Walmart Diet - Tilted Forum Project - TFP - Sexuality, Philosophy and Political Discussion

uncle phil · 09-19-2008, 02:12 PM

Yesterday I was at my local Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Sheriff, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

Walmart won't let me in anymore----

grumpyolddude · 09-19-2008, 02:43 PM

A beaut, phil. thanks.

Cervantes · 09-20-2008, 03:40 PM

Gave a good laugh, very witty ending.

genuinegirly · 09-20-2008, 04:52 PM

hehe.
That's pretty dang hilarious.

Tully Mars · 09-20-2008, 07:33 PM

Didn't see that coming.

Xerxys · 09-21-2008, 05:06 PM

OK, will try that one day.

09-19-2008, 02:12 PM	#1 (permalink)
uncle phil comfortably numb... Super Moderator Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: pasco county	Walmart Diet Yesterday I was at my local Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Sheriff, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both. Walmart won't let me in anymore---- __________________ "We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done." - Robert S. McNamara ----------------------------------------- "We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches... We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles." - Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message" ----------------------------------------- never wrestle with a pig. you both get dirty; the pig likes it.

09-19-2008, 02:43 PM	#2 (permalink)
grumpyolddude Deliberately unfocused Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: Amazon.com and CDBaby	A beaut, phil. thanks. __________________ "Regret can be a harder pill to swallow than failure .With failure you at least know you gave it a chance..." David Howard

09-20-2008, 03:40 PM	#3 (permalink)
Cervantes Psycho Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Above you	Gave a good laugh, very witty ending. __________________ "Philosophy is questions that may never be answered. Religion is answers that may never be questioned.." "Religions take everything that your DNA naturally wants to do to survive and pro-create and makes it wrong."

09-20-2008, 04:52 PM	#4 (permalink)
genuinegirly Force-Strong Moderator Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: 805	hehe. That's pretty dang hilarious. __________________ "violence is no more or less real than non-violence. " roachboy

09-20-2008, 07:33 PM	#5 (permalink)
Tully Mars Will fly for it Moderator Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Yucatan	Didn't see that coming. __________________ Vice President Starkizzer Fan Club People are always bitching about getting what they deserve... I think if they did they'd be greatly disappointed. Me

09-21-2008, 05:06 PM	#6 (permalink)
Xerxys Crazy Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: My Head!!	OK, will try that one day. __________________ You are wise, you only fear fear itself. -Remus Lupin, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.