavy handed message about the "hyperbole" regarding my parents money, and that, essentially, it was my fault he owed me money because I had lied about my lifestyle. But I hadn't. I spent hours pouring my heart out over problems with my parents that I had never discussed with anyone before Matt. Hours and hours of vulnerability, which is difficult as both a man, and individually. And because of Ruby's snap and ignorant judgement it is gone. I'm very disappointed that someone like him would so easily do that. Such is life.

Haha. Life is funny.

2) I went to a wedding yesterday where a friend was married. I hosted the "red carpet" (he's a tv producer/film director - he is not very successful but endlessly passionate about it) for the wedding. People asked me if I was nervous for the wedding and I said yes. They meant the red carpet. I meant seeing Ashleigh for the first time since February. And her new boyfriend. The one she had cheated on me with. When I arrived I saw them and within a couple of hours I realized:

i. this guy isn't a quarter of the man i am (his interaction at the wedding).
ii. she is far more fucked up over it then I am (she stared at me most of the wedding ceremony and reception)
iii. I'm happier without her.
iv. He, the boyfriend, looks like the unibomber.

I felt great about myself.

I partied. I brought a super hot and incredible date that got me lots of compliments (she deserved them - she looked beautiful) and gave me even more fun. I sang some Sinatra with a big band (first time ever doing that - it was a thrill). I got to hug and kiss K. and R. (the couple getting married) which made me feel very fulfilled. And yet something was nagging at me.

Today I didn't think of it all day, aside from when my mother asked me how things went and such. I went out with two girls tonight; Jenna and Allie. Jenna and I have a thing that is coming to a close. She is moving, I am not. Allie and I seem to have a thing that is beginning. I know this sounds douchey, but Jenna was setting us up, and I know THAT sounds fucked up, but Jenna and I are more best friends who cross the line. She knew Allie and I are perfect for each other and decided to introduce us and I'm VERY happy she did. Wowzers, she's one heck of a lady. I'm a little light headed still haha. And I had a perfectly friendly night with both; had a few drinks, got soaked to the bone at a Theatre In The Park performance of A Midsummer Night's Dream. Great time.

I got home and wrote Ashleigh an email apologizing for the asshole that I was and for the things that I said the day we ended things. She deserved it a long time ago. I made it clear it wasn't about us, or me, but that I had reached a place where I could see I was wrong, and that she deserved one (and had asked for one several times before this when we were first separated). I admit that I failed her so many times, and turned it on her too many times (once is too many times).

Haha. Life is funny.

ATTENTION CANADIANS! I'm gonna be read on Q.

thespian86 — Sat, 27 Jun 2009 06:56:13 GMT

Hey TFPers.

I got an email today from Q informing me I'd be receiving a response to mail I had sent them regarding a discussion they had on it. Furthermore, Jian was going to read it on air in an upcoming episode of Q! Hurray! I feel incredibly proud/excited. I can't wait to hear my words on Radio; it'll be the first time.

And it's far more gratifying then stage obviously. As Don McKellar's character Darren Nichols said in Slings and Arrows:

"I don't hate theatre; I pity it. It's this small, sad little medium struggling to get heard. You know, more people listen to the radio then go to the theatre. And nobody listens to the radio."

Here is letter if anyone is interested:

Hi Jian,

Big fan sir. In regards to the June eleventh broadcast of Q, in which you discussed Hollywood's recent trend of playing to kids. Several of your guests mentioned the death of Romance films; nothing contemporary that meets the cinematic prowess of Gone With The Wind, et al. I would have to disagree.

Film, like any medium, grows in style of content as contemporary film changes direction and technique. Romance films have simply become less of the Romantic era, and one of the Reflective. I only have to point at a few films in this decade: the beauty and enthralling love affair of William, Penny, and Russel in Cameron Crowe's Almost Famous. John Cusack's sullen and self-defeating Rob digging through old love to find out why he can't find consistency in romance in Hornby's High Fidelity.

The 80's had John Hughes; and Cusack to think of it. Lord knows, I long to stand outside Dianne Court's house blasting Phil Collins. Yes, the epic and all too fairy tale-esque Romantic Era pieces have, dare I say it, gone with the wind, but romance has not.

It's simply the move from 'Here's looking at you kid' to 'what came first? The music, or the misery?' Then again, I'm a romantic.

thanks Jian,

- Taylor

I had a psychotic episode today...

thespian86 — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 02:38:43 GMT

... for the first time in a long time.

I had some sort of anxiety attack at first. I felt like I was drowning and I couldn't breathe so I was literally open mouthed, breath pulling hard and sharply. Then everything disappeared. I couldn't remember, I couldn't think or comprehend, and when my boss (who is also my step-father) was talking to me I couldn't figure out what I was saying. That turned into twitching and color - color faded. I couldn't stop moving. Felt like crying and screaming.

I was just insulating a house for godsakes.

"The episodes will wane; the aftershocks remain". My head feels like cement. I have tons of energy but I can't seem to do anything but boil; that is, sit here and let it build. When I came back to work - I went for a delivery - I was excessively happy and talkative; frighteningly so.

What I said before I went on the delivery to my step father pretty much sums it up:

"I'm so tired of this."

I just beat up my sister.

thespian86 — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 02:35:02 GMT

Well not really. But here is the deal (I want to hear what you think):

My sister is 11 going on 12. She has been, since about 2 or 3, incredibly stubborn, rude, and bratty. That said she is also incredibly intelligent, beautiful, athletic, and funny. But all of that seems to go unnoticed because of her overwhelming need to piss everyone off.

She doesn't listen. Ever. In fact, she does the exact opposite. While smiling, giggling in your face.

I have never been the best brother and I regret that. We have two different mothers, and although I love my step mother very much and we have no problems to speak of, this has kind of meant we don't see each other often. I was dating quite early, and was always a popular guy in school, and tended not to visit post-going to high school. Something I regretted very much when my Dad had his stroke.

Now my sisters (11 and 6) are growing up and I regret not spending enough time with them. But I'm finding it so hard. Every conversation I have with Olivia (the brat) ends with her being obtuse, unresponsive, rude, obnoxious, or a combination of a few or all of them. I took her to the movies to see something she wouldn't of seen otherwise and she responded by not talking to to me when I spoke to her, laughing when I told her she was being rude, ignoring me when I asked her serious questions. It reached the point where I went adult on her, yelled a bit, and taught her a stern lesson about being rude, and how far it will get her. It didn't teach her anything.

Tonight I went to visit my father (father's day) and watched Transformers with him, me step-ma, Emily (six year old who worships me), and Olivia. It consisted of Olivia doing every possible thing to ruin my visit. All by doing the opposite she was told, and being disagreeable for no reason, etc. It ruined my visit with my family. Ones I hardly ever get to see.

Then it happened. The Battle. It took 45 minutes before my step-mother came out and ended it. It was me simply denying her access to the fridge until she said please (she was hanging off me, hurting me - she's pretty big -, and had pushed me when I went to the fridge). So I stood there, and let her push me, and hit me, and tell me to move. She'd push her way in and I'd push her until she was an arm's length away. I tried to explain it to her by saying she couldn't move me, because I'm far stronger, and couldn't out smart me, because I'm smarter, and couldn't out last me, because I'm in better shape. I said it very plainly, that she was going to lose and the best thing she could do is listen to me, sit down, and she would get what she wanted. But she didn't listen. She just fought harder.

She started to get tired and I told her to give up to which she responded "I don't give up" and I told her I was impressed with her will power but sometimes the best way to win is to concede. She didn't.

I told her to, if she was so set on winning, stop and think about ways of making me stop. She didn't. I told her if she put herself in a position where I'd have to touch and she fake cried I'd probably stop. But, even though her face lit up with the idea, refused to let go. My father yelled for her to stop and I refused to budge, and so did she - obviously.

She told me to move aggressively several, upon several times. I said no. At one point I stopped talking so it wouldn't egg her on. She just kept going. At this point she had been physically going at me for 25 minutes.

I asked her what she needed so bad and she said "A drink". I said "I'll get you one if you sit down" and she said "no". I said "the tap is over there" and she said "I want juice".

ME: So you don't want a drink?

HER: No. I'm thirsty and want juice.

ME: Get some water.

HER: I don't drink water.

And so on. This went on until my pissed off mother came out and told her to go to bed. She refused. She took her hand and said "go to bed" and tried walking with her hand but Liv pulled it away. Mom finally got her to go to her room. I appologized for being a dick and she said goodnight. I took a chair, put it in front of the door, and sat down. I sat there for an hour. She tried to come out several times thinking I'd left, but there I was reading the paper.

That's what happened.

What can I do to get through to this kid. My mother and father are incredible people who work ridiculously hard to provide for this kid. They do everything for her.

I realize what she wants is attention but the only way she tries to receive it, not even just GET it but RECEIVE it, is negatively. She refuses to accept positive attention, and if she does she works at it until it is negative.

What can I do. I want to love her. But I can't keep standing in front of the allegorical fridge all her life. My parents can't do that. They have done everything.

PROBLEM/SOLUTION/RESULT:

- Slamming her door/took off her door/didn't matter
- Ignoring phone limitations/no phone use/didn't matter
- Bullying her sister/whatever/didn't matter
- etc etc/ yada yada yada/ didn't matter!

Jesus that kid. Solutions?

Rehearsals start today.

thespian86 — Sun, 21 Jun 2009 15:33:58 GMT

I'm starting a show in half and hour (which means I should put on pants and go right now). Songs For A New World by Jason Robert Brown. I was cast as Man 1 which means I'll get to tenor the hell out of it.

the song I'll be singing today:

YouTube - Darius de Haas- "King of the World"

So I'll be here less. Try not to miss me. I know it'll be hard; I'm looking at you Xerxys

I want to shank the man who made me this way...

thespian86 — Sat, 20 Jun 2009 18:12:19 GMT

... and also buy him a beer.

I'm just so tired of feeling up and down; of being indecisive. I need direction I think. So I think I'm doing Katimavik this year, coupled with a trip to Europe for a month or two. Clear my head, or make it worse. Something needs to change.

You know how I know? I thought about Ashleigh today: "I miss her." I need help :rolleyes: :no:

- Taylor

My habit

thespian86 — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 03:50:07 GMT

I've whisked up an interesting new ritual that takes place around 3:00 am every morning now. At 3 am, I leave my house with a sweater and khakis on, put on some Q via podcast, and spark a joint.

Now, I realize that "drug use" is frowned upon. And I'm not an advocate for weed. I realize that I'm seeing the same sunset sober and high. But walking through my small, upper-middle class, quiet neighborhood in a fairly small city at that time in the morning is cleansing anyways. Put some Jian on top of that, with a pinch of sunrise and an immense amount of birds chirping to high heaven. It's pretty spectacular.

My life is pretty spectacular.

Personal Truth vs Truth [2/2]

thespian86 — Sun, 14 Jun 2009 02:48:47 GMT

[continuation...]

Personal belief is dangerous. Not in its intended form, but in it's current, bastardized form. The one that governs us as a species, that divides and creates individualists; a series sub-species of human beings based on self-created philosophy and self-generated systems of belief. Stuff we, individually, commonly hold true. Stuff we don't challenge because we are not only allowed but encouraged to "love ourselves conditionally in the public eye and no one has the right to separate me from my beliefs". Believing something has a place in your personal life but in the public life it DOES NOT. The laws and regulations set forth by man must better mankind, not a man alone. Otherwise the system will constantly be at war with itself because, as I stated before, belief is subjective and therefore static. Ideas can change but the principle behind them remain the same. Let that go.

When I discuss living through experience and not commonly held beliefs people raise their eyebrow: "so you don't hate rapists huh? So you think that nothing exists outside of what you know; so Paris doesn't exist since you've never been there! That's stupid!" But we are discussing two different things: fact and belief. Of course I believe rape is wrong. Of course I assume Paris is there. But if someone were to ask me to prove the existence of Paris, it would be bullshit. I can't prove it, or more importantly, disprove it, short of flying there. If someone told me rape was grand I couldn't tell this person they were wrong and punish them because what I believe is purely based on assumptions. Of course I don't hate something I've never experienced. Of course something doesn't exist to me if I've never seen it. And for someone who has ever had a fear, and then faced it, it is ALWAYS different: perhaps not better or worse an experience, but always different. Sex is, getting shot is, skating is, owning a pet is. That's why we learn through experience. That's why, through experience, we get better at something. That's why practice, no matter the subject, always makes perfect and there is no way to cheat the system. The experience is the always the REALITY, while the assumption is the MYTH of it. Like getting shot with a paint ball hurts, until you get hit and it's painful, but only in a way that can be realized through being shot with one; not through word of mouth. And the experiences I used are absurdly polar, but the same principles apply to the small things people adhere to everyday, without questioning or thinking about why. And yet, people will defend those thoughtless, unquestioned beliefs as if they are fact. In the face of facts, proven facts, things that have been PROVEN, these people will still refuse to accept. Which is the definition of ignorance.

We must not adhere to personal truth anymore as a viable truth. A society in which everyone stands alone is no society at all, for a society is a collective; an amalgamation of humanity. A social movement cannot consist of a single voice, and yet that is how we live. Each man is his own keeper. But that�s bullshit; we live in a governed society that goes unwatched and we�ve grown tired of simply because we spend our lives battling with our own personal truths. It�s as if people are still battling with the idea of politics which is sad. There needs to be a separation of personal agenda and macro-growth. There needs to be discussions based on things we�ve learned and seen throughout our lives, and not on commonly held beliefs or taught behavior. Hearing my parents tell me something my whole life does not make it true. They simply happen to be their beliefs but that doesn�t mean I have to adhere to them.

I guess what I�m saying is that my life has not been lived before me, even though collectively the human race have experienced EVERY situation I have in my 23 years on earth; at least in a similar fashion. Life, itself, implies living; not an adherence to the IDEAS of living. That is what truly makes us individuals, and at the same time, instantly the same. That we all live, and that life is for living. That experience is personal, but because the world does not CHANGE because we think things about it, all experiences come from the same things. That is where fact is found; in that never ending sameness of the things independent of our personal will. A world of truth outside of personal truth. It exists and it HAS to be the thing that dictates our society. I may believe something about those truths, and I can create a personal life in which I adhere to these as an individual, but I don�t have the right to live publically, within the community I live in, based on those personal truths. They CANNOT take the place of truth because when they do, we live in a world that is unstable. We cannot base our society around things that can be debated because debate means it is undecided. It means it is opinion, and opinion is not a foundation but a flourish; something we put inside the house built out of facts, not things we think should be facts.

Educate yourself. Never stop doing so. Examine and apply while realizing you will never reach a point of complete understanding. There will never be an end point and the minute you allow yourself to believe that is the minute you adhere to Myths and not truths. You have the right to believe but not to enforce. To practice personally but not make public. To have pride but realize that those around you will never share the exact sentiment. To realize that being alone in your beliefs is a privilege and not a loss because a war of principles is a never-ending war. Respect must come in the form of allowing those around us to have a personal life without allowing it to leak into the public area. Debate is healthy but in the form of finding conclusions, not striving to defeat the opposition. We cannot survive it. We are not surviving it.

Personal Truth vs Truth [1/2]

thespian86 — Sun, 14 Jun 2009 02:48:14 GMT

This is something I posted in the thread "Zeitgeist" but it is something I've been working over through personal work for a bit now. I thought posting it in my blog felt more natural.

[Sorry if this becomes repetitive or redundant]

I don't subscribe to inherently restrictive social conclusions and I�ve done so for a while now. There is a consistency of ignorance and backwards thinking in preconceived ideologies that too many people adhere to in society. Things like faith masked as fact.

The greatest issue for me in this movement is where to start because it's a paradox. To defeat establishment we must first destroy preconception and out-dated ideas. But, to defeat this preconceived social movement people need to witness the failure of establishment.

The longer I think about this the more frustrated I get with a (created term) "self-sustaining dependence". We've created a mechanism that runs without our help anymore but also works to restrict and oppose us. One so big that forces indifference in the face of opposing it because it seems unstoppable, and thus we give up.

Beginning with the seemingly endless downward nature of capitalism in a central banking system, to the adherence of social acceptance (ie: every man has a right to build a life in society on personal belief, no matter how absurd; it's "not our place to judge him"), we are held in check by the nature of the beast. By individualizing ourselves, we further ourselves from social evolution; we collectively "agree" in small groups instead of cohesively adhering to recognized fact. Those small groups work against progress by competing with each other. There is a common misconception in capitalism, but held socially by most "civilized nations", that competition breeds growth. But that isn't so; it restricts growth. It is a contradiction. It becomes a practice of becoming all-powerful, and then having the power to create mass technological and critical growth within society and thought. But the system which advocates monopolies breeds further competition, meaning there is a constant cycle of ebb and flow. A completely cyclical society that is doomed to never move forward and simply change the face of the same issues. This is true of social and human behavior on a political, philosophical, and ideological plane as well.

As belief is ever changing, since it is completely subjective, we are in a constant state of static social existence. Religion grows and lessens. A new one begins and an old one becomes obsolete. But the principle of religion stays the same: a social institution that revolves around "faith" in the unproven and indefinable and, therefore cannot be debated or defeated with critical or factual thought. But religion itself isn't the problem; it's that society revolves around a religion-like respect for all personal belief, no matter how ridiculous. A man can believe that his cat is God and we are taught to be indifferent to it. To as simple as small racist beliefs like thinking someone born and raised in your city deserves a job more then someone who moves into your city from another culture. Our lives are made of these seemingly endless generalizations and they come in all shapes and sizes; in all generations and of all topics.

Perhaps we shouldn't begin with the mammoth that is "establishment". Perhaps toppling the centralized banking of Western nations is a little out of grasp now. Maybe blowing up religious relics and assassinating political figures creates a moment of freedom (which is relative) but it's short lived as they are instantly revived, replaced, and strengthened. I say we start with something else: adherence to education. To critical thought. I refuse to accept this idea as elitist because that implies that education and growth aren't necessary and THAT is ridiculous.

Let's start a movement that doesn't instantly consist of falling off the grid, becoming instantly self sufficient, or "defeating the powers that be". Let's start one that consists of an adherence to fact. To critical thought based on constant experience. Not belief based on age old assumption, generalized experiences, or uneducated opinion. Not a right to "believe whatever you want". Let's solidify by committing to becoming smarter, and recognizing that there is never going to be a time when someone is truly "smart" as knowledge is in evolution as we discover. Therefore we are adhering to consist growth rather then that of constant restriction and, therefore, fruitless debate.

I admit I know very little. But by making that the only thing I adhere to, that means I am completely open to all experiences and fact. Not a static school of thought that refuses outside interference like religion or politics or any institution created by man to define and separate completely through personal belief. One that recognizes the inevitable change and, instead of defending ourselves against it with rhetoric or sophist behavior, allows us to free ourselves from restriction.

We have the capability but no will. We have the technology but do not use it. We have the ideas but no forum. That begins by refusing to acknowledge faulty ideologies as acceptable. It will hurt, but identity is completely relative and is not static. We look at the Egyptian myths that generations of men observed as truth as absurd but all religious beliefs adhere to the same principals. Just like the technology of my grand father is now irrelevant for the most part. Identity, too, cannot be static or pushed in a direction lest it be false. Let's stop creating answers and start discovering them, or, at the least, allowing those that have already been discovered to create an environment of forward movement and change. Let's let go of belief as a means of sustainability, which is impossible, and adhere to fact.

Because will within belief does nothing; it changes nothing. It creates a static and friction based system and encourages the status quo. My ability to obsess over God's will, or political rhetoric, or whatever, doesn't change anything in the world around me but my own perception. It's internal. It's personal. It can't create an environment for the betterment of humanity. It is a selfish and ignorant system in which you have an "answer" - no matter how improbable and false it is - when you need one. It's lazy and self serving; no wonder we fail.

[continued...]

In a mood [Part V]

thespian86 — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 16:14:26 GMT

Winter '05 - Ra Ra Riot.

Orange lamps shine by willow bay
Ice covers from the lake to where I lay
In a state
In which I dream

If you were here
Winter wouldn't pass quite so slow
And if you were here
Then i'd have a choice to live not be alone

But instead I sit atop the crest
Looking down on the valley where the dead rest
And every morning I wake beside myself

But I digress

If you were here
Winter wouldn't pass quite so slow
And if you were here
Then i'd have a choice to live not be alone

If you were here
Winter wouldn't pass quite so slow
And if you were here
Then i'd have a choice to live not be alone

If you were here
Winter wouldn't pass quite so slow
And if you were here
Then i'd have a choice to live not be alone

[an explanation: In the winter of 2005 I was home from school. I was very sick; very ill. I couldn't think or use reason; nothing seemed logical. Things that are normal, everyday activities were frightening and daunting and overwhelming and confusing. I wasn't me, really.

that fall I was dating someone I loved very much and still care for and will always care for. That winter I was convinced I would die; I was, to be fair, having a psychotic episode. She saved my life. I'm still very much convinced of that. It was the single most romantic thing that anyone could do for me and I have since compared every person I meet, have met, or know, to her. She is an amazing person and I am grateful everyday that I met her. I wouldn't be me. My heart has a habit of not caring and it pretty much aches all the time when I'm not around her because she is so special. She is one of the things that makes my heart work.

So thank you. I'm lucky that way.]

[5/31]

In a mood [Part IV]

thespian86 — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 03:16:39 GMT

Don't Watch Me Dancing - Little Joy

Margarita has a strange appeal
sways between suitors on a broke heel
Of course her desires always messed up
She rather be scarred than scarred with love

In conversation she often content
Customs builds customs that have all dead-ends
She found her courage in a change of scene
The Sunday social would be short it's queen

All her best years spent distracted
By this tired re-enactments
With the right stuff
she would try her chances
Somewhere else

There he is a step outside of view
Presiding the words he hope she might persuit
Night upon night of faithful lie shore*
He only convinces legs across the floor

Please don't watch me dancing
oh no don't watch me dancing

Something changes when she glances
I'll have to teach you what romance is
With the right stuff
they tried their chances
Somewhere else

Please don't watch me dancing
don't watch me dancing
Please don't watch me dancing
don't watch me dancing

[an explanation: my whole generation suffers from depersonalization and illusion. I don't know why. I'm sure the canon of source information written by pundits and experts could explain it away. But talk is cheap and it doesn't change the animal. We are so sad. Lifeless.

The greatest moment captured, orchestrated, lit, choreographed, written, etc, in romance is also the simplest. A vicious dance rages. Vibrant colors paint the passion of the teens as they throw themselves violently around the room. Ignorance fuels their hate. And then it all fades. And two people, children for godsakes, slowly cross the room. This mania turns to elegance. It slows and he says: "You're not thinking I'm someone else?". "I know you are not". "Or that we have met before?". "I know we have not".

You're not making a joke?

I have not yet learned to joke that way. I think now I never will.

Don't Watch Me Dancing - although it has nothing to do with this scene - is our generation forgetting how to make that joke.]

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