CinnamonGirl

My boyfriend and I were having a discussion on relationships in general, and it came up that he thinks, to a certain degree, everyone has to settle. No one is a perfect match, and there's always going to be something that you have to overlook/get used to/come to terms with.

Maybe it's because I read too many fairy tales growing up, or maybe I've seen too many movies, but this just doesn't make sense to me. I can see having to compromise, but settling just seems so...mundane to me. If you have to settle, you just aren't getting everything out of life (or your relationship) that you can.

Am I too optomistic? Is he too cynical? DO you think "settling" is something everyone must eventually do in a relationship?

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thingstodo

I sure hope not!! I've been married to the same woman for 33 years and I don't feel I settled.

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onesnowyowl

My significant other completes me in ways no other person could. I didn't "settle" into this relationship. I love him despite the fact he's a vegetarian, a Pacific Green, and a Nader fan. Those things are inconsequential in comparison to how he cares for me, loves me, and moreover, puts up with me.

We all must eventually compromise in our relationships in order to sustain them, but that is not settling. That is deciding that you have something worth working for.

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TheoryWeary

First a logical point, if you settle for the best person you can find, you are getting everything that you can get. In other words, perfection may be unachievable. I'm not terribly thrilled to promote that, but i must admit it nonetheless. I also know that you said it in the idealistic sense that everything you can get is getting the perfect person for you, whether or not he exists.

I do not think anyone can be happy in a relationship for terribly long if they believe they settled. At the same time, i think that notion can be dispelled relatively quickly if the relationship starts going well. The question would be if it creeps back as time passes.

I feel theres a diminishing return of sorts on being overly picky who your significant other is, because even "settling" slightly into a relationship is usually preferable to being alone. Life is short; there must be some balance between holding out for the ultimate best, and enjoying what is available in the meantime. While that is a motivator to start relationships, it also serves to end them.

Perhaps most realistically, what are we defining as "settling"? No one is perfect, we will always be able to find a flaw with pretty much anyone. The key would be if those "flaws" are important. People say "I love him for his weaknesses" etc, and I am skeptical. I want to love someone for their strengths, but nonetheless, they will have weaknesses. Maybe those are endearing in themselves or maybe they are merely inconsequential; either way it would not appear that I settled to be with that person.

You may say "someone who is perfect for me not perfect in general, but i feel my above paragraph still holds equally true. In the strictest sense, that is the very definition of settling, but then it seems unavoidable to all but the hopeless romantic. We can do better?

Jinn

Yes. The only person who will do what you want 100% of the time is yourself. You'll never find another individual who at some point displeases you. Everyone settles.

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TheoryWeary

Off topic, but i wouldn't even be that generous.

ratbastid

Look, there's the idealistic flowers-and-fairy-dust view of love that there's one magic perfect person out there who will never ever ever piss you off. Dream land. That's just not going to happen where human beings are involved.

Accepting that, knowing it, and developing a relationship that's strong enough to weather it is NOT the same thing as settling.

Martian

No.

Yes.

My current relationship is too new to draw any real long-term conclusions, but one thing I am certain of is that I am not settling in any way, shape or form. I've had countless opportunities to settle for less than my ideal, but decided that I preferred to wait for something more. It seems to have paid off.

She's not perfect, but then again neither am I.

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jewels

Only if expectations are too high.

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Cynthetiq

No not everyone settles. Some of them missed their opportunity for any long term relationships because they weren't willing to compromise small things, or even have realistic expectations of what people or a relationship should be.

They want the perfect girl/guy, but aren't willing to put the effort to being the perfect catch either. They are not givers, but takers when it comes to close relationships. I consider some of these long time single friends, undatable. I cannot even recommend them to some of the really nice single girls that I know.

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ASU2003

I think the question should be "Should you settle?"

I know what type of girl I would like and would be happy with. There are plenty of them out there that pass the attractiveness test. Not so many pass the personality test.

I also think people need to raise their expectations and requirements a little bit.

World's King

I've settled before.


And I'm sure I'll do it again.


But right now I'm happy with what I have.

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wez312

So settle while waiting to find that 'perfect' someone?

lotsofmagnets

wouldn´t it be boring if you found the perfect person? no difference of opinion, always doing exactly what you want all the time. i think parallels can be drawn to a thread i think in philosophy about free choice in heaven.
-----Added 4/9/2008 at 10 : 48 : 05-----
and here it is:

heaven and hell would be boring

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she shed her mountain turning training wheels, for the convenience of the moving sidewalk, that delivers the magnetic monkey children through the mouth of impossible calendar clock, into the devil's manhole cauldron.
physics of a bicycle, isn't it remarkable?

curiousbear

I dont have all what I want, but I am settled. I cannot expect too much from life neither can I meet all of my gf's expectations. And life doesnt stop with your spouse. You can share your interests with friends, rest of family too. So do the SO. I think there should be some free space (not gap) between you. If you expect everything from the SO and build your whole life around him/her then I agree it gets very difficult.

If you do everything together then there will be nothing to tell or listen amoung yourselves

If you are talking about appearance, personality and physical expectations... I dont know what to say

How ever I dont think everyone settles.

Willravel

There's no such thing as perfect, but that's okay. I think "settle" isn't quite the right way to put it. I'd say "I found the person for me".

abaya

Yes. It would be absolutely boring. An interview I read from back in college (by Stanley Hauerwas, theology prof at Duke, if I remember correctly) had a quote that went something like this...

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anti fishstick

i don't know. i think my concept of relationships, in general, is pretty immature right now... and I've been in a relationship for 5 years. I am not sure if I'm settling in this relationship or not... I don't think I am, but who knows. I don't have many answers. Just lots of questions.

I like what onesnow said:
We all must eventually compromise in our relationships in order to sustain them, but that is not settling. That is deciding that you have something worth working for.

That being said, I DON'T think it's good to settle. It's important to me to find a complementary relationship that works, and is able to withstand ups and downs. Nothing is perfect, but if you can weather the tough times, and grow together, then that's good enough for me. And that doesn't mean I'm settling.

This reminds me of an article I read once: Marry Him!

The case on marrying Mr. Good Enough (settling). Completely disagree. The article pisses me off, and yeah...

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curiousbear

In university, I had a concept in mind. That is to find a soul mate, but live alone. Both to have our own homes, careers, interests, friends etc. And then we meet each other in our homes or out side. my friends criticized it so bad I stop talking about it completely.

lotsofmagnets

i met a spanish woman who was of the unshakable belief that this was the only way a relationship could be successful. mind you she´d been married more than once...

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mother nature made the aeroplane, and the submarine sandwich, with the steady hands and dead eye of a remarkable sculptor.
she shed her mountain turning training wheels, for the convenience of the moving sidewalk, that delivers the magnetic monkey children through the mouth of impossible calendar clock, into the devil's manhole cauldron.
physics of a bicycle, isn't it remarkable?

anti fishstick

Curiousbear,
I've read an article about a couple who live like this AND have a family together... in separate homes. I say, whatever works!

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And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
~Anais Nin

Lubeboy

People need to be happy and comfortable with themselves in life first. If you need someone to complete you and make you happy, what's the point? That's a big cop out if you ask me. Why get married because society tells you to? That's settling.

luciferase75

Bingo. It's not settling when I know my wife has a vastly lower sex drive than I do. It's knowing that, coming to terms with it, and working through it together. Same with my background baggage. I never settled, she never settled - we knew full well what we were getting into and were just fine with that.

If you spend your days looking for the perfect person, and dropping the ones you find because of flaws and you think you might be settling like a civil suit, you'll lead a very lonely existence. When you find the right one, flaws make the person more attractive (to me anyways). Little things like that scar on her forehead or if she can't cook worth a damn but she sure tries hard, make her even cuter. That's just an example BTW, my wife does have a scar on her forehead, but she cooks like a goddess.

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inBOIL

I've always thought that would be a good plan for a relationship, but I get the impression that most women would dismiss it as a ridiculous male fantasy.

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