Brewmaniac

As I was checking my 401(k) account and thinking about retirement, I saw an article about nursing and retirement homes.
Then it hit me. No nursing home for me!
Here is my plan: I'm checking into the Holiday Inn.
With the average cost for a nursing home reaching $188 per day, there is a better way when we get old and feeble. I have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn. For a combined long-term stay discount and senior discount, it's $49.23 per night. That leaves $138.77 a day for breakfast, lunch, dinner in any restaurant I want, or room service. It also will leave enough for laundry, gratuities, and special TV movies. Plus, I'll get a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, and washer and dryer. I'll also get free toothpaste, razors, shampoo and soap. And I'll be treated like a customer, not a patient.
Five dollars worth of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling. There is a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The handicap bus will also pick me up if I fake a decent limp. Ride the church bus free on Sundays. For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you're at the airport, fly somewhere.
Meanwhile, the cash keeps building up.
It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. On the other hand, Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And you are not stuck in one place forever -- you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city. Want to see Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn there, too. TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything and apologize for the inconvenience.
The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks if you are OK. If not, they will call the undertaker or an ambulance. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.
And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to visit you, and probably check in for a mini-vacation. The grandkids can use the pool. What more can you ask for?
When I discussed my plan with friends, they came up with even more benefits that Holiday Inn provides retirees. Most standard rooms have coffee makers, reclining chairs, and satellite TV -- all you need to enjoy a cozy afternoon.
After a movie and a good nap, you can check on your children (free local phone calls), then take a stroll to the lounge or restaurant where you meet new and exotic people every day.
Many Holiday Inns even feature live entertainment on the weekends. Often they have special offers, too, like the Kids Eat Free program. You can invite your grandkids over after school to have a free dinner with you. Just tell them not to bring more than three friends. Pick a Holiday Inn where they allow pets, and your best friend can keep you company as well. If you want to travel, but are a bit skittish about unfamiliar surroundings, you'll always feel at home because wherever you go, the rooms all look the same. And if you're getting a little absent-minded in your old days, you never have to worry about not finding your room -- your electronic key fits only one door and the helpful bellman or desk clerk is on duty 24/7. Being natural skeptics, we called a Holiday Inn to check out the feasibility of my plan. I'm happy to report that they were positively giddy at the idea of us checking in for a year or more. They even offered to negotiate the rate. We could have easily knocked them down to $40 a night! So, when I reach the golden age I'll face it with a grin.
Just forward all your emails to the Holiday Inn!

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"That's a joke... I say, that's a joke, son"
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" Personal Tolerance, Empathy & Love toward fellow human beings, is the first step in healing this fractured world!" - Me

Halx

Using your money wisely. I'm on board.

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- Hal(x)
"But suppose everybody on our side felt that way."
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[Read Me]

Bill O'Rights

Hmmmm...

Well...I have heard worse retirement ideas.

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"I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do because I notice it always coincides with their own desires." - Susan B. Anthony

"Hedonism with rules isn't hedonism at all, it's the Republican party." - JumpinJesus

It is indisputable that true beauty lies within...but a nice rack sure doesn't hurt.

inBOIL

The liability issue may cause them to rethink long-term stays for old people.

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Life is like playing the violin solo in public and learning the instrument as you go.

ASU2003

I have lived in Holiday Inn for 3 months last year (all over the world) and 2 months this year already. I didn't pay for it, but the free breakfast gets repetitive after a while. Overall, it was a good deal to have maid service, gym, pool, hot tub, breakfast, free internet, and other perks. You do get lots of points for free nights or free stuff. I could have spent 30 days free overseas in Australia,New Zealand, Europe or a bunch of other Holiday Inns last winter during their 5,000 point a night deal.

SSJTWIZTA

this doesnt sound like a bad idea at all!

clever.

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First they came for the Jews and I did not speak out because I was not a Jew.
Then they came for the communists and I did not speak out because I was not a communist.
Then they came for the trade unionists and I did not speak out because I was not a trade unionist
Then they came for me And there was no one left to speak out for me.
-Pastor Martin Niemoller

genuinegirly

This needs to be added to the Tilted Frugality thread!

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"violence is no more or less real than non-violence. " roachboy

Cynthetiq

hmmmm you must have stayed at a Holiday Inn Express because you got smarter and thought this all out!

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I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, Indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Independent, either you're an asshole or you're not.

SSJTWIZTA

Ha!

__________________
First they came for the Jews and I did not speak out because I was not a Jew.
Then they came for the communists and I did not speak out because I was not a communist.
Then they came for the trade unionists and I did not speak out because I was not a trade unionist
Then they came for me And there was no one left to speak out for me.
-Pastor Martin Niemoller

twistedmosaic

I knew this sounded familiar!

According to snopes, this email has been going around for a while (since 2003), then slowly morphed into a 'cruise ship' version. The funny thing is, there actually are a few people who have retired on cruise ships, though no evidence they have retired at Holiday Inn.

I seem to remember someone telling me that a few people had retired at a Marriott, though.

snopes.com: Retirement on Cruise Ship

uncle phil

holiday inn express is NOT cheap!!!

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- Robert S. McNamara
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We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
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you both get dirty;
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