Well, as I think about it while I sit in my car contemplating the dropped charges I had in Sampson county court in Clinton today I realize that I have never quite accomplished anything in my life. Least of all typing.

Ever since I was born I approached things with genuine curiousity and a desire to change whatever is in my way. Any and all obstacles presented to me lately have eluded my logic and reasoning. Everything I have achieved is because the issue presenting me with a blockade simply went away or resolved itself. And I have gotten far in life for an illiterate 21 year old. I cannot seem to actually work towards a goal and actually ... get it.

I am, however, an EXPERT at walking away from things. Parents induce soothing homicidal thoughts? Simple, move out = walk away. Hate people? Simple, live alone = walk away. Hate two jobs at walmart & KFC? Simple, get another job = walk away.

My formula is starting to break down. I am unable...

STOP BEING A CUNT. Listen man, you've been whining for the last couple of days with thoughts in your head running around like a chicken that's just been decapitated.

Get it to-fuckin'-gether!! Stop fuckin' around. This continues I won't buy you a TV. Not that that is very much an incentive in your point of view. You have next to no desire to better yourself. Look at the bedroom, clothes strewn all over. Kitchen still has last nights dishes in it and you sat at the computer watching Sunny in Philadelphia. You are aware you need a plan B in case the pay cut falls through. You are aware that you picked the evening shift so you can go to school right? Are you aware that you are fuckin' ILLETARATE?

Lately you have been poisoning yourself with illusions of a better well being. Why, just why didn't you stick with the simple thing? Simplicity worked fantastic for you. You didn't need the week off. You didn't need binge. Angie did not need the stupid laptop.
...

Meh? Why, no motivation. I'm trying to find a hobby but I come up with the "Why?" question in my head. Damn you squeeeb! Perhaps tommorrow will be different. I'll get into work early and leave early. Do laundry, clean up, then maybe go to a bar. OK, that was lie, I won't go to a bar. Maybe I'll drink at home, nope, don't think I'll do that either. I will however, abuse my latest thing, Tylenol PM.

It works fantastic and knocks me out within minutes. I'll eat more breakfast, more lunch, work out more. Yeah, maybe tommorrow'll be different ...

So I get back to work feeling like shit all over!! The assholes ask me to clock out and go chill out till my shift starts!! WTF am I supposed to do? What do normal people do with time on their hands?

I read some old threads on TFP, shift begins, and I begin working. Later today I spoke to my buddy and asked him why they were cutting overtime and I could feel him cringing when he said "we, erm, are under new regulations, so, no more OT till further notice".

I take a break and get out and start walking. Here's the thing. I work A LOT!! I do nothing else besides eat, and work. One paycheck handles entire month and a half bills while I stash the rest away. I'm not a smart worker, I'm a hard worker. And now the well's run dry.

I'm panicking. The highlight of my lunch breaks used to be spent walking the electronics section of any store and saying to myself, "I can buy that ..., I can buy that ..., I can buy that"!! My bills can...

Today, I acomplished nothing! I woke up in the morning despite a terrible work week looking forward to getting back to work. Last week they were sending people home. "No more overtime", they said. Motherfuckers.

I ate breakfast to have my uncrowned tooth aching again. The tooth was broken when I was 13 yrs old and my goddamn mother refused to have work done to it. It broke when I was running on pavement and fell. I blame her though, I asked her to get me out of that stupid school the minute I got there. I knew it was a terrible environment as soon as I got there.

I didn't want to have the tooth extracted because I was of the thought it could be saved by a crown. I lived with a molar that has been broken in quarters for 8 years waiting for the right dentist to come along. I have had butchers upon butchers of root canals performed on the bitch it brings tears to my eyes each and everytime I think about it.

So fast forward to today,...