*Nikki*

Literally until I was in my early 30's I never gave my weight much thought. I am tall, so if anything people were always telling me I was too thin. Being tall made it seem that way I guess, I was however the correct weight for my height. Well since the 30's have come along and I had a baby, so much has changed. First I went through a lot to lose the "baby weight". Now I have found that even though I am back where I was before I got pregnant, I can gain weight so much easier then before. I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted. So I have become pretty obsessed with my weight and I really don't like how I look in pictures when I compare myself to pre-baby and pre-marriage. This has in turn really lowered my self esteem. I feel resigned to being a frumpy stay at home mom, and I feel like food and my weight control me now.

I don't get a ton of exercise and I don't really seem to care! I was doing it hardcore but then it just kinda got boring to me. I have such a hard time sticking with anything!

__________________
"not all who wander are lost"

Laugh-O-Matic

I am weight conscious. i used to be into sports when I was younger, and after I joined college, I quit it altogether. All the muscle I had built up during those years just turned into puppy fat and it's a real b*tch to burn it off.

I avoid doing weights since they'd only make me more bulky. I veer towards cardio, usually on the elliptical trainers and the cycle, and do yoga for an hour or so daily.

@Nikki: Same here. I went with all gusto to the gym for a few weeks, and then I started getting irritated. I try to eat a healthy meal, but chocolates are just too tempting!

__________________
How you bore me, Florrie,
With those eyes of vacant blue;
You'll be very sorry, Florrie
If I marry you.
Though I'm easy-goin', Florrie,
This I swear is true,
I'll throw you down a quarry, Florrie,
If I marry you. - Saki.

diddagirl

Aghh.... seems like I have spent almost my entire life being consumed with my weight. After my parents divorce when I was a child...I think I turned to food as comfort...and so my struggles with weight began. When I hit puberty, I seemed to naturally grow out of my chubiness and was thrilled with my new naturally thin body. After high school...everything changes. The weight just went on faster and faster and it seemed I took longer to notice.... next thing you know, I am 40 plus pounds overweight. After alot of failed efforts and some will power... I am back at a weight I am fairly happy with, but would feel super hot within myself if I was about 10-15 pounds lighter.
I swear- do any guys ever spend this much of their life obsessing with their weight?

__________________
"Is it so small a thing to have enjoyed the sun, to have lived long in the spring, to have loved, to have thought, to have done."
-Matthew Arnold

onesnowyowl

I'm not really conscious of my weight, per se--I'm conscious of how I feel. When I got really heavy, too many things started going wrong with my body. I felt awful when I hit my top weight, and feeling so ucky and talking to the doctor about it made me realize how unhappy I was to be at that weight. I was depressed, and my doctor's number one suggestion was to start exercising. So I started doing that. And then I realized that my acid reflux disease needed attention beyond just popping pills, because the pills weren't working, and started paying much closer attention to how I ate in order to combat that. Weight loss was also recommended in that situation, and to correct spinal lordosis caused by too much weight through my belly pulling on my spine. So I lost weight for health reasons.

Now I've hit a new set point, and my body has adjusted to that. I could lose more, but I'm not really motivated to do so--I feel good as is. I weigh myself occasionally, when I feel like it. My health issues are largely gone. I'm physically fit and active. I don't think I could go back to the way I was; I don't want to ever feel like that again, now that I know what it feels like to feel really good.

__________________
If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

Jenna

To summarize: I try and wish I wasn't concerned about it as I am.

It's gotten a lot better over time, but it's still an ongoing struggle. I think I struggle between meeting beauty standards and enjoying myself. I somehow think my life would be so much better if I was thinner, but yet I love eating good food and I really hate most exercises (running, jogging, etc).

I guess what it'll boil down to is my health. Right now, I'm considered slightly overweight. Do I want to live my life unhealthy like that? I just don't know if it's worth it.

creepysusie

For me, it has been a never ending battle with my weight. I grew up in an Asian house hold. My mother had merely told me to get me to get more exercise and not eat so much junk as a child. But even though she was obsessive about that, it were really my aunts on my mother's side that have dished out the most abuse towards the weight issue.

I was always the tallest, so i was heavier than the girls, even the older ones. But with them, it was always a contest to see, "who had the prettiest daughter" and I always came in dead last, except in my mother's eyes.
Since I was 7, I retreated to food for comfort and most of my teen years, my average weight made me feel disgusting, and have resorted to binge eating and bulimia.

Yeah, I definately have problems with my weight. Even now and again, when I'm depressed or sad, I will resort to purging as an escape. It's tough, but hey, i'm much better at managing my problems now, than I was before. Mainly because I refuse to associate with my shallow aunts now.

Even now, I know I am overweight, but I don't sweat it. I eat what I want when I want. But not in a fashion that would be considered over eating. I'm trying to get more exercise in my routine, since my boyfriend bought me half of my road bike, and surprisingly enough, I love it.

I'm just happier accepting myself than have other people worry or critisize it.

KRM28152

Oh yes, I do obsess about my weight. Growing up, I was a chubby child, tipping the scales at about 140 when I graduated high school.

When I went to college, I was determined to lose the weight and I did, getting down to 125.

Then through a series of unrelated events (meeting my SO, quitting the job that kept me running all night and moving to a desk position, walking around campus 3-4 a night on the phone, working out 30 mins a day...blah blah) I gained it all back. Now, I'm 150 lbs and I hate it.

I've tried working out, but it never works fast enough for me and I get discouraged. Then, as a student, there's always something to do so eating healthy is harder.

We'll see, maybe.

__________________

“I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.”

merleniau

I get concerned about my weight when I feel like I LOOK chubby. When my clothes don't fit as well, I start to feel really crappy.

I was working out hardcore with a personal trainer for my last three months at school. I didn't lose weight (actually gained about 8 lbs in muscle), but I got a smaller waist and I looked better. I felt great.

Now, I work almost 60 hours a week (two jobs) and I hardly have time to have sex with my boyfriend or ride my horses, which are my primary forms of exercise (other than working at the barn) at the moment. It's a bit depressing to have lost the drive to go to the gym, but I just don't have the time, since my commute is 45 minutes to an hour every day. I'm still hoping to find a gym on the way to/from work so I can stop for a 30 minute workout a few days a week on my way home.. it will make me feel a lot better about myself. Crompsin notices the difference in me when I exercise vs. when I don't.

And personally.. I find I get more out of lifting weights than cardio. I usually do a 10 minute warmup on a treadmill and then work large muscle groups, rather than smaller "detail" muscles.. leg press, hamstring curls, chest (bench press/butterfly), back (row, some free weight stuff too), arms, and abs. It was really good for me.. I wish my personal trainer was still around to kick my ass.

__________________
"Without passion man is a mere latent force and possibility, like the flint which awaits the shock of the iron before it can give forth its spark."
— Henri-Frédéric Amiel

little_tippler

I'm a little paranoid about my weight since at 17 I had to take cortizone for a time and it totally changed my body. Everyone now says I'm still really thin, but I used to be like a rake, and liked it. I used to be able to eat anything and not gain an ounce. Now I have to watch what I eat...not a lot, but enough that it bothers me. I also have a huge appetite...though in the past few years I have learned to control it, and can't eat as much as I could before - which is a good thing.

It doesn't help that some of my closest friends are thinner than me and very attractive. I just want to fit in! Heh.

I get a little paranoid sometimes. It's not that I'm worried what other people think. But to feel good about myself, I'd definitely lose a few more pounds around my middle. Then I'd be happy - I know so because last summer I was a few pounds thinner and I felt pretty awesome.

I hate gyms but have tried on and off to stick with that. Now I work out at home and go surfing instead. Treadmills are so boring. Surfing is an excellent full body workout...I always come out of the water beat. I'm sure if I could do it more often I'd be a lot more toned pretty fast. As it is, I'll settle for not looking half bad with my clothes on.

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

abaya

I've never been terribly concerned about my weight, though I think that's mostly because anytime I start to hover above my set point, I increase my exercise and tone down my food intake and get it to a healthy level. So I've never been overweight, though I've never been skinny, either. I just feel fine about my body, overall, and I self-regulate pretty successfully (so far).

However, right now (about to turn 29) I'm rather terrified of what having kids will do to my body. Not just the tearing and stretching of my vagina (oh yay), but to my metabolism and body type overall. Strong and stocky genes are dominant in my family, and while that's served me well until now (I'm proud of being athletic and able to demand a lot from my body, rather than being a fragile waif), all the women in my family got bigger after their children were born. Some of them are still extremely active and athletic, but they look chubby, bordering on fat. It makes me want to avoid the whole pregnancy thing right now, and just adopt.

I suppose it doesn't really help that the only thing ktspktsp admits to being a turn-off for him would be weight gain. He doesn't care if I don't shave my legs or haven't plucked my eyebrows for weeks, or if I have a wart on my foot or am having a bad hair season... so I guess I can stop being insecure about those things! But he said that weight gain tends to be a big deal for men--which is honest, but terribly frustrating, since it seems to be one of those universal things that women struggle with, especially after childbirth. I mean, talk about irony, eh?

I can see if someone is just "letting themselves go," that of course it might have some consequences in the bedroom/attraction factor. That's just laziness. But if someone is working out regularly, eating well, and still looks rather beefy (like my aunts do--Icelandic genes, somewhat like German women)... what is a woman supposed to do? She goes through pregnancy, gives birth to children, and is still expected to have the body of a 22 year old for the rest of her life?

Personally, I don't mind the bodies of my aunts and relatives at all. I think it's fine that their bodies look like that, after all they've put them through to that point. If someone is 50 years old and able to climb a mountain with no problems because she is in such good health, after raising several children to boot, then why should she have to make herself look 22 just to be "attractive" to her man? As if all the other things added up don't mean anything in terms of "attraction?" I really don't get it.

I'll feel lucky if I am as strong and active as my aunts are today. And you should see their husbands! Talk about unattractive... who cares about physically (they look fine), their personalities are horrible, they're anti-social as hell, can't make a conversation to save their lives. And yet, somehow it's justifiable for a man to think, "I'm visual, which means that I might not feel like fucking you if you get fat, even if that's due to carrying and raising our children." If all the women in the world were to make statements like that about their men, about how "unattractive" their mates' personalities become after a certain age... well! Our species wouldn't get very far, would it?

/off my soapbox... this topic has just got me riled up lately.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

merleniau

Ohhh, the man and I spoke about this before, too. Honestly, I don't see myself gaining a ton of weight through pregnancy (and I only really want one child, so hopefully the "multiple children in a limited amount of time limiting chances of weight loss" thing won't apply), but it really upsets me to think that a man whose child I would carry wouldn't want to have sex with me after (and during?) pregnancy until I lost the weight associated with it. Having a child is hard enough on a person's mind and body, rejection wouldn't really increase motivation to get back into shape after such an ordeal, in my opinion.

I have beefy shoulders and arms (seriously, shirts that fit my waist almost NEVER fit my arms), as well as a round butt, and it worries me that I may be predisposed to get chubby in those areas after I have a child. Pregnancy scares me.. but at least I have quite a while before I will seriously need to think about it.

__________________
"Without passion man is a mere latent force and possibility, like the flint which awaits the shock of the iron before it can give forth its spark."
— Henri-Frédéric Amiel

onesnowyowl

Wow, abaya and merleniau--your posts make me sort of glad that when I met my SO I was fat and have since lost the weight, so he had to get to know the fat me first. He's made it clear that he doesn't care what weight I am so long as I am happy with myself.

Men need to understand that the body changes irrevocably during pregnancy and birth. Yes, you can get back to being in shape and looking good, but it takes time. Real women aren't like actresses you see looking fine two weeks after birth--we don't have legions of personal trainers to whip us into shape and we don't have chefs to whip us up special whatever-the-diet-of-the-moment-is meals. What I want to know is if the father wants the mother to work out so badly, is he going to step up and make sure she has the time and energy to do so? Because I know what it's like to take care of children--including newborns--for hours a day, and it can be exhausting. It's a workout in and of itself. After a full day of that, and doing it day after day after day--no, you don't want to go to the gym.

__________________
If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

abaya

Exactly.

If we're going to start making demands on our spouses to "be" a certain way before/after children, I think women have a *LOT* more room to make demands on equalizing the child-rearing process. I'm not saying that ALL men contribute less to the whole child-raising process than women do (I know a few stay-at-home dads, who are awesome), but in general, I think most people recognize that women get stuck with more child-rearing burdens than men do. Most women's bodies and careers take serious hits, not to mention the sleep schedule (at least while breast-feeding).

So sure, I'll work out hard-core for a year before and after having a child, if the man's willing to drop out of his career for that same amount of time and take a part-time job at the bookstore in order to be around for more child-care responsibilities, and let me earn the big bucks and make my ass attractive again at the gym while he changes diapers and listens to a wailing mouth all day and night.

Yeah, can anyone tell that I STILL don't want children yet?!? And that's fine. The only solution I can see is the way they do it in Iceland... both man and woman get equal amounts of paid leave after the birth (3-6 months minimum, EACH!). That's never going to happen in the US, unfortunately.

And yes, once again... precisely.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

Eweser

I come from a family where everything revolved around food. It was our social gathering. When I was growing up I was incredibly active and could eat anything I wanted whenever I wanted. My mom warned me that when I quit being so active it would catch up to me, but I didn't listen. After I stopped playing softball in college, I slowly started putting on the pounds. It was so slow that last year I got up to 164 (on a 5' 4" frame) pounds and started getting depressed by the way I looked, especially in pictures. I started a body building diet at the end of July and have gotten down to 139; but more importantly I have decreased my body fat by almost half (30+ to 17.5).

I'm not worried so much by the scale as how I feel and how my clothes fit. I'd like to get down to 16% body fat so I can get into that bikini by the end of summer , but I just feel so much better physically and mentally. I have more confidence in myself now, which I know shouldn't be the way it is, but it is.

I have learned enough about myself to know that I will struggle with my weight and image my whole life. But since I have lost the amount I have in the past year, I don't feel as though I'll never be able to control it. I've proven to myself I have the willpower to make it happen.

On the SO: he's so awesome.

I was fit when we got together, then got heavy. He never said a negative word about it. When I decided to try to lose the fat, I asked him what he thought and warned him our meals might be different. He said whatever I wanted to do, he would go with me on. We've found a lot of meals that we both like.

__________________
"Whoever wrote this episode should die!"

*Nikki*

Pregnancy really does a number on your body. I know that there are woman out there who look just as great if not better after having a baby, but those are few and far in between. I never really had any of these issues at all until I gave birth. I mean you can't have your skin strectched that taunt for that long and not have some repercussions. I had a very tight, firm build everywhere on me I am lucky that I did not get stretch marks on my stomach but I do have them on the sides of my breasts. This is not really noticeable at all unless I am naked and even then is not that bad. The main thing that bothers me is my stomach. It was so flat and even now with weight loss I have realized it will never ever be like it was.
The thing is, this problem I have with my body and weight is all me. My husband loves how I look and tells me all the time. He has never ever complained and in fact tells me he likes the little more meat on my bones I HATE IT THOUGH. I want to go back to being super thin!!!

__________________
"not all who wander are lost"

abaya

By the way, I should amend my post to say that this would be my hypothetical response to the hypothetical situation of a man demanding that I get in good shape and stay in good shape before/after the baby, in order to make sure I remained "attractive" to him.

However, on my own initiative (something I have thought about long before being with a guy), I would rather just be in good shape years before having a kid, because I'd rather bring my kid into the world from a healthy body. Hence why I try and make the gym a regular thing NOW, and intend to keep it that way for as long as possible into the future (just returned from running a 5K at midnight in Iceland, woo-hoo!), for my own sake as well as my future kids'.

My only issue with this whole deal is a guy making weight loss a "requirement" for attraction, when one is already trying hard enough to stay in good shape, but might not have the build or the bones to be "skinny." I never have, and I doubt that's going to reverse itself after children!... but if for whatever reason I do end up gaining some weight after pregnancy, I am slightly afraid of a decrease in being attractive to my husband, and that bothers me right now. What if, for whatever reason, no matter how hard I work out, I can't get back to how I used to look? I don't like the fact that this should ever matter.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

abaya

Where are all the ladies? I'm surprised at how few responses there are to this thread so far...

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

little_tippler

I think possibly we're all cringing...

and unsure what to say. Because most of us have felt this insecurity with guys before.

I know how you feel abaya. I have been there. Not married, but in the same dilemma of thinking "why should this even matter?" yet knowing it does... and the more I thought about it, the more it was hurtful and made me sick.
I think this is mostly true in young couples. I don't see why it should be quite as relevant as it seems to currently be.

All I can say is how I'd feel if it was turned around. What if my partner gained weight and was unable to lose it straight away, or ever?

Ok, context is of some importance here. Though when I like someone, I like them, full stop. Nobody's perfect...some people will turn you on more, visually, than others. I do think that once you get to know someone well, it's the whole package that grabs you, and makes you want them more completely. For example, you could have two identical twins and one could be your boyfriend but it's clear which one will turn you on most...the one who knows you and that you know best. The one who makes you laugh and can't keep his hands off you. The one who you can talk to for hours on end and seems to know your thoughts.

So if this amazing guy I was into, gained a little weight, I wouldn't hold it against him, I'm sure. I'm not talking suddenly obese...though it could happen. I still have a hard time thinking I'd drop the guy just for that. I'd more likely break up over personality changes or changes in personal goals than I would over appearance. Because bodies change...men's also of course.

I know myself...when I like someone, it takes a lot for me to go off them so strongly - usually the deal breaker is if they are causing me harm. When I feel a strong connection with someone, I want them to be happy, and hope they feel that I'm there for them when they need me. I am willing to be totally supportive as I hope they will be of me. It really isn't as hard as people make it out to be. You just need to be a little less self-centered.

Ialso think if a partner is feeling frail, or depressed, or does not have the strength to achieve a particular goal at a particular phase of their life, that I'm willing to accept them as they are anyway. Relationships take effort...but I think that just because someone doesn't do x or y bcause you expect them to should automatically mean that they don't care enough for the relationship to be meaningful to them. I hate it when people assume that.

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

ngdawg

To this and the others thinking if they work out before pregnancy, they'll be in better shape after....
I belonged to a gym, was in fantastic shape, then got pregnant.....end of nice abs, nice butt, nice anything. As a friend told me when I lamented my huge middle after giving birth, "It took nine months to get that big, did you really think you'd get back to where you were right after?" Well, yea....
If your man loves you for your bodyshape, he's not worthy of your love. Granted, I think we all have an obligation to be the best we can for our mates, but that goes both ways.

I'm tall and until my mid-30's, I was skinny. Eight years after my pregnancy, I managed to get skinny again. In the past 11 months, because of my job change and visits to many diners, I have gained 18 lbs. But I don't intend on losing it all, just 10, but now that I'm older, it's impossible. I go down three, get in a mood and eat them back on. I seem to have plateaued as I haven't gained any MORE weight, but it'd be nice to not have to adjust the jeans while pulling them on, plus tight clothes exacerbates my IBS. My guys love me as I am, so the fretting is all mine. One even sent me the song "Get Over It" by the Eagles.
We want to be perfect because that's what media tells us our men want. But, if they love us, we already are.

abaya

For the record, I am not the one suggesting that I will be in better (or even similar) shape after pregnancy. I'm fully aware that my shape will change, most likely permanently... I don't have a problem with that, or at least I *didn't* have a problem with that. But a lot of men do. Not sure if you misread what I said, but that's the very idea I *disagree* with.

Personally, I'd like to be able to have a baby and *hopefully* have the time to work out, but also not feel insecure about my sex appeal if I don't have the time... and end up looking like 90% of real-world mothers out there (which is, extra pounds--not obese, but never going to be skinny again, that's for sure). I would like to accept and welcome my body for what it's going to be after the ordeal of a pregnancy or two, or three... and why is that so hard for some men to reconcile with "sexiness?" Again, I just don't get it.

I love the ancient idea of a woman's body being attractive if it had some extra weight on it (again, not obese--but extra pounds), because it signified fertility and health. I don't think anyone should be encouraged to remain fat, but if it's due to circumstances like pregnancy and child-rearing... well, can we pull our heads out of our asses a bit and have some respect for that body, instead of repulsion and rejection?

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

*Nikki*

Actually I think the only men that would have a problem with a woman who has extra weight after childbirth have never been with a woman who had a child!! I mean come on,