ghoastgirl1

I'm having an issue on what to do right now. My current BF wants to look through old photos I have on my computer. Because of this I created a secured user login so I would know he wasn't going through my files while I was away. I'm not sure what to do. I started deleting some old photos from James and I and I feel bad doing it. Deleting him and the great times we shared while we were a couple. To put it simply, I don't want to delete these photos. I might want them someday. He might want them. I don't think it's fair of Matt to expect me to erase him completely out of my memories of the past couple years. Thoughts? Insights? What have you done with old memorabilia of a relationship that you left without feelings of hate or anger toward the other person?

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Manic_Skafe

Those images are your own personal property and you have the right to do with them as you wish. He should be able to tell you how he feels about them but so long as you're tactful, what you do with them isn't anyone's business but your own.

This would be another issue entirely if your desire to keep the images were indicative of a larger inability to move on from your previous relationships but even then, deleting a few pictures won't come close to fixing that. I'd pay a considerable amount of attention to how this pans out as this could serve as a signifier for how much effort you should put into this relationship.

Unless you've given him reasons to be threatened by your past, he shouldn't be.

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Xerxys

I really don't think he will have a problem unless he already said so. Like you said, it was a past relationship. But the evidence simply just can't be washed away into the ether! These are memories that every human wants and you want to hold onto some tangible semblance of them. Don't keep it a secret but also make sure you speak to him about it if it comes up as an issue.

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ghoastgirl1

Matt has made it quite clear he wants to know as little about my previous relationships as possible. Which makes him going through the photos either impossible or a lot of work for me moving files around etc. How do you respond to that?

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redsneaker

You could always burn a copy onto a cd and put that in a safe place. But you don't have to do anything. I put mine in a box and into the closet. They're not something I want to look at everyday, but I know they are there in case one day I do. Maybe one day the time will come when I don't want them anymore, but for now I'm fine with them hanging out in my spare bedroom closet. Don't feel pressured to get rid of anything. It's your past, you decide where you want it.

Xerxys

Tell him you are ok with not sharing it with him. Also tell him your not going to delete a significant part of your life not because you don't think what you have is not significant but what you had before is also important to you.

Then move the photos to somewhere he can't find them like a secured zip on the HD and burn them as well or upload to a new image hosting account. It's very simple, he doesn't want to know anything so he shouldn't snoop (if he does he doesn't trust you anyway) and you shouldn't make it easy for him to find the photos and videos like saving them on your desktop or something like that.

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little_tippler

First of all I don't think he has the right to ask to look through your photos like that. They are yours and some will be private, and you have the choice to keep it that way.

He also has no right to expect you to erase all visual memories of your past. I also don't think it means you're still hung up on the past, it just means you have memories and those photos are a record of that.

This is your privacy he is overstepping on and you should just tell him no. If he has a problem with that, explain what you have posted here. If he still has a problem with it, then he's just being paranoid. I think you should stand your ground. If you're inclined to be more lenient and feel you have nothing to hide, then let him look at the photos. Hide nothing. He asked so he can deal with what he sees. If he tells you he minds these photos, just tell him they are your private photos to do with what you want and that if he couldn't handle seeing them he shouldn't have asked to in the first place.

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Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

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jewels

Does he expect you to erase him or is this an assumption on your part?

Assuming that you're assuming may I suggest that you tell him up front. Hey, you know James was an important part of my past and I need to know that you won't feel threatened by that past. Discuss it! Secrets almost always lead to fear and don't make for good, lasting relationships.

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ratbastid

Tell him that by his own rules, your old pictures are of things he doesn't want to see. Tell him he's free to go through and look at them, but he's going to have to suck it up and deal that he's not your first because there's plenty of pictorial evidence in there of that.

This "I don't want to know about your past relationships, but I want to know all about you and who you are" thing is a massive paradox that you do NOT have to help him to resolve. In fact, you CAN'T resolve it. He's got to resolve it for himself. But if I were you, I'd put the paradoxical nature of it right in his face. Unless he deals with it, it'll eat at the core of things in your relationship until there's nothing left but jealousy and insecurity.

Cynthetiq

why do you call it "evidence" instead of memories?

Your question already puts it into a defensive, negative position instead of a normal positive one. Having memories of someone, be it photos, or objects is normal. I'm not a fan of relationship object purging. In my opinion it is something of a bigger issue than what it seems on the surface.

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thingstodo

That's the best advice yet.

Elements of your past are what have worked thogether to create who you are today. If he likes who you are today he has to accept the rest whether he looks at it or is just aware it exists.

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Baraka_Guru

What Cyn said.

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dippin

Yeah, I think it is important to understand what is going on. Did he ask you about having access to your old pictures, and you are afraid of him seeing your exes? Did he just wonder about why he doesnt have access to them? Or did he explicitly say he wanted you to get rid of the pics? Or that he wants to see if you are hiding anything?

Because honestly, if it is either of the latter two possibilities, I think your problem goes beyond how to hide the pictures. Anyone who demands that all things related to past relationships be destroyed, especially when your own relationship is so new, is a bit too controlling for me.

Now, if it is either of the 1st two possibilities, then just give him some credit and let him see the old pictures.

PonyPotato

I remove all of my photos from past relationships onto an external hard drive immediately following major breakups. Why? Because they pop up every time I open iPhoto and I find myself looking through them instead of focusing on whatever I was doing to begin with.. and getting sad sometimes in the process. I move the photos, emails, notes, etc. so that they are not immediately there as reminders. I keep the physical objects of memories in boxes - so I can pull them out and look at them when I want to, but otherwise I just know they are safe. I tend not to open up the boxes or external HD very often, so sometimes I wonder if it would matter if it all disappeared.. all the memories are in my head, after all. Photos or handwritten cards won't really change that.

You decide what you are comfortable with. If you are comfortable with him going through your photos, then you tell him that he must deal with the fact that many photos are from your past relationship, since it was a huge part of your life for the last X years. If he doesn't want to deal with that, he doesn't look through the photos. Period.

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thirdsun

Store it on a portable hard drive or a DVD somewhere if you're not ready to depart with the memories yet. Eventually, you will be ready to depart with them, perhaps. If you explain to him, he should be able to understand. If he isn't, IMHO, he might be difficult in other areas as well...a definite red flag.

I have a box of stuff like that, in fact, that I purge every few years because over time, it does lose its sentimental value. But photos are harder to know what to do wtih sometimes.

The larger issue is one of trust regarding your computer. True, it's rather like a diary with email and photos, etc. He should respect your privacy about it if you discuss it and set a boundary. The fact that you are worried about him doing so is, again my opinion, perhaps a red flag.

On the other hand, not having anything to fear by a SO seeing your email or looking through your files is a wonderful feeling, too.

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healer

I don't have anything left from previous relationships...possibly because I didn't have many lasting ones. I didn't have much 'game' back in the day. But that's enough about me...

It's your stuff. You have every right to keep it. But your attitude in presenting this to your current SO is key in how you guys resolve this. He has to know that you're not going to flaunt it in his face, but you're not trying to hide it from him either.

Remind him that you wouldn't be the person you are today if it wasn't for those previous life experiences. Your privacy should be respected.

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Toaster126

If he is going to be bothered by what he finds while rummaging through folders, maybe he shouldn't rummage.

I think this is a symptom of a larger problem, though... one that can be solved with communication.

It's acceptable for you to have physical reminders of your life. It's not okay for you to use them as barriers to the current relationship. I'm sure you will find the line with some positive communication.

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Spiritsoar

I don't know the circumstances in which your last relationship ended. I know, when my wife left me, I did go through and delete most of my pictures of her and of us together. It just hurt too bad to look at them. But my current fiancee knows that my previous marriage was a significant part of my life (I was married 7 years, from when I was 18 till I was 25), and that all reminders of her can't be erased. There's still things that remind me of her, there's still plenty of stories from my past that include her.

Your current boyfriend will just have to realize that even though you're not with the other guy, he was still a part of your life. In at least some ways, he made you part of who you are. We learn from past experiences, and for him to expect you to just forget that whole period of your life is unreasonable.

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girldetective

Photos are important. They represent you and your life.
Photos are the first thing I would save in a fire. They are irreplaceable.

When I see photos of someone from their past Im usually delighted for the insight and intimacy.

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Charlatan

Make an online photo album with photos that you think he would like to see. Leave your computer in the order you want it to be.

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Plan9

Aaah, an issue near and dear to my emo heart.

...

These things we keep don't represent squat. They're artifacts from dead civilizations. The things you remember, you learn... those aren't tangible knickknacks. We all hold onto old shit like it's special. We're like Leonard Shelby in Memento. Kinda sad. Honestly, you'd think we'd learn not to increasingly encumber ourselves with worldly symbols of what amounts to dust in the wind. I think a lot of us weigh ourselves down with these mementos.

...

I throw a lot of stuff. I keep some stuff. Usually small trinkets. A plastic giraffe. Post-Its with "I Love You" on them.. I have a really hard time getting rid of photos. I liken it to that almost religious notion of throwing away part of my soul. It's really pathetic. I'm getting better, though. I can let go and heave ho.

I put digital stuff on CD and label it "Dreams and Memories." I think my wedding pictures survive on a CD somewhere. I don't predict I'll want to see them again in the next decade, but it's comforting to know that if I wake up and can't really remember what I looked like that day or that my buddies were there with me... I can dig it up and look for a minute. It's like one of those "Break in Case of Identity Crisis" contingency deals. This Is Who I Was. I Have Proof.

...

As far as your situation... I've had huge issues with snooping... new partners look through my footlocker of army crap / old relationship crap. Never actually had someone ask to look at the contents of my stuff before. I don't know what I'd say. I think I'd worried about exposing my insides and being judged without having a chance to front the context. It isn't the pictures or emails from the former partner... it's how you looked in them, what you said in them.

...

OP: Keep your stuff to yourself. If you show it, show it on your own terms. Compartmentalize it. It's no different than conversation, really.

You can't avoid a conversation that never comes up. And if it comes up... you control how you answer... if and when and the content.

...

Also: How much have you invested in this guy? It's a bad idea to dump out the mental storage unit and show him all the baggage if you've only been with him for a month. All this "honesty up front" crap people push is Too Much, Too Soon. Just like when you were losin' that virginity: easy does it.

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ghoastgirl1

Matt and I have been dating for a little over two months. I agree that having such a conversation seems a little too soon. I'm struggling with my own issues of insecurities with this relationship. I guess viewing it as a potential serious relationship after such a significant one seems foreign and I wasn't quite prepared for him to want to look through my old things and see my past. As much as he wants to for me, I don't have much of a need except a few things.

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*Nikki*

Just move any sensitive photos or documents onto a flash drive and keep it in a special safe place.

aberkok

If the situations were reversed, what would you have him do?

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ghoastgirl1

If the situation was reversed? I wouldn't look unless I was prepared to deal with what I saw.

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Plan9

Ya know, that seems like such a paradox. I don't get it. It's like saying "Yes" without hearing the question.

Does that mean that regardless of what you find... you'll accept the person for it?

Pfft, that's probably the most naive thing ever. It would be silly to suggest such.

Drug use, creepy porn, white linen pants... many horrors could potentially await you.

...

I firmly believe that my significant others will always have shit from old relationships. That's fine.

It would be unrealistic to expect them to burn every last thing and pretend that it didn't matter.

Just as long as it isn't a part of daily life and isn't something they pine for to the point that it kills my soul.

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"The days go on and on... they don't end. All my life needed was a sense of someplace to go. I don't believe that one should devote his life to morbid self-attention, I believe that one should become a person like other people."

Formerly username "Crompsin."

ghoastgirl1

Agreed.

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Punk.of.Ages

This seems pretty simple to me...

Tell him what he can expect to see if he goes through your computer, or put them in a different folder and tell him he can't see that one because he's not privy to the memorabilia contained within. If he has a problem with it, well... I guess it's discussion time.

I don't think pulling them off the computer and stashing them is the answer, though. That could be taken the wrong way, and lead to detriment...
________

I once had some pretty intimate pictures of an ex and myself. When we broke up I disposed of them because of their sensitive nature. I'm quite disappointed I did so. They were great memories and I should've held on to them.

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Plan9

I've made it pretty clear that I've got nothing to hide (heh, now anyway) but that I do not allow a girlfriend to just arbitrarily roam through my laptop.

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"The days go on and on... they don't end. All my life needed was a sense of someplace to go. I don't believe that one should devote his life to morbid self-attention, I believe that one should become a person like other people."

Formerly username "Crompsin."

Jinn

I think the solution is to tell him to get his own god damn computer.

Maybe I'm too lazy to move stuff around on my computer so someone can use it, but computers are becoming a more and more personal extension as we store more of our memories and personal data on them. Just like I wouldn't want someone picking up my phone and rifling through the numbers, I don't particularly want someone using my computer rifling through files.

I've got nothing to hide, and I'll willingly show someone if they ask directly about something on my phone or on my computer, but I don't need them rummaging around in my personal space. It's a bit like walking right into the middle of someone's life history.. they could be random files with random stuff, but it's still my personal randomness.

In my case, my girlfriend really doesn't have anything to worry about because I have no ex girlfriends who were even remotely memorable.

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StanT

Flash drives are cheap, zipping a file and using a pswd is even cheaper. I'd probably do both.

While snooping around someone else's files is wrong, we've all had crap pop up for no apparent reason. I'd make stuff that I didn't want to discuss go away.