Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community - Tilted Humor

A Winter Statistic

uncle phil — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 11:26:02 GMT

98% of american's say 'oh shit !' before going into ditch on a slippery road.

The other 2% are from vermont, maine or new hampshire and they say, 'hold my beer and watch this...'

The Parrot

uncle phil — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 11:12:12 GMT

The parrot really had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally though, John was fed up, and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot, and the parrot got angrier and more rude!

In desperation, John threw up his hands, grabbed the bird, and put him in the freezer!

For a few minutes the parrot squawked, kicked and screamed... then suddenly there was total silence! Not a peep was heard for over a minute!

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions... I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions, and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude!

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

Ah So

uncle phil — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 11:11:53 GMT

Two Australian businessmen in Brisbane were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with no stock and only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling' .

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Japanese tourist walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Japanese accent asked 'What you sell?'

One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling ass-holes.'

Without skipping a beat, the Japanese man said, 'You doing velly well, only two left!'

Anal

uncle phil — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 11:16:33 GMT

A woman went to her doctor for advice.

She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.

'Do you enjoy it?' The doctor asked.

'Actually, yes, I do...'

''Does it hurt you?' he asked.

'No. I rather like it...'

''Well, then,' the doctor continued, 'there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.'

The woman was mystified... 'What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?'

'Of course, ' the doctor replied. 'Where do you think politicians come from.'

Late one night

mjby2 — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 13:39:58 GMT

There was this tipsy husband ...

who kinda tip toed up the stairs. He was careful not to step with full weight on boards that might squeek.
Sat down on the top step...removed shoes, socks, britches, etc., and snuck into the bed room.
He eased the sheet back and, considering the circumstances, slid into bed as gently as possible.
Ideas pertaining to bedroom gymnastics began to filter into what brain cells that were still active.

These ideas were followed by tentative exploratory touchy/feely excursions...
They were responded to.

Wind was taken from his sails when the lady replied, " I don't know who you are Big Boy, but please get on with it.

My husband should be staggering home in a few minutes.'

Dear Abby - 11

uncle phil — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 11:13:48 GMT

Dear Abby,

You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

Out Of Town

uncle phil — Sun, 15 Nov 2009 11:11:00 GMT

Last week I checked into my hotel in Buffalo and was a bit lonely. I thought, I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone books like escorts and such. I picked up the phone book and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs... Well, you get the picture!

I figured, what the heck, give her a call.

'Hello,' the woman says...God, she sounded sexy.

Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in. 'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything! Now, how does that sound?'

She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.'

Dear Abby - 10

uncle phil — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 11:05:13 GMT

Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through mental pause...

Talking Lab

uncle phil — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 11:10:50 GMT

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.'

Favorite SNL / MadTV skits of all time?

woo�s — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 15:32:08 GMT

http://www.slashcontrol.com/free-tv-...itter-critters

dammit, finding clips that will embed properly may be harder than I thought :/

Dear Abby - 9

uncle phil — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 11:08:50 GMT

Dear Abby,

I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober...

Your Sins Will Find You Out

uncle phil — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 11:09:41 GMT

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again, all was quiet. Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

Dear Abby - 8

uncle phil — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 11:07:52 GMT

Dear Abby,

My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy...

If science fiction were real ...

Xerxys — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 04:02:55 GMT

... Peter Parker would be taken a lot less seriously!

D-Con Commercials

woo�s — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 15:54:28 GMT

I love these:

YouTube - d-CON ads